Dysfunctional is the new Normal

Update Pt. 1 - End of School

2008-07-09T19:42:00.004-03:00

Ok so this is the short version of what I remember the end of school being: Terrible.

I stopped working out right around the time of my last post, which makes the time I have taken off from the gym ummm, almost 5 months!! I now weigh just under 190. I feel like a fucking whale. I hate it. And I am over it - sort of. I am over it in terms of like going to work out - but i still feel really insecure with the way I look.

Anyways, my internship took a lot out of me because I was bored a lot of the time and I felt as if I was wasting everyone's time and not getting anything accomplished. But I did get something done. Did I talk about the Green awards? Anyways well I finally got those off the ground and got the Western News to do an article on it, and got a whole bunch of nominations and all in all the whole thing went really well. My boss was satisfied at least, and that was good enough for me. It also gave me good stuff for my final paper. Well, I remember that I had to dig because....

I had to dig a lot towards the end. I remember standing in the library talking to some chick and I said to her, "Look, I don't know if I can do this. I don't have anything left to give. I don't have any bullshit left to spew."

And thats how it really was. I handed in papers late, and really half assed everything.

I was going to say that a lot of that had to do with drinking FAR too much over the last couple months of school. There was just so many opportunities. It was so easy to excuse myself, ourselves, my friends and I. We would look at each other and shrug and order another round.

But it was that and work. The bar was killing me but you know how I love money. I was at catering too, but I didn't really find that too be such a bother. I love catering, best fucking job ever. Go in, talk smack to my underlings, go smoke with the boss and leave. Oh and get fed. Awesome.

Somewhere after my birthday (which was a terrible gong show), Stew and I started planning our roadtrip... See part 2 of update....

Poor William

2008-02-29T15:21:00.002-04:00

When I was growing up, The Princes of Wales were just as famous as their dashing mother. The Boys are only two and four years older than me.

I remember William being my favorite. He was blond, older, in line for king. We share first names. What more could I want.

But then his mother died and as the years passed, his royal genes became more evident. And as his hair thinned, his redheaded brother started to look a lot better. Once he started getting into pub fights with the pap, and wearing politically incorrect costumes, he got all the more hot.

And then last night it was revealed to the world that Prince Harry had been fighting in Afghanistan for the past two months. Some how the CBC got a n audio clip of him saying something like, "I haven't showered in four days." Oh Harry.
Poor William.

An ode to the Princes of Wales.

Two of my favorite things

2008-01-31T12:42:00.000-04:00

Money and Brits

Check out this story: 30something brothers sitting on BILLIONS of POUNDS worht of London real estate.

http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/mortgages/article.html?in_article_id=429894&in_page_id=8

Its weird how two brothers can look so different. Obviously Nick is the hotter one, but I'm sure the other one get enough - he's rich after all - no Super Rich.

I miss my blog

Post Post Modern

2008-01-31T02:21:00.000-04:00

If you have 22 minutes and have a good stomach watch this video.

We learn a concept called abjection in my second year theory class. It means to be both attracted and disgusted over something at the same time. They use it to example teenager's relationship with their parent. They hate them but love and need them. Also why babies play with shit - and if you've ever examined a booger or what you've dropped in a toilet. Car crashes too. Dare I say 2 girls 1 cup (thats fucking sick though fo real).

Anyways I present to you Toronto's favorite sons in:

Kenny Vs. Spenny - Who can eat more meat?

Internship - Day 1

2008-01-14T17:24:00.000-04:00

So this is just a quick note on my first day of my internship. It wasn't nearly as awkward as it could have been. There was an uncomfortable silence or two, but not too bad.

We had a short meeting where he outlined the make up of the department. He then listed off the things that he would like to get accomplished with my help. So far we are set on writing portions of the PPD newsletter as well as keeping the website up-to-date and working on the Green awards of recognition. He wants to me chair meetings of some sort (I have it written down) and I said I'd love to firstly because it will be more hours for my commitment and second because that is what I need to work on - talking with people I have no personal connection to.

We also toured the new campus rec facility, which was awesome. Got to do some photography and ask questions. Should have thought to steal some pictures. Then we tried to work on a poster, but his computer was slow like death and I never go the chance.

I don't think I'll post everyday, but who knows maybe.

the end...?

2008-01-13T04:51:00.000-04:00

My dream boy quit his job at the bar today, so I won't be seeing him anymore.

He texted my at 2:45, when he got home from the bar I suppose, to say that we still have to chill.

His response to my email about about how his poking me on facebook was playing dangerous games with my heart was: "hahahahahahaha"

So, I don't know anything anymore. These be some dark days.

the reluctant post

2008-01-11T17:30:00.000-04:00

I don't even want to post today. But then again, I'm not really inspired to post much anymore anyways, so this is as a good an opportunity as any.

The pledge is going terribly. I have been ... smoking? Lets count. Monday I was smoking because I spent the night on a patio and it was nice. Tuesday I only smoked what three cigarettes. Wednesday I went to a party where I didn't know everyone (a birthday for my ex- attended by people in my faculty - I really need to get out more), so me and a friend spent the evening on the deck smoking. Last night I only had two smokes. All in I have smoked something like 15 cigarettes in four days. Not bad but not good. However in my defense this was a heavy party week, I'm really not this popular usually.

Goal for next week - less than 10 all week.

Oh and the carbs - also going terribly. On what was it may have even been Thursday I sat done for dinner and cracked a beer, only then realizing that beer is carbs. Bullshit! I also had a pizza binge on Monday. And a giant slice on Wednesday. BUT all the other days have been ... better. I had a bagel this morning from Tim's because I was near death. I went to a movie on Tuesday and bought almonds and cereal from the bulk store to snack on. I am watching what I eat more carefully, and I think that as time goes by I will be making better choices without even thinking. But I crave it so bad. It will get better. As an alternative to beer I now drink liquor with diet pop. Rye and Diet Ginger. Rum and Diet Coke. I was drinking Gin and Tonics, but tonic is like 24g of sugar a serving, and I can drink oh - 5 servings? 6? Lots, so thats out.

And the gym. Oh the gym. I'm going when I can. I went Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Had to skip Thursday for work and today (conveniently) the power went out just as I was heading over.
I am going to say that my effort affords me a C-. Mostly because of the smoking and the pizza disasters. Shooting a B at least for next week. I am scared for what an A looks like.

Other dramas in my life: Fighting the FIMS office for being dill holes. Oh and the poke guy is at it again. After finally locking him in a box over the break, I ran into his beautiful tan face the first day, first thing in the morning, of school *shakes head*. Then I saw him and some chick flirting it up Thursday night. Then he gave me a hug after work *sigh*. Then, of course, a poke. *shakes head*. I don't know anymore. I put myself out there to him in a email, because lets be serious, I have no balls, so we'll see what happens.

True. I think I feel better. Cheers.

quick post

2008-01-03T18:26:00.000-04:00

01.03.08
Today was/is day two of the pledge. I had a really bad day yesterday. Sorta. I went to the gym and did my groceries and made dinner. All things I was proud of. And then I a second helping of spaghetti, a wonder bar and like 4 beers. DAMNIT!!!

This shit is going to be hard!!! I totally forgot about the beer and the carbs until was well into my first one, and then my boring roommate didnt want go to the bar which resulted in us sitting our ass on the couch watching Shooter. Good movie by the way. Hunky Marky Mark? Come on.

I was only supposed to be on here for as long as Piece of me was on. But I'm going to play it again. Fucking love it.

What else. I feel like I am over smoking but I am working tonight and its always bad at work. I am determined not tbuy cigarettes, but I smoked heavily in grade ten with the support of friends. So I guess I will hope that no one has smokes. I think I should be ok. On the 1st, I spilt a smoke with the girl in the kitchen and I got a head rush like I was 12. Not cool. So if that keeps happening I should be good.

I will get into a good blog post this weekend, I just felt i needed to document 2 days@ the gym. *rolls eyes* Shut Up!

New Years & The Pledge (& Inspiration)

2007-12-31T13:25:00.000-04:00

So another year comes to a close today - and the only reason that this is a positive post is because I am not working. Some poor bastard offered to take shifts so I gave him the only one that matters. Instead of cursing life tonight surrounding by drunk idiots, I will be a drunk idiot toasting life. Much better.

I am going to Guelph to party with Lea and Lauren, and I have no doubt it will be sloppy. I am supposed to be packing, but I as I was dressing, I put on the MTV.ca video mix which started off with Rihanna and Britney. Why do female pop stars inspire me to be the best I can be? I want to be pretty girl deep down inside I guess. I was thinking that in 2008 I will finally do drag. I have wanted to for a while but have not really been inspired. But I think I can pull off a Riri. Get a cute weave, short dress and some nice size 12 high heels. I will try and do it for Pride...

And Britney I love you! I love that you are a shameless whore. I hate that you won't clean up your life. I've cut friends off for less. But... You're priceless. If you haven't seen her latest creative endeavour:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89oS4SN4mNg

And of course the pledge is back. I can't remember what it was last time. I think it was no carbs. I am going to start that up again. Except it won't be HARDCORE - I just took a loaf of bread out of the freezer. And I have a big bag of russet potatoes that have to get eaten - and I'm poor. So not hardcore, but still a lot better than I'm doing now. That means no more Tim's bagels :( - I means more water, more fruit, - oh and gyming 5 days a week - I wam going to try for 6, but no promises. I AM GOING TO BET A BODY SPACE. And I will link to it.

I also have to work harder on FD.
I also have to flush out my ideas for Real Canadian Man Magazine (title subject to change)
And The 13.

Oh and I'm going to read a lot more. I am have two books on the go right now. And I bought Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.

Four months until Freedom. I just have to set a good base in those months and hopefully everything will go well after that. A Prayer:
Dear God,
Please see my through the next year safely, healthily, and happily. And Peace on earth.

See you bitches in 2008

because I need to...

2007-12-21T17:00:00.000-04:00

I need to write this post so that I can say to myself that I'm not a piece of shit.

I have been as lazy as I have ever been - ever. I spent 7 hours in front of the TV a couple of days ago. I just finished dealing with my internship thing that took a week longer than it should have. I got blind drunk on Monday and may have said something stupid to 'poke' boy. But for whatever reason, here I am, Friday afternoon, watching Oprah and struggling to write this post.

I have felt for a while to need to get a creative project to work on. And recently I feel like writing again. I should get my hands on a copy of Creative Suite but I've tried, and no fucking go.

This is a shit post. But its been a shit month... or two so...
At least I tried...

Strange State of Grace

2007-12-05T12:47:00.001-04:00

So, I realized today that I haven't done any writing (outside of class) for a long ass time. I picked up an MIT Zine this morning and scoffed. But as I flipped through the issue, I realized that I could not have done much better. But then I realized that it wasn't for my lack of writing ability, but because I was just lacking things to say.

Ever since I have decided what I want to do with my life, I have sort of found this strange state of grace, where, I am no longer worried about what is going to happen next, I have an end goal, and I will make strides to reach it.

But my goal doesn't require a whole lot out of me at the present. And so as I am no longer panicking, it seems I have lost the sense of passion I once had. I don't feel enraged about things anymore, or joyous for that matter, I just don't feel very much of anything.

I am sure it is partly to do with the fact that I am so fucking busy I don't have time to watch the news of catch up on the world. But I think it partly has to do with ... I don't know a sort of disillusionment. From what I don't know... I'm not sure I care... But it bothered me that I haven't written. So here I am writing....

In other news, I decided that that boy that I like at work, needed to know how I felt about him because in my head, he felt the same way I did.... So I just said to myself one night, Ok I'm gonna do. I had what I would planned out but as we walked through the still Sunday morning air through the white Victoria Park, I realized I was way way off. But there were words already coming out of my mouth.

I was apologizing for treating him poorly over the past few weeks. I had been avoiding him in an attempt to stomp out my passion for him, which obviously didn't work. Well, why would you treat me badly, he asked. Don't worry, I said, thats not important. Well, I want to know, he said, you can't bring it up and not tell me. So I did.

"I realized that I was really starting to like you," I said "And I would consider you one of my better friends, and I don't like to weird out my friends. So I was a dick to you, thats how I dealt with it."

"Well that's stupid," he said. He went on that he only really like me and one other guy at work and that it would be "stupid" to lose a friend for that.

We parted ways and I convinced myself I felt better. Which I do... "That's stupid" echoed in my head for the Sunday and into the Monday. And then Tuesday night after staff dinner, he poked me again.

What a fucking guy...

Last crap item for the day. I know these two girls who like EXACTLY the same and I have almost called them the wrong name. I ran into one this morning, I am going out with the other one tonight and so as I was about to say "Can't wait till tonight" I realized it was the other one and changed it to "are you coming out tonight". Stupid look a like girls, can't keep them straight.
Anyways handing in my second to last paper today, so I should probably start.

a dark muse

2007-11-22T14:28:00.000-04:00

I am not sure why I am propelled to write when I feel like shit. Today I feel like an unaccomplished piece of shit that is taking of space in the world, wasting time and energy trying to be someone that I will never be. But I don't see any alternative and that's the strangest part. I guess I could strive for a life of mediocrity, managing a Starbucks are something. With my dog. In a rental.

This was the last journal entry I included in my package to my creative writing prof:

Who are these fags?

So I went to this queer function last night run by the campus queer constituency group, held at the bar that I work at. I was quite surprised by the turn out, could have been 60 or 70 college aged queers at my bar, dancing and kissing and chatting up a storm. When I got there I knew no one. A few faces look familiar from campus, but I didn’t know anyone. I bought a drink and milled around the room getting more and more uncomfortable as I sank into a dark hole of isolation.

I was angry at these gays last night and I can’t figure out why. Well, I know exactly why, jealousy. How the hell did these fags have friends – gay friends? I don’t have any gay friends. I know my two ex-s one other guy in my writing class, and that about it. I have been introduced to a bunch over the past four years, but none of them are friends of mine. Even people that I didn’t know were gay were there, and seemingly in the Western queer posse. I mean come on, right?

I have a good idea of why don’t know any fags. I don’t like them. There seems to me to be this weird sexual tension amongst us, or maybe that is just me. Or if not sexual tension, its this other kind of competitive tension, like a silent pissing contest. Again though, maybe that is just me, they seem to get along fine with each other. I fell like I am being judged when I am in a room with them. Because I know that they recognize me from campus. I know they know I’m that fag who refuses to be their friend.

Which really is part of the equation. When I was in second year, I realized that there was a group of students in my faculty that were the elites. I made a conscious decision to infiltrate the group and though it took me a few weeks and a lot of ego stomping, but I was accepted. I realized in second year as well that the Western fags were a tight elite group, but I gave up trying to infiltrate them after the first try. They stand in a circle at the gay bar and look over their shoulders to see who is encroaching on their space.

I used to think that I was snobby bastard, which I am, but after Vancouver this summer I’m not so sure. Maybe its an East coast/West Coast thing, but I didn’t perceive so much attitude out West. Yes there are those gorgeous boys from ridiculous gene pools who make it clear that you must be of a certain aesthetic standard to get their attention, but they didn’t even seem as hostel as these queers.

On the one hand, it is all my fault. I work weekends, and the fags have all their bonding time at the bar on Saturday night. On that same hand, I hate going to that bar, it depressing - which is not to say there weren’t stints when I was there for months on end. On top of that I suppose I do contribute to the hostile relationship. But I truly think these queers are a breed of their own. And they can have it. I don’t care what anyone thinks are says, I am a well adjusted queer, whatever that means, and when I grow up I will have a gay posse too, who loves me for me, and the sad memory of being the unpopular fag will be a glimmer a nightmare a I may have once had.

dark days

2007-11-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

So this what the internet determined I was. I am not sure just how to react. But I am sure that there is an abundance of truth behind it.

Went to this queer function last night. Shitty. Didn't know anyone. Felt like a loser. Left before midnight.

This has really been one depressing semester. The sole thing keeping me going is the vision in my head of me returning from Korea, paying out of student loan and starting a fabulous life on the west coast. fuck everything and everyone.

Somebody kill me now. And Gxxxxx, fucking straight oblivious turd. Smile, Will, this goes on.

heartbreaking work of staggering genius

2007-11-19T11:12:00.000-04:00

You need to buy this album. I don't care what the critics say (its b-sides, not impressive) - it is a fucking beautiful album.

Videotape

When I'm at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
and he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
and i have it all here
In red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my center
When i spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
I'm talking to you after it's too late
From my videotape

No matter what happens now
You shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.

http://www.inrainbows.com/

WTF??!?!?!!?

2007-11-14T01:23:00.001-04:00

Who is this guy?! I know I haven't posted in weeks and that I could have used this as a venue to talk a bout crappy movies (yes, I'm talking about you Michael Clayton and The Kingdom) but no. I am posting about this "straight" boy whom I am in love with that just poked me on facebook.

The facebook poke is very big deal because most people, I know at least, don't use 'poke' to get peoples attention. The only time I have ever sen it used it by random people who have somehow found you, and want to talk to you. As in they fancy you. Which is ridiculous because even if they could see my profile (which they can't) how can you judge someone for from a web profile. Come on.

But he poked me! ME!! We have had, what I thought, was this weird flirting thing going on. Then I talked to one of his long time friends who said "Gxxxxx is not gay. He's a lady's man, he loves it." While my rational side says, 'Ok, Will move along, he's cute get over it.' my emotional side says, 'No Dream Boy! Don't go! I love you!!'

And now this. WTF Gxxxxx?! Is this funny to you, because this isn't funny. I refuse to speculate anything because speculation only gets my hopes up, which will only be dashed when I say or do something stupid around him.

Oh Gxxxxx, please don't break my heart. I just don't know if I could take it.

A deep sense of Lose

2007-10-04T19:14:00.000-03:00

Today the world seemed more empty to me than it usually does. I seem to have lost purpose, will, and determination. The truth is that I have always struggled with these qualities but some days they are harder to muster up than others.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a good writer, and it really saddens me because was a passion of mine. I thought to myself, there are lots of things that I am not good at but I at least have writing. Now that has been taken away from me by this cruel institution.

My assessment of the university experience so far is fairly bleak. I have enjoyed my time here, but on days like today I really wonder if it was worth the thirty thousand dollars plus interest it will end up costing. Time will be the ultimate judge of that.

On days like today I daydream of escaping to a beach town in some tropical country that was at one or still is a British colony, so I don't have to learn another language. Once there I would establish a relationship with local eatery and trade my services in the kitchen and in the dining in exchange for a meal a day and maybe a cot in the back. And there I would spend the rest of my days, eventually taking over the hut, never changing the menu and never dwelling on the so called life I left behind.

When I cannot picture white sand beaches and clear blue water, I am forced to decide Vancouver or Toronto, leadership program or internship, telecommunications or media content. It was just over a month ago, as I spent the last of my undergraduate summer on Vancouver's English Bay, that I thought, I can't wait to be out of school. Now I wish I had never started.

Another truth is that these are just the melancholy thoughts of an sleep deprived, overworked, underpaid fourth university student who is working every night over Thanksgiving weekend. It is hard to keep an upbeat attitude when there is little to look forward to in the near future. A few short years ago I lived by the undergraduate mantra “I'll sleep when I'm dead”. Some mornings I feel like it has fulfilled itself.

Tonight I will trudge through Victoria Park, cutting across the already dewy grass, to my bar on Richmond Row. It will be empty except for the few poor souls trapped behind the bar and the unsuspecting partons who feel trapped after paying the cover charge. Together we will be prisoners of the London Tap House, a dungeon in every sense with the added misery of flashing, spinning lights, overplayed top 40 and bar classics, and high drink prices. This self imposed punishment will repeat itself on Friday and Saturday.

Usually at the end of an entry like this I would look at the positive things in my life, reaching and pulling from every possible corner, in an effort to keep me from going under completely. This time I won't. This time I will let these dark feelings take their final bow in front of a silent audience. I will let them walk off stage thinking they have finally won. But just like Toronto musicals, this one shall close too. It might have an extended run like the Phantom of the Opera, but I think it will more like the Lord of the Rings – over hyped, and quietly cut short.

How do you like this??

2007-10-01T19:49:00.001-03:00

Globalization causes a lot of bad things. This I know. But this ^^^^ this is awesome. I never thought the day would come when I couldn't have to calculate US exchange. Those poor poor bastards.

Anyways I'm back in shitty London. I miss Van. Just a little though. Today its raining and I couldn't imagine having to deal with 4 months of that shit. No way. No how.

I am soo over school already - I am trying to keep on top of everything but I just can't. I just want to drink and sleep and fuck and get high and not read and not to go to class and not WORK - oh not to work...

I haven't anything else to say. I have to save it all for my journals *barf*. Stupid writing - whatever. Its werid because I am so used to being able to talk about whatever I want on here and now I have to censor it and make it sound pretty. Kinda. I wrote a journal this morning that was a complete rant. I don't care though, that was my mood at the time and thats what he is going to get. I figure what I will do is just bang them out whenever I can and then befor eI hand them in I will write I donno 5 or 6 really good ones. *rolls eyes* STOP EVALUATING ME!

Big two weeks

2007-08-28T16:19:00.000-03:00

My heart is aching. I just came back from the airport. My two loves left for Toronto after a week of fabulousness.
But since, I have been busy drinking and dancing and working in between, I have not had a chance to post about my trip to Vancouver Island. So let's start at the very beginning. Its a very good place to start (Julie Andrews)

Vancouver Island
We (me and Shawn) left for the Island on Friday night (8/17). We had a reservation for a 7 o'clock boat, but Shawn didn't get back from work until close to 6. So we had a sushi dinner and left on an 9/10 o'clock ferry (can't remember). The ferry was huge and we watched Kathy Griffin on my laptop as we sail through the black water.

We landed at Swartz Bay and drove south to Victoria. Again, we were working from a crappy map in the Vancouver gay guide. We located the one gay bar in town and parked on the edge of downtown on a residential side street. The bar was balls - super small, downstairs, crap music - but me and Shawn made the most of it. Ran into a homeless guy who did spoken work at like 3 a.m. and were shoo-ed away from outside of someone's window when I got loud talking about how much I missed Neil.

The next morning we woke up early in hopes of driving to Tofino. We had no idea it was on the far end of the island and that it would take some 5 hours to get to. Oh and it rained. Saturday it rained all day. The further we got from Victoria the harder it rained. We stopped in Nanaimo to assess the situation. The tourist info place we stopped at was right next to the grounds where they were holding the VIEX (Van. Is. Exhibition). We had pretty much written Tofino off after talking to the girl - so Shawn says, "Well, I want to see old trees." "No problem," she said. She circled on the map where we should go and another cool park to check out. [Pictures to be posted at the later date]

The rain actually let up a couple of times so our adventures weren't completely wet. Except when I stepped in the river. Balls. So that was Saturday, and since the original plan was to stay in Tofino that night, we decided that would drive back to Victoria for the night, party and then drive back to Nanaimo on Sunday and go to the fair. We should have just stayed in Nanaimo - but live and learn, I guess. The bar was even worse on Saturday (go figure) - but I ran into Katu, the coat check girl (drag queen) from 181 in London. How friggin' random.

Anyways. Woke up on Sunday and was wet and cold because it rained all night and all morning. As soon as we left Victoria though, the sky cleared and the VIEX was definitely a hit. VERY much a COUNTRY fair. They had a tractor parade. The 'agroplex' had a displays about about different B.C. fair animals and their importance to the economy. Shawn particularly liked the miniature horses and Jack Russel terrier races. We kept missing the real fun stuff like sheep sheering and goat bathing, but we definitely made the cow milking demo. [Pictures to be posted at a later date]

Around 3 in the afternoon Shawn had his fill and we slowly started to head back south to the ferry. Thank God we had a reservation. The line to get on a ferry was like 2km long. Nuts.

And then the truck broke down. I was SOOO PISSED OFF - but we were really lucky. It just stopped a couple (relatively) block from our place. It was the alternator, and cost Shawn $700.

The Girls
Monday night (8/20)went Industry Night ($3 in, $3 drinks) and got TRASHED - with Neil. I 'forgot' that I had arranged with Adam (Lauren's brother who was RANDOMLY in B.C.) to pick the girls up at the airport in Tuesday morning. So he called me at 11:30 from outside my building and had run back - half drunk.

Seeing the girls was like having a big weight taken off my shoulders. Lauren and Leanne are probably the people closest to me in my life. We don't see each other as often as we should, but the connection we have is stronger than that. We got dropped off at Lauren's friend Chantel's house where they were staying. She left us a joint and the suggestion of Toby's (a bar) for lunch. I couldn't tare myself away from the table and was like an hour late for work.

Wednesday was a perfect day. We went to a place called Bon's off Broadway for breakfast. If you are even in Vancouver's east side (Commercial Dr. Area) go. $3.00 for a full breakfast. Me and Adam had 2. We went to PNE (Pacific National Exhibition) that afternoon and had a fabulous time. Got a shave, thought the girl was gonna hack my face off. Went to see Superdogs, totally overrated. They had a street performers who were fantastic - the ones we saw at least. I believe they were called OzStar Airlines.

After the fair we went to the New Amsterdam Cafe, to smoke a J. And boy was that a great idea. SO HIGH. Then we went to dinner at White Spot. I went to White Spot once before the last time I was in Vancouver, and I really wasn't impressed. Adam had the same experience, so when we heard that that was the plan we made our opinion heard. Didn't change anything. Anyways, this time was a much better experience.

After dinner we went back to my place and had a few drinks and then went to the 'O'. Wednesday nights they have a drag show - and this was the first time that I had seen one from the beginning. It was FAB - totally awesome!! Those girls work really hard and I could never do it - or at least as good and they do. The girls got to meet Neil and everyone loved everyone. So much so that we went to Neil's after for drinks (surprise) and we all stayed over. We drank and sang until 5 a.m when we got a noise complaint. It was wonderful

I was going to take everyone to Joe's Grill for breaky, but Adam demanded a variation, so hungover and smelling of booze, we had sushi at 12:30. We went back to mine and got ready for the beach. We smoked a bowl or two and ventured down Davie. The day was perfect - hot with a slight breeze. The water was cool, but refreshing - I was the only one who went in thought. I had to work Thursday night and open on Friday.

Saturday morning (8/25)we went up to Whistler. On the way up we stopped at Brohm Lake, a small glacier lake just outside Squamish. It was serene. The water was freezing cold. Warm enough to coax you in but so cold I couldn't take full breathes. And because it was cloudy, the water was black and ominous. And me and open water don't get along.

Whistler is another world. Its called a resort village, and I had no idea what that meant until we took a stroll through the main village. That was really serene. Everything was prefect and small and chateau like. Kind of plastic. But I got over it pretty quick. The other reason its called 'resort' is because everything is resort priced. We went out for lunch and I had a $13 turkey sandwich. Yeah. But its Whistler.

We went looking a hostel - half-heartedly. I had always planned to stay in the truck, but when we couldn't find rooms anywhere, we found our digs in Lot 4 (overnight parking). There were a whole bunch of campers and RVs parked there so we didn't feel like total sketch bags. We went to the BCL and grocery store and stocked up. Chantel poured the first drink at 5:30 - I looked.

We were parked next to each other and used the mini van trunk as the bar and the truck bed as a lounge. We fit 7 people into the bed and we had to because it started to rain. This went on until about 10 when the rain let up and we went to see what the scene was like. We went to a resto/bar and got a round of drinks on the patio. One of Chantel's friends showed up and stole my girls away. "If you don't go now, you won't get in." "No, no," I said, "I work at the same bar in London." "Whatever!" She said as they went into some bar called Moe Joe's and me and the boys (Adam, Kevin and Shawn) went back to the bar and had a few more drinks.

Showed up at the Buffalo Bill at 11:45 and talked to the door guy. He knew what was going on and told me to go to 'Express' entrence. He said he could walk me in in 20 mins. So I sent Kevin into Moe Joe's to fetch the girls. Shawn, I find leaning his head on a post, so I sent him back to the car. Turns out he got lost (LOL). We get into the bar and the manager bought us a round of double shots. Leanne started to waver and Lauren decided to take her back to the car. Turns out they got lost (LMFAO). The bar was really nothing special and it was creppy because it was just like my bar in London. But whatever, danced and had a wicked time. (Total drinking time = 8 hrs)

Sunday morning, I was looking forward to a greasy McDy's breafast, but got dragged to a crepe place. It was good and not greasy but cost me $12.50. Two eggs, peameal, cheese, on a crepe. $12.50. Anyways.

Yesterday (8/27) we all went to a fabulous all you can eat Japanese place on Burrard called Shobusen. I definitely ate my $21.50 worth. And it was just good times. After we went to Chantel's for a night cap.

Of course I don't know my limit and I went to the 'O' afterwards. Neil was there, but I should have figured when he didn't call me back that he was doing his own thing - which is cool - *tear*

And that brings me back to the beginning. I have lots of work to look forward to this week. And I have to move out of my closet and onto Shawn's floor on Friday. The Irish boys are also back this weekend. And I bought my plane ticket home yesterday. It truly is a bittersweet symphony. *sigh*

The one that got away/ Mindless Self Indulgence

2007-08-16T23:28:00.000-03:00

Last night, my imaginary boyfriend for real broke up with me. It happened at the scene of the crime, The Odyssey. I walked in the back door and saw him smoking onn the patio and I walked right past him. Play hard to get, I thought. He caught up with me in the washroom and we went and had a drink and a dance.

Then he pulls me aside and says that we need to talk. Oh shit.

"I can't get involved with someone who is leaving in two weeks," he says. " My heart can't take it."

"And don't get me wrong, I really like you. Which I why it has to be like this."

With a smile on my face I knodded. 'Big girls don't cry' plays in the background. "How appropriate," he says.

I can't fault him for it. I would have loved to have a passionate 2 week fling - but I could tell he wasn't that sort of guy.

The first question I asked him after he destroyed my world (dramatics) was, "Have you joined the facebook revolution?"
"No. I'm anti-technology. I don't even have e-mail." My heart sank further. I at least held on to the notion that we would keep in touch, but if this kid doesn't even check email... But he said " I'll get one if thats important to you." I told him it was. I don't want to... force him - but - I'll take all the interaction with him I can. Of course I'm going to give him this blog - but I doubt he'll visit. *Shrugs*

I am a big believer in 'things hjappen for a reason'. When he said, "If you were here longer, I'd be willing to give it a shot," my first thought was, 'well I haven't booked a flight.' But then I remembered I just made a $3000 tuition payment. Fucking school. But my one shining hope is that he is going back home in December. That should mean he will be off the market till then - and probably while he's there. Now anything can happen but hey read the title - mindless self indulgence. All I can do is hope and pray that we cross paths again and feel the sames things we did this past week. *Sigh*

I would post the vanity picture I took of us last night - but he deserves his privacy. And so ends the love story that was - Will & Neil.

elbows and knees

2007-08-15T18:50:00.000-03:00

I tend to decide the name of my posts before I start writing them. It keeps me focused on what I want to talk about. This is the post that I will talk about the boys I met at Odyssey on Saturday. As I began to sign-in to write it, I had second thoughts. Why? Well, it's nothing more than a fling. I've had lots of flings that don't end up on here. But Neil is different, and I don't know why.

Well I know why, but I'm going to post anyways, sort of as an archive of this boy I knew once upon a time.

The way he danced was what first attracted me to him. He dances just like me, without a care in the world and with 100% spunk. He describes his dancing as 'all elbows and knees', which it is. 'You can't dance with me, just at me.'

So he's clever, and confident. Have I mentioned he's gorgeous? Well, he is. I am trying to put into words all the small things that make me want to stare at him all day long. His deep brown eyes, his strong jawline, his high cheek bones. He has a beautiful mouth -great kisser. I want to talk about his body details, but thats trashy, right?

He is also hilarious. He and his (lesbian) roommate are a dynamic duo. They are also uber cool. They read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun. They come up with drag names. Sometimes, I can't believe I met him. Which I why I am so shook. Which I why I am posting about him.

My subtitled msn name is ' - life is one great big tease'. Of course I have to meet somebody that is so clearly short term - that I can imagine long term. I doubt if circumstances were different things would work out. He makes a big deal about our age difference (7 years) and I am seemingly a much more sexual person than he is, and he parties harder than most people I know. But I would try my hardest to win his heart - if I had the time.

We met on Saturday night and spent Sunday and Monday together. I didn't see him last night and my world is crumbling. He needed a good night's sleep so I wasn't in hysterics or anything. But I probably won't see him until Sunday and even then its all a big maybe. Maybe our relationship was those three days and thats it. Maybe I'll never see him again. That would be a mighty shame. But I as I said to start, thats the reason for this post. To remember Neil, a magnificent, beautiful, dream of a boy, I met in Vancouver once upon a time.

My All American Experience (The Remix): Seattle

2007-08-13T19:15:00.000-03:00

This trip was WAAAYYY better then my first. Seattle is awesome. Ok, maybe that is a little over-stated but we had an awesome time there. This will be a quick run down, no social commentary. Got through the boarder quickly and smoothly. I didn't even say a word. Driving is definitely the way to go. Rolled into town late Friday night. Got a heads up of where the 'gay' area was, but for the love of a good man, couldn't find any clubs. Me and Shawn walked around in cirlces drinking vodka and Crans out of juice bottles, until we came across of group of prancing queers (well one was prancing) and followed them to a bar called The Cuff. It was a leather/daddy/bear/jock place. But I kind of saw it as an all purpose kind of bar. They had a proper bar room with darts and pinball and porn on the TV's (p.s. my new gauge of a gay bar's gayness) then they had a separate dance floor. The music was truly shite. Could pick out one Hilary Duff (gag), a Modonna (that was far too sped up), and of of the gay anthem of Summer 2007 Umbrella (ella, ella, eh).

We totally camped out in the bed of Shawn's truck, which I was sure was illegal, but we got away with it, so there. We got a good and early start to Saturday. Had breaky a crap restaurant in the public market. Sure we had a wicked waterfront view, but the service was sooo slow and premium priced food left much to be desired. Took a dump in and brushed my teeth outside a McDonald's outside the Space Needle. Real homeless like.

Went to the Experience Music Project. So. Friggin'. Cool. It's like Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, but better (I assume). It focused mainly on popular American music, but in a very cultural sense. Who was listening to what. Who influenced who? How technology has influenced the was the create music of the past century. We were only the for two hours but could have spent the whole day. And for $15, I'd call that a pretty moderately priced tourist attraction.

Then we took a drive down to 'Pioneer Square'. Getting off the highway we pass Safeco Field, which is totally a feat of engineering. This picture doesn't do it justice.

In 'Pioneer Square' I find Utilikilts. I have wanting a kilt for long time. Not sure why. I think that they ooze with masculinity. This was the first time I have come across a practical affordable kilt. Its got pockets. It come sin demin and cotton like dickies and brushed cotton that kind of feel likes wool. Awesome. I thought $130+ wad pricey, but really its not. I am getting one. For September. It was be my 'good for you for trying new things' gift.

We left the city soon after that so that we would make it back to Van to go out that night. We stopped at an outlet mall first. To do some power shopping. 3 hours later, my credit card was maxed, I have 4 new hats (yes 4!) and a serious yearning to go back. Which I will because I have to buy my kilt.

I met a guy at the bar that night. But thats another post.

The media post

2007-08-08T17:00:00.000-03:00

Ok I just spent like a 1/2 hour customizing my blog, but I'm back. Ah I love mornings off.

Ok so the first part of the media blog has to do with the up swing in middle east related movies that have/are coming out. Last night I went to go see A Mighty Heart, the Angelina Jolie film about Washington Post reporter Daniel Pearl who was kidnapped and beheaded in 2002 in Pakistan. The film wasn't what I expected. I was kind of in the mood for a good cry, but instead got a thick dose of reality. It was shot in a very docudrama kind of way and didn't get to develop the Daniel character or the relationship. Still a good pic.

During the previews The Kingdom stood out. An American team is sent to Iraq (I guess) to investigate bombing. Team member gets kidnapped, all hell ensues. I think it was Chris Cooper made me think it was a legit film. Also stars Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner and apparently Jeremy Piven and Jason Bateman. Weird thing about this movie is that I think it was filmed before Jennifer Garner was pregnant, which means its a few years old, but they have sitting on it for whatever reasons....

And then over at ohlala I saw the trailer for Rendition, which has a much better cast (Jake Gyllenhaal, Resse Witherspoon, Meryl Streep). Its about an Arab American who is detained by the government is some other country. Streep plays the president (I think) Witherspoon the wife and Jakie the interrogator.

My point of making these observations is because I am all about communicating. It is expected that since the west is engaged in such heavy military operations in the east that the east would invade out realm of media experience. But that worries me is how the east is being portrayed. It still exists in the 'orientalist' mindset, whereas this would be a good opportunity to Arab stories rather than Americans in Arabia ones....

Back on the 'light' side, I came across this video last night and almost died. At the club one night this weekend, this beautiful boy walked past me and I said, 'Now why can't I meet guys like that.' Totally obnoxious, but... then I saw this - WHY CAN'T I MEET GUYS LIKE THIS!!???
Warning: Penises
Hawt, Drunk Rugby players this way

My First Grown-up Pride: aka 'the grass is always greener'

2007-08-08T16:00:00.000-03:00

This past weekend was Vancouver Pride. And let me say it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!
Where do I begin? Well first, the four musketeers. Me and Shawn, and our friends the Irish boys. We were a force to be reckoned with. It was amazing to have a crew. Of gay boys. Back home it is usually me and girls. Girls who I love, with all my heart. But Gay boys!!! Oh it was nice.

Went to Celebrities on Friday for their 'Pride Ball'. We were HAMMERED when we got there. Had a massive predrink, almost forgot to go the bar. They had a KITCHY stage show going on when were got there. We all cheered even though we had no idea who the performer was. Made out with some blonde guy. I knew at the time (kinda) and after that it was totally beer goggles, but who is to say he didn't feel the same way. I thought it was a good start to the weekend.

Saturday was weird. During the day me and Shawn went to the beach. It was packed because people were camping out for the grand finale of the 'Sponsor' Celebration of Light. My friend Steve was in town from Calgary and gave me a call. He came to see his brother, but got ditched, so we got to hang out. We ended up going to his (brother's) place and barbequeing. He had a beautiful loft. We all went down to watch the fireworks, and I held Steve in my arms and let me tell you, it was pretty much the most romantic thing ever!
Since fireworks didn't end till 10:30 we didn't get to drinking till late and we didn't make it to the bar until like 1:30. We STILL had to wait in line until 2:30. By time time they let us in the door was was ready to jump out of my skin. We paid out cover, and they made us wait! I was dying! I don't wait in lines, but pride... there's really no choice. Fucking DJ decided to start his hip hop set at like 3:40. So while the normal people hooked up and went home at a normal time, me and Shawn, (and two crazy blondes) shook our booties HARD.

Sunday was the parade. Almost missed it. I kept telling people, 'parade starts at 2'. Steven txtd me at 11 am Sunday and it says 'parade starts at 12'. I barely could open my eyes to read it. But I knew Shawn would have my balls if we missed it so, I called him and we went down. It was really nice. Not uber big, but not small by any means. Two hours long. Hot boys, community groups, everything a pride parade should have.
Sunday night we got a good predrink on and walked into the club - no line!!! Gotta love tickets. This where the whole 'grass is greener' thing comes in. To this point we had a fucking fantastic Pride, as you can read. But I kept looking over my shoulder a the prettier more popular boys and envying them, just a little bit. But I got over it really quick. This was my first grown-up pride.

update

2007-07-31T16:46:00.000-03:00

Today is July 31st which means that I have been out in Vancouver for a little over a month. And I have nothing to show for it. Well, I just paid three months of rent. Two back home, one here. It is really frustrating to work so gad damned much and not be able to buy what I want. I drink, a lot, so I guess thats where a good chunk of my money goes, but I don't drink more here than I do at home. $20 at the bar, plus a couple of six packs here and there. I don't get it. But this will be my last week of back breaking labour. It should calm down slightly after the weekend, which I am not even working, which I am thankful for.

This weekend of Vancouver Pride, and I should really be more excited than I am. I missed Toronto and was kinda P.O. that I didn't stay for it. But only kinda. I think I am not as psyched for pride because I am not free. I am not free to buy the outfits I want. I am not free to chase after the boys I want. I am perpetually being held back.

I think I am the one that is holding me back. But I so much prefer to blame other people. My 'lover' from London is in town, and while I thought it would be good to see him and have a good fuck, he wants to be with me, and I am not all about that. Friday at Odyssey was by far the best night we have gone there. the boys were HOT, the music was AWESOME and everyone was FLIRTY. But lover was in the room so I couldn't get my dance on with the three hotties checking me and Shawn out. BALLS.

Anyways, I think I made it pretty clear that me and Shawn are doing our own thing this weekend. We will have to decide what parties we are going to tomorrow so we can buy tickets. You know my cheap ass, I hate buying things, especially expensive things, especially expensive gay things, especially expensive gay event things. But Lord knows I hate waiting in line more than all of those things. So I figure we will get tickets to two or three parties. That will be a good $200. Fuck the gay scene.

What else. I think I am also down because I have not been gymming as hard as I should be. I barely get there twice week. I blame that on working 40+ hours a week. I say 40+ only because last week I worked 42. This week was 60. The week before last was 55. This week coming up will be... just under 50. And the money? Rent. I can't imagine if I was trying to pay for school too. I guess all this hard work will seem worth is when I don't have to worry about rent in September. I guess....

My one saving grace, the beach. Me and Shawn went to Sunset Beach yesterday and had a few beers before he went get this chest waxed and I went to work. We sat there just enjoying the sun the breeze, the mountains. I said to him, "I can really see myself living out here." I really could.

Ok I gotta go. Make the most of the afternoon... before more work. AGH! Cheers

Passion

2007-07-22T20:28:00.000-03:00

So, there is this commercial on TV and I am going to try and embed it in this post so that you can see it. This commerical is pure marketing geneius. Its patriotic, it builds heros out of everyday guys and most importantly the product takes a huge backseat to the passion that is hockey.

Watching it makes me want to learn how to skate. again. It doesn't help that the boys are hott. *drools* I have decided that I won't settle for anything less than a 6'+ hockey/rugby player. Reach for the stars Will.

P.S. I talked about Qwerty (Queerity) in my last post. then I was blog surfing and found out that I totally stole it from a blog called Queerty. Ok I may not have stole it because I actually got it from Engadget. You know qwerty - like keyboards.

My All American Experience

2007-07-17T04:55:00.000-03:00

I took a day trip down to Bellingham/Burlington, Washington yesterday and would like to share the experience with you. The story begins on Friday night, when after a nice long day at work my friend Muffty and I went out for Double-Fisted Fridays at Vera's on Davie. 2 'pints' for $6. You really can't go wrong. We stay there for a couple of rounds and decided that we would have to go the gay bar.

Now we had done Celebrities on Tuesday night, their 'straight' night, $5 cover and $3 drinks. The scene, really wasn't me, very clubby, too straight. On Davie (Vancity's 'village') there is the Pumpjack, the 'leather' bar, Celebrities, Oasis, 1181 (both loungey), Numbers and Odyssey. Numbers is a smaller place, and tends to draw an older crowd, from what I have seen so it was off to Odyssey. The place is perfect. Big and open but not too big, not too fancy, but nice. It was also packed on Friday night.

Now after a good hour of dancing they called last call (3 a.m. in Van) and we kept on dancing. Haven't had a good dance in a long time. A boy leans in out of nowhere and yells, "You're an awesome dancer!" Now I have a weakness for flattery, so I chatted with this boy who was tall and slim, but athletic. When he told me he was from Washington state, his rating got a little higher. When he started talking about what he was doing in school (pyshc/public health) it went up even further.

He and his friend and Muffty and I stood outside the club afterwards idly talking for far too long and he mentioned that his hometown pride was on Sunday and that if I had the chance I should come down. I happened to have Sunday off so I decided late Saturday night I would go.

Sunday Morning
Things started to look ify, when my bus left 5 minutes early. Having run to busses mere minutes before their departure, I was shocked by the bus driver's disregard for schedules.
We get to the border and border guard was a complete bitch. Now after some contemplation, I realized that no, she wasn't a bitch, but the training program that she had gone through had turned her into one. The questions, the responses. "Its a privilege to come into this country." I felt like saying "that remains to be seen." I understand, I do that, as she pointed out, the border is serious matter. But getting a passport is not easy, and they make it hard for a reason, so that people who are allowed to travel can, with ease. I would not classify that experience as easy. Its safe to say that when I go to Seattle it will be via ferry and hope that the experience is more pleasant.

We roll into Bellingham, and find that my phone doesn't work (stupid Telus, its 20 minutes from the border!). Not only that but my quarters don't work in the pay phones!!! The nice girl in the coffee shop let me borrow her phone to call the boy. An hour later he comes and picks me up. Fine. Traveling is not always easy, I know, so moving on.

American Eyes
We get to pride festival and its small. Thats cool. Its a small town. According to the boy, its the biggest pride yet, they are making leaps and bounds. He goes off to talk to a very good looking boy, man actually, but he's short and dresses young. After he decided to introduce me, I cannot help but notice his intense eyes. They are open extra wide, listening intently to all that is going on. The boy, here after known as TW, had the same expression the Friday night. TW goes on to tell me, just barely out of earshot of the man, that he has just come out of a 3 year relationship and he is concerned that he will start drinking again and he is trying to council him into GayAA.

My problem with AA or at least how they (seem) to treat AA in the US is that they breed and addict culture. Automatically you are an alcoholic, you are broken , you need to be fixed. I am an advocate of moderation, and while I understand some people can't be moderate, AA (seems) to claim that there is no such thing as moderate. "Its been ____ since my last drink." TW was proud of the fact that he had 'never finished a drink in his life.' Good for you, I've finished many and I'm doing fine thank you very much. 'Because I'm an athlete' he'd follow up. Oh yeah, Western's Champion Rugby teams gets blasted all the time, you wanna tell them they're bad athletes?

Anyways, the man was going through a rough time in his life, and I just couldn't imagine AA making things better. His eyes screamed of the pain he was feeling, his face was the happy facade. TW's eyes may not have been screaming pain, but they were screaming nonetheless.

Politics
TW pushed his politics every instance that he could. He was the type of person who refused to accept silence. For what reason I don't know, but even when he wasn't repeating himself he would fall into these fits of uncomfortable, annoying, gasp-y, laughter, that after an hour was noticeable, and after a day unbearable. He was also... a man-hater. There has got to be a term for it, and I will ask around.
We got in an argument over the use of the word 'bitch', followed by an argument over the use of the word fag. While I held fast that they were just words and that the word only had power when people chose to give it to them, he countered that the words were violent. "Kids kill themselves over it." he clamored. "Yeah but I didn't, and you didn't." I countered. Somehow, I don't know how, but I didn't question it, I managed to play my 'multiple minority' card and had him feeling bad about his privileged position in society.
The one good thing, I think, that I took away from my ordeal with TW was confronting my qwerty (queer-it-y, the way I say it). He made me think about the people who have come before me, who did have to deal with violent homophobia. And while I recognize that the struggle must continue, I don't see it as a battle to be won in on daily basis. "Ignorance will persist," I said to him, "and strength in built through adversity." Yes Faggot is a hateful word, but as minority, we are going to be called it. The answer is not to go on a rampage and start a war on language, the way I see it, it is to stop and think, am I going to give that word the power is seeks, or am I am going to confront the truth of the statement and seek the deeper reason for the hate. Hate is usually based on ignorance, so reasoning with ignorance is like trying to mix oil and water.

TW not only had an interview this morning for a job he presumed he was going to get, but knew that my bus was at 9:15 this morning and still didn't get out of bed until 8:20, took a 30 minute shower and got me there with like 5 minutes to spare. I think its safe to say that that was my first and last trip to Bellingham Washington. If I run into TW again, I will be cordial and friendly, but *shudder*, I kind of hope that that was the end of my all American Experience.

P.S. Crossed the border twice with drugs. Tax dollars hard at work.

I just don't know...

2007-07-07T06:04:00.000-03:00

Where do I begin?

Note to self: no more free drugs. They're free - but its not worth it.
The story that is connected to that isn't all that horrible. I had a good time, sorta, but just a general rule, its never a good scene.

Next: I am not going to Calgary anymore *thumbs WAY down*
My credit card debt won't support it, and I wasn't looking forward to taking the 17 hour bus ride, so I'm not going. Maybe next year I will try and organize a group of people and go and get fuct up.

I lost my friggin' debt card. BALLS! But I finally got my money back from the bank and can start to pay back some of my debt.

The song that would best encapsulate today would be Monica's first single from back in .. (googling...[wikipedia actually]) 1995 (wow) ''Don't take it personal (Just one of dem days)''.
I wish Napster was still around so I download it. I'll google it anyways.

quick post

2007-07-01T19:00:00.000-03:00

everything is right with the world at this moment.

thats all

an update

2007-06-28T15:38:00.000-03:00

So, an update for everyone who gives a whoot. I got a job. Flippin burgers at Vera's right by the beach. pays like $9/hr, but I can get as many hours as I want. Right now they are giving me like 35/40, I'm sure I could push it if I wanted. I am still debating weather or not to try the bars. The place that I found is right in the 'club district' so...

I am going to start moving my stuff to my new place as soon as I finish this post. Cameron the guy I'll be moving in with says there a whole bunch of wireless signals I can steal. I hope my laptop can pick them up. I am pretty sure that I am going to the Calgary Stampede.

I am pretty psyched for it, but I REALLY am not looking forward to the 16 hours bus ride. Its fucking brutal. The scenery is gorgeous, but the ride is *shakes head*. But for cowboys... I'll do it. Oh and the Hip.

Coffee and Jazz

2007-06-24T17:50:00.000-03:00

Kevin took me to Capilano park yesterday in North Vancouver. The park is at the base of Grouse mountain. There is a river dam and wooded valley, minutes from the city. Minutes.

Today after breakfest, I was having a smoke outside the bakery and the wonderful sounds of band called Uncommon Gold drew my from perch to the grassy square just up the road. This week is the Vancouver Jazz Fest, and though I am not a huge jazz fan, this band was awesome. They were a four piece of musicians, that were just fantastic. I think it was the lap steel that really made it.

I kind of just wanted to remind myself why I came out here. Its different. I really do love it out here. I will meet people in time. I will see my friends again. Think about the money. Got a job by the way. 40 hours a week at Vera's right on the beach. How could that be bad?

From out West

2007-06-22T16:03:00.000-03:00

Ok, I'm here. It's been 3 days. I found a place yesterday. Still no job. But thats my own fault. I just don't want to work. I'm going to get on it today. At least for a day job. I have to hit the bars at night and guess I still haven't worked up the courage. But I am going to hit the restaurants after lunch. Which is soon. I was also held up by money, and I got some today, so...

Oh Vancouver. The place is awesome, but I miss home. Not home itself, just the thought of my place, my things, my friends. I have no one here really. There's Kevin who is awesome, but he lives in North Van, and has his own life. Parents are still a big part of that, but I guess when you live at home... The place I found is a fucking closet. Like an actual storage closet in this guy's shoebox condo. Thats not a condo... I don't know. But its a closet. A $475 dollar closet. *shakes head* What am I doing?

I figure I will be able to a get a good bar job which should pay like $350 in tips a month. Plus pay. Plus If I get a restaurant job for during the day. I will be able to eat at work...

I went for a run along the waterfront, Wednesday. It was awesome. The people here are beautiful, the scenery here is breathtaking. So for as much as it isn't perfect, it is exactly what I wanted. Something different, new and interesting. I need to try and find a place to stay for relatively free next week. I can't move in until the 1st. I can't really stay at the hostel for a full week or least not this hostel. $25 a night is cheap but not cheap enough.

The weed here is dicriculous. Like fuct. Smoked two joints and just STONED... Met a really cool guy. Not gonna detail it, but he was really really cool. He had a pocket dog - a Chiwawa named Nemo.

This why I need a camera...

Smarter than I think

2007-06-13T01:03:00.000-03:00

So I booked my flight. Thats right I'm going to Vancouver. I have to go. I hate my life.

I don't hate my life, but today was a really long day of work, and its not the work, its just the... everything. I was working to 'reception tent' at the convocations for the university. Today was the kin students. Oh my god. Why was I left out of that gene pool and how do I get in?

These boys are awesome, just specimens. It sucked because of of them were gym crushes that I've had, and to know that they won't be sweating next to me in September is depressing.

Besides that though, just the whole thing of people moving forward while I (literally) stay in the same place. Thats why I'm going to Vancouver. And however scared I am everytime I think about it, I am equally happy that I'm going. This trip is exactly what I needed. I'm glad I made the decision. I'm smarter than I think.

Another depressing thing about today were the number of GOREOUS asses leaving Western today. Kin boys in gym shorts - hot. Kin boys in their Sunday best -HAWT. I do not have an ass, which is probably why I envy and lust boys that do. But I saw taut seems. Just BAM. Here is nice one I recently picked up.

Oh - and I LOVE the new RIHANNA!! I had only hard a bit of the song and seen glimpses of her new stuff, but I heard the whole song on the weekend and just checked out the video. Fucking 10. http://www.defjam.com/site/artist_av.php?artist_id=586

Ugly Betty

2007-05-28T01:16:00.001-03:00

I've said it before and I will say it again. Ugly Betty is a great show. If you not had a chance to catch it, here.

quick post

2007-05-23T01:08:00.001-03:00

Ok, so for those of you who don't know I'm a porn junkie. Get over it.

Anyways, I found this guy and saved him under the file name 'god'.

Too much? - What do you think?

p.s. yes I lifted the image, the only reason I'm not linking it because I'm afraid you'll go... msg me

I [heart] the Internet

2007-05-21T15:34:00.001-03:00

I had to go to stupid Wal-Mart yesterday, to get some workboots. I hate going to Wal-Mart, but for stuff like that, $60 is too good to pass up. Wal-Mart 1 bajillion +1 - the little guy 0.

Anyways, while I was at the mall, I tried my hardest not to buy other stuff. Yeah right. But I am proud of myself, kept it on the clearance rack, $50 for two pairs of pants and a t-. I think I might take back pair of jeans and the t- though. They only fit ok, and I can't afford to be buying just 'ok' clothes.

Anyways so as I did my deciding today, I thought who is this American Eagle company and where did they come from. Me being me, I wikipedia'd it. The article told me what I wanted to know, I guess. They are #2 in their market, which I was surprised to find was in against Old Navy, rather than A&F.

The article used the word 'Preppy' to describe the style. Preppy had an article so I read that where I fond the link to FrattingHard.com

Wow - thats dedication. Like omg. I wish I could produce something of that caliber. But really - Fratting? Wow.

Anyways, I [heart] the Internet.

I also love: Feist, CBC Radio, Eau de Douche, and these condoms:

What are great idea! Aloe

ok, so I have a type...

2007-05-21T03:52:00.000-03:00

The guy on the left, his is name Matt Czuchry. He was the love interest of Roriee Gilmore, on the Gilmore Girls for the past few seasons.

I Google (image)'d him and found this one.

Now I liked Matt because: hes blonde, I like his squinty eyes, and of course his straight teeth.

But then I saw the guy on the right. Who is that?! Like he is at least 8 - 10x hotter.

But I thought I had a thing for blondes?

Angles. Beauty is a game of genes and angles. the brow, the cheek bones, the jaw. Mr. Right has ever so slightly tighter angles. Or is that just me?

Anyways if anyone knows who the guy on the right is holler at me, just for curiosity's sake.

Link to: TV makes you stupid
(Its a blog by someone who is obsessed with TV - its postmodern)

according to Channel 4 ...

2007-05-16T03:22:00.001-03:00

update

2007-05-11T15:31:00.000-03:00

Just gonna throw this out there - if there are people who check this - I appologize for slagging off the past few weeks. I haven't been doing anything really, just kinda getting into the grove of summer.

I am kind of glad that I haven't been on here regularly, playing out the mirco drama of my life. Suffice to say, I don't trust bisexuals, I hate my job and I love carbs.

Yeah that pledge thing - ppffbb. Now I am trying to keep up on getting in shape. I started taking whey protein FINALLY. That was a stupid story. Bought it at a silent auction I was working at. But I have it, I'm taking it. I love it.

What else - I want to bitch about - I don't even know how to phrase it. Long and Short: Crush on a guy at work. He calls me a fag. I confront him. We're friends. He comes out to me - as bi(curious?). He won't talk to me outside work. He pukes on me. He talks out of his ass. But you know what? Fuck him. Hard :s lol!!

Right oh, Cherio.

the pledge

2007-04-24T20:11:00.000-03:00

I spent the day sitting at my computer working on my FINAL assignment of 3rd year. Got it done around 6. Decided to go for a run because I skipped the gym yesterday.

On my way to the bathroom to shower, I caught myself in the mirror. I have lost my figure. I actually did a double take. WTF?!

I know exactly what happened. I got lazy. I stopped going to gym after Cuba, pretty much. I started eating like shit. I ate out a lot, laziness. I ate a lot of carbs, but I say that I do that because it makes me feel good. I went out for a Froster and a bag of cheeies at midnight last night. Why? Why not? has been my response for the past 2 months.

But the summer is on its way. And when I saw those hips, I couldn't believe my eyes. So, I have been contemplating no carbs for a while, and I guess there is no time better than the present. So May 1st - Will goes no carbs. I may also try and quite smoking and just make it hell month. We'll see.

The run I went on today was great. I could try and focus on that. Bah.

Saturday Afternoon

2007-04-21T15:30:00.000-03:00

It's 2:30, and I've been up for about an hour. I have a huge flash website that I need to start today. I was cruising around the internet and came across this post at DTB.

After Viringa Tech this week, I came to the conclusion that the US has fully and completely become a hyperreal state. I was just getting off work I believe when I saw the TVs in the University Community Centre displaying the news out of VT, and I stopped for about 30 seconds to hear the headline and kept on walking. 33 dead, a 2 hour interval between shootings, and flashes of Columbine. I'd seen it before.

So for as large as a tragedy as that incident was, I didn't shed a tear for almost two days, when I was watching the 6 o'clock CBC news hoping to find out what was going in my world, to find that apparently nothing happened in my world that wasn't related to the shooting.

Me and some friends of mine are currently in the process of trying to get a conscious publication off the ground for September. We consider ourselves very enlightened individuals and one of the reasons that we want to start this magazine is so that we can have intelligent conversations with a larger portion of our peer group. I had one with my roommate the other day about about how Canada's liberal party is creating a big mess for itself but making alliances left, green and everywhere. But even that conversation starting to draw in big media punditry and started to lose substance quickly.

Anyways, how do these things relate? I am a media savvy, conscious individual in my liberal minded Canadian haven. I can't imagine who I might be if I lived in the US. I am only turned onto the evils of the organized world about half the time as it is, and thats partly because I don't run into it at every turn. South of the boarder though, I can't fathom how torturous it must to be to see it everywhere. I posted DTB's post because I saw it and said 'who cares' - the exact motherfucking attitude that I am trying to combat in my peer group.

I will continue to blame commercial culture for the way that we are. I found a fucking fantastic public sphere show on TVO call the Agenda. Its an hour show that deals with political topics and includes a great feedback section. This is the television everyone should be watching. Except the only reason I came across it is because I don't have cable.

I am going to read that post and file yet another reason why I'm afraid, in awe, perplexed, disgusted, fascinated with the the US. I am going to read the comments to see what the DTBs readers think. I am going to battle the who care attitude until I begin to see it picked up by everyone.

*side note* great idea for a book - a post modern tragedy where the main character's life spirals away from him through a series of hyperreal events

what it feels like for a girl

2007-04-18T22:21:00.000-03:00

This is my attempt at a quick blog. I'm just about to eat dinner and go out for a couple of beers with a buddy of mine I haven't seen in a while.
And I'm standing in the kitchen thinking, "Fuck! I don't want to have sex with ___." This is the short guy that I have hooked up with a couple of times over the past few months. He was the guy I saw right after I got back from Cuba. We are going to same bar tonite, seperatly.
Anyways hes moving to Montreal and he wants to see me again before he goes. I have been trying to avoid it but hes leaves next week. And it is the civil thing to do. Theres really no reason for me not too - except - its too easy. It came to me in a stream on consciousness, I don't want a guy who loves to suck my cock or be my bottom. I want someone who calls me fat and fucks me hard. Someone I have work for their approval.
What is wrong with me? And then it hit me.
This is what it must feel like to be a girl.

Summer's here by the by, so I will have time more prolific blog.
My mircowave is beeping at.

never good enough

2007-04-09T14:45:00.000-03:00

Oh where to start, where to start...

I was going to make this post about the only semi-eventful thing that has happened to me in the past little bit, and wait till you here what it is.

But then I stopped and thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would have been a boring post since, truth be told, its a pretty sad state of affairs.

The story starts on Saturday night. My Toronto Maple Leafs had just beaten Montreal in the last game of the regular season. We were in 9th going in and with that win we knocked out Montreal for a (temporary) playoff spot. I was in high spirits and as me and my mates headed out for the night things were good. We started the night at a Richmond St. condo, finishing our predrinking and shooting the shit. Soon enough we left for the Ceeps, a legendary London watering hole. Straight bar with wood everywhere, I had planned to stay till about 12:30 and go to the gay bar. My usual course of action. This night however I had two girls in tow.

We get to 181, and I am still feeling good. The place had a pretty decent size crowd. I get out on the dance floor with the girls, and I'm getting into my groove. This gorgeous boy dances past me and we have a short exchange. He was commenting on my blue and white TML santa hat. The leafs are one of the few things about Toronto that I will defend nowadays so I didn't care that my hat was one Christian holiday late.

I keep dancing, and realize, WAIT one GODDAMN minute. A hot boy stopped to talk to ME?! I couldn't let something like that just go by the wayside. He was just my type too. Red head, slim, but with mass, close fitting clothes, but not tight. I excused myself to the bathroom and gave his ass a good squeeze on the way by.

On my way back I see the boy dancing on a speaker. I wait for him to see me. I extend me hand, "Can I dance with you?" I overly annunciate, hoping he reads lips. He takes my hand and pulls. And I lose my footing. I was up in half a second, and luckily I was drunk so there was some excuse for my clumsiness. Smiling extra wide at him, he leans in and goes, "I'm (either) not totally/not actually gay." And it was as quick as a reflex. I put hands on his torso just under his arms and ran them down just past his waist. "Well," I said, "thats what you get." And with that I was off, back to my friends.

Meanwhile, I believe, my ex was keeping an eye on me. I believe, because I keep my eye on him at the bar. Who knows why, but we do, so whatever. He is chillin' with my peeps. Dancing, dancing, dancing. A new boy is talking to me. Two boys in one night, I am a fucking star. He makes another Leafs/santa hat comment and I give my reasons. Chris, he says extending a hand. He dances away and my ego has a raging hard-on. Or did I have one?

Anyways, this is all at about last call and I hate, hate, HATE to be in a bar past last call. Chris is still on the other side of the room, but my pride (and general sensibility) tells me not pursue him. So its me and J. And we're dancing a little closer, a little closer. I knew what was happening. He knew what was happening. "Wanna come over and have sex?" He asks to make sure. "Yeah, sure." I reply.

Sex was ok. Probably some of our better, but overall I'd have to say median. He drove me home Sunday afternoon. And thats when the blogging nag started to hit me. I held off until today though. Partly because I'm a lazy bastard. Partly because I wanted to figure out what I wanted to say.

The point of this story was to explore the ideas of greener grass and settling. The grass, they say, is greener on the side. Did I settle when I went home with J? My brief encounters should have told me I was better than that. Or was I being realistic and taking what I can get? I'm 21 and year away from the beginning of my sexual decline. This should be the best sex of my life. But its a once a month, hit or miss affair. What am I doing wrong? I wasn't good enough for bi guy or Chris, J wasn't good enough for me. sex isn't good enough. My prudence isn't good enough. Its just never good enough.

And maybe thats just what I needed to take from that. It's never good enough, so appreciate what I get.

...

Another reason I held off on this post was because after J dropped me off, I turned on my computer and my email has a message from Steven. Steven is a guy that I hooked up with when I was in Calgary. He was inviting me to join him in Montreal in July for the Just for Laughs and Jazz fest which are during the same week this year.

He was MSN and we chatted for a bit. I think I'm going. But we'll see....

deeper and deeper

2007-03-30T16:31:00.000-03:00

This funk has not really ended yet. I am still not very motivated to do anything. I applied for the editor position of my faculties publication the MIT'Zine. I was the front runner, the most qualified. And of course didn't get it.
And because I haven't been going to gym regularly, I am getting man boobs. Not hot at all. However I am hoping that I get this job at campus rec. which means I will be at the gym all the time, which is totally a dream.
I had hoped to get a lot more out of this post. But it seems I don't have motivation for this either. No one reads it. It doesn't make me feel better like it used to. I need to find a new drug.

It is this fragmented world, that has me this way I think. I can't get anything done, because I only see a small part of my life at a time. I only see until tomorrow. I don't care beyond that. And that is the problem with our society as a whole. But how do you change an entire world's organizational technique.

I am trying to write this article about green products and the reasons that they are not the standard. The reasont hey are not the stardard is because people are disconnected from the earth. They throw their garbage into a can, leave it on a curb and then it disappears. Because they don't see the gross amount of garbage they produce they also have no idea of the time it will take that garbage to decompose. It will decompose, but not tomorrow or in a year. It will be generations. If people knew this, could see this then the world would be a much different place. All products would be green. People would not choose plastic over paper. EVER. I recycle as much as I possibly can. But there are a large number of products that are seemingly essential that are uber harmful to the earth.

And here I sit blogging about it.

I have always followed the philosophy of doing your part. Well I'm doing my part, what about everyone else. Who are these fuckers? Why won't they change their ways? Why won't the government do anything? why do people hate the government? Why aren't people political?

I was at my catering job last night and one of my managers was complaining about the food services staff at one of the affiliated colleges who are on strike and blocking the parking lot enternces. She said she didn't sign their petition because she doesn't like to attach her name to things. She said that she fully understood the position of the strikers. She works for the same people essentially. But she still wouldn't sign. She wouldn't call the school administration to voice her concern. WTF?

We are going to hell because of post modernism. Capitalism I hope you're happy. Fucker.

whats the word... validated

2007-03-23T13:24:00.000-03:00

Its sad when I put it out there like this, but last night I hooked up with my elusive blonde fuck buddy, and it was fucking awesome. This is the kid who I chase pretty hard (for me) on msn all the time and he's either just brushes me off or explains why we can't meet. Lately he's been msging me, but I've just closed them because I can't deal witht he the tease.

Last night however, after spending the entire evening shmusing, I got home and the little box from him was flashing on my desktop. I hit him with a whats up, and he said he was thinking about smoking a joint and then going to bed. I said I was thinking about the same thing, and cock.

"Cock?" he said. "Whose cock?" "No one in particular." I replyed. "Just cock." Pause on both ends. "So you wanna smoke then?" I ask. "Sure."

So I go over. He lives across the motherfuckign street from me. Literally a 2 minute walk. Dangerous Minds was on TV. We smoked the joint. It was huge and awesome. We had to put it out. The last few times we've done this (which hasn't been for MONTHS mind you) we sit on the edge of his bed and my hand slowy creeps up his side and we move closer and we kiss and then get down to it. Last night, he outted the joint and just went for it. I was like - well then. It was nice. I'm smiling right now.

The best thing about Cameron - big cock. He's my dream boy, except he's skinny. But even then, thats not really a negative. And the orgasim. 10+. And thats the worst thing about Cameron. We first hooked up... in the summer? So like 7 months ago, and we've only hooked up like a handful of times. I guess he used to have a boyfriend so... but like everytime we see each other its a longer intervel than the time before. But everytime, the sex is better.

*SIGH* I'm glad I got it last night though. I really needed. I had actually begun counting how long it had been. March 2nd - March 22 so like weeks. I've definately gone longer, but I was beginning to itch. I honestly feel a whole lot better.

Ok enough on that.

I remember that I had tried to make this blog something of value, so here are my links for the past couple months.

Want to feel inspired by the power of the internet, individual creativity and the wonderful world of science: http://www.makezine.com Something new everyday. You might even find a project you want to try.

Tired of crappy corporate radio? Internet radio is my new heaven. It saves my downloading, theres no commericals and its free. I was all over Yahoo! Music's LaunchCast Radio, but they have been screwing around with the channels that I like.
My roommate read about Slacker on some tech website. It is basically the same thing as the Yahoo service, except, this summer they are going to be launching a WIFI, satellite radio capable music player. The was it was explained to me, when you get up in the morning, you turn it on and connect it and its syncs up all the music for they day. Depending on which service package you sign up for, you can skip songs. I like the idea, and I like the mix of music that they offer. Check it out.

its not fair

2007-03-21T16:12:00.000-03:00

its not fucking fair! I'm 21 years old and I'm loosing a tooth like a fucking 8 year old! what the fuck is going on!??!
This is the worst thing that happened to me since, I don't know when. I am sitting here eating a bagel and I feel this familiar feeling in my mouth. And I thought it felt loose a day or two ago, but now I'm pretty sure that its coming out. I have spent the last little bit googling solutions and they all suck. Loosing a tooth sucks. And I have no one to turn too. I talked to my best friend about it the other night. But I need someone to tell me that I'm going to be all right. I don't. I am all alone.
I am trying to get some tears about but nothing will come. I need someone to hold me. I keeping thinking "Mommy" but that bitch is the worst and there is no way I am telling her anything. I am, at this moment more than any in recent memory, an orphan. Yes my parents aren't actully dead, but I've been abandoned. One literally, the other lost her mind and can no longer think beyond her own crazy desires. That leaves me and this blog. How sad is that.

blogging at work

2007-03-19T16:42:00.000-03:00

I think I may be out of my funk. I woke up this morning, and didn't feel like a sac of shit. I was slightly motivated to get to school and get work done. I have a fairly busy week coming up and I opened my agenda for the first time in two weeks today.

I think that as I get into the swing of work I sort of gain momentum. I skipped work on Friday, to sleep, so today I came in to a pile of emails to write. I got those off with enough time to get a blog in. I have to leave here and go and finish my Zine Editor application, and then I have a Campus Rec interview (I really hope I get it). Then I have class till 10 and then I gotta go home and get my shit in order. I totally fucking wasted this whole weekend. At the time it seemed reasonable, but I really need to get on top of my shit. I need to figure out my finances (fucking debt) to see if I actually can go to NYC before May.

I have a gum infection to top it all off. I am dredding going to see a dentist, but I really really need to. How fucking embarassing though. I was thinking yesterday about cruising/calling up my booty call, but just the thought of my sore gums rubbing up against cock, makes me shudder. Gum disease - That would happen to me.

I also found out that I got an interview for an IBM internship that I don't even want.

*I just lost part of my blog b/c the touch pad on this laptopFUCKING SUCKS*

So with that I am going to quit while I'm ahead. Fuck off you fucking piece of shit

Getting back on the horse

2007-03-16T16:43:00.000-03:00

It has been a really tough two weeks. Since I got back from Cuba I have been dealing with this weird crisis of faith. I think I talked about it in my last post. I am/was just so tried of the fucking grind that is my life. It seems that I am always doing something and that when I'm not doing something I'm losing time for stuff that I should be doing. But I think I have been putting too much pressure on myself.

The other thing thats been bothering me is this whole 'pressure on myself' business. I have no one to tell me that I am being crazy or that my hard work will pay off. I have to tell myself all of these things and I guess myself just got sick of motiving myself, and thats where I found myself last week. But over the past few days, I have come to the realization that I can only do so much. I have resolved to try my hardest, but if I fall short of my goals, I just need to learn from the experience and move on.

Right?

From fag hags to this empty blog, I seek validation and comfort that I am a well adjusted young man. But it doesn't seem to be coming. Why? Went to the MIT formal last night. My ex was there with his new boyfriend. It was gross. They slobbered all over each other all night. I got a couple comments from people who were completely detached ("Who are those gross people making out on the dance floor?") And as vindicating as that was for me, I thought, that used to be us being slutty. *SIGH*

I guess this is as good a time as any to go into my perfect man. He is tall and handsome and is like me in every way, but also different in all the right ways. He is ripped, shoulders, back and chest. He has a small waist and a big butt, the kind that hold up pants. Hes just an awesome smile and uses it a lot. He is kind and thoughtful and loves me for me and I love him for loving me.

My dream guy exists, because I've seen him on xtube. He is between 19-21 and knows how to use a dildo. He's got shame, but his hot body is too hot not to be shared with the world. He is my dream boy and one day I will meet him.

One day. Until then... I'll jerk off.

I thought I did this already

2007-03-06T23:56:00.000-04:00

21 and 1 day old, and I am in the dumps. I was running on a bit of a drain when I got back from Cuba on Friday. I wasn't ready to come back and get back into the grind. As much as I knew that it was only a month until this semester will be over, I just didn't want to. The weekend passed and Monday was my birthday as well as a near 12 hour day on campus. I came home to an empty house, roommates gone to play poker. My best friend gave me the cold shoulder the whole night and I just couldn't figure out why, except for that fact that he is an inconsiderate bastard.

Today I ran into the internship co ordinator for my program who told me to apply for an internship in Toronto. I - don't know how to articulate just how I am feeling, but just was I was getting into the swing of what this program is all about, I am thrust back into the business world.

I am more than likely over reacting but I don't know what to do. Or I know what I have to do, but I just don't want to do it. I have to apply for this internship, I have to go forward with Katie's project, I have write all my papers and I have to go to work.

And the gym. My fuck buddy told me that he could see my muscle mass diminishing. I was glad that he said something so I know, but WTF? I skipped the gym today because I ran into a friend of mine who I don't see very often. We talked over our issues and I felt a lot better, but just not up to going to gym. I really wish that I had.

I think that I am going to 'train' for the Western bi-athlon. Its called a 'splash and dash' 500m swim, 5km run. Nothing too much. but I'm going to do it so at least I have one race. 'Race'.

I have to figure out this motivation problem because it's hit me like a ton of bricks. My girls are coming up from Toronto to party for my birthday on Friday. I am sure that it should be a good thing for me, but it might just make things worse. Whatever it will be a fun night nonetheless.

I also wanted to write a review of the resort that we went to in Cuba, but I just don't want to. I don't want to over analysis the experience. I had an awesome time, great memories, totally worth the money. That all that really needs to be said. And I'll post a picture or two, just to make the post semi-interesting. This was one of those masturbatory/therapeutic posts...

Future topics: My dream boy, Trent Reznor and NIN, and something random.

The Ugly Side of Cruising

2007-02-21T16:30:00.000-04:00

Its weird starting a blog in a word doc. This is probably the best way for me to do it though, get all my thoughts in order, figure out what I’m linking and where to put any pictures. I am forced into this situation however because my stupid work hasn’t assigned me a network address. I plug in and nothing happens. I might make use of the extensive wireless network this school has, but they turned it off on this computer. (?) Anyways.

I had been searching for a topic for this blog all last week but nothing really came up. I was bogged down with school work and spent most of my time reading a putting together lame presentations and study notes for my classes. The weekend rolled around and the only thought that I could take solace in was the fact that it would be my last few shifts before my vacation. I had a stupid run in with my boss Thursday night, and work Friday night was just awful. I trugged into work Saturday in the same headspace.

I don’t know what about exams makes people so horny. Maybe it has something to do with our generations self destructive tendencies. Anyways I saw more sloppy wet kissing, crotch grabbing and sheer sluttiness than I have witnessed in that bar ever. And these fornicators got their foreplay out of the way adjacent to me, I started to think about the homo/hetro cruising process.

I complained to one of my co-workers that the reason I hadn’t had any good sex lately, was because my only chance of hooking up was at the bar on Saturday night (the gay bar obviously). This is not true. I have picked up from 181, once or twice. I have done the vast majority of my cruising online. Gay.com and squirt.org. Gay.com has always been a mainstay, everyone has a gay.com profile. Squirt while it should be more popular in a smaller town like London, sucks here. In Toronto, it was awesome, I remember that.

Anyways all these fucking breeders have to do is drop $9 cover and with the bare minimum requirements, can ‘bag’ a fuck. This goes for guys and girls, even though we know who is really doing the bagging.

Saturday morning at something to 5, I was pulling my pud, and thought, “Haven’t done that in a while,” as I stopped to check the gay.com chatroom. As per usual, it was empty. Devoid, at least, of my ‘type’ (under 30, white, in shape, not entirely crazy). With cat-like reflexes I was on to squirt, because when you’re cruising at 5 a.m. picky cannot you be (excuse the Yoda).

Long-story short: some guy msg’d me, we trade info, agree he’s gonna blow me, then he drops, “Are you white?” “No, I’m brown.” I reply. “East Indian, Middle Eastern? What kind of brown?”

I usually see "this person has disconnected" right after my reply, but this guys seemed like he had an open mind.

Low and behold though as soon as I finished explaining where my parents were from did the box change color ever so slightly and the above message appeared.

I am not getting down on this guy for preferring not to mess around with a brown guy. I myself have a fairly strict white only policy. You just can't help who you like. But it is still a little heart breaking. Straights and whites have it so good.

I believe in Karma, though. I am in the life situation that I am in because my actions in my past lives dictate it. And the actions of people who cross me will dictate what life situation they are born into in thier next life. And when their soul crys out from that new body "what did I do to deserve this?" then everything will have balanced out and I will be vinicated.

I am off to Cuba for a week of sexless fun and sun with my housemates. Please God let us come back friends.

Life on Hold

2007-02-19T18:24:00.000-04:00

I had a great post good to go for today, called the Ugly side of Cruising, but its trapped on my work computer. I don't know what the issue is with getting me on the net, but they haven't figured it out yet.

This event seems to be mirroring the general theme of my life over the past week. As you may or may not know I leave for Cuba on Friday: T-minus 3 days (not counting today). Last week was my 'hell' week. Exam, project, presentation. I spent most my time cramming and so I missed the gym. Also because I was spending so much time on campus, I ate like crap. I had been cruising the bodybuilding.com website, and found 'bodyspace', a myspace-esque profile where you cronicle your progress in the body modification process. The homepage has the apt slogan, 'Strength in numbers'.

Now this will end up being the biggest farce I have been a apart of since I joined 'Let's make a deal' (a 'quit smoking' program at Western) last year. Nonetheless, I said to myself, when I get back from Cuba I'll sign up. I'll start buying protein, working out more diligently, keeping track, etc, etc, etc. ... when I get back from Cuba.

When I was working this weekend, which was as bad as its been almost ever, I motivated myself through the shift with the comfort of knowing once those gruwling 10 hours were done, I'd be free from the dungeon - at least for a week.

I have had a problem in my past of inflating my expectation and then being completely deflated when they don't meterialize. For that reason, I have been writing off this trip. It probably won't be that good, I tell myself whenever dreams of sun and sand enter my brain. But I think I may have fucked myself.

I have put so much pressure on the trip being mediocore, I am starting to wonder if it was worth the $1106. I haven't even gone! What is wrong with me?! I am also scared that once I go, it will rush by and I will be back to the hell that is this life too quickly. I am already worring about stuff that is due in March. And as these thoughts terrorize me, I have to continually push them away and deal with the shit at hand. Paying my phone bill and rent, making sure I have applied for all the summer jobs whose applications closing soon, maintaining the multiple oh so vital work relationships I have. Oh and school.

*Sigh*

Update: My submission for the Edge Youtube challange never got completed. Dispite the lighting and battery issues, we managaed the shoot 90% of it in one day, last Saturday. When I went to edit it on Sunday, I found that because my computer is not designed to handle multimedia applications, the latter part of the video is a jumble of stlited video and unsync'd audio. I even tried to edit it on at the Mac lab on campus, but it just wasn't meant to be. The video that did win was awesome though. Let me see if I can find it.

Stay Tuned: Finally gonna start shit disturbing the MITSC. - A.P. if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem

bad mood

2007-02-14T21:17:00.000-04:00

I was up until 3 a.m. making flash project, that nearly killed me. I'm lying, it wasn't that bad, but it took like 3 hours.

I came to the class, which is on the far end of town, in shitty weather, expecting to hand it in and leave. I checked with the prof though, just before I left.

"Are you lecturing today or is it just the assignment?"
"No, no. I'm lecturing."

Fucking crushed. I had planned to go the bank, and get chinese for dinner and bask in the feeling of feeling ahead of the game. As I sit here, dying, I'm watching people putting their finishing touches on their projects. And they look fucking fantastic. I feel like a douche.

I have never beena very artistic person, and I do believe that design requires a certain amount of ... fuck I can't even think of the word. I just want to go to bed and sleep for a year. I'm so tired.

But I've got shit to do when I get home. I've got a presentation tomorrow. And then I have to start of the stuff for next week.

9 days till Cuba

My first brown crush

2007-02-11T15:06:00.000-04:00

Where to start where to start. I know I had said that planning my blogs was going to be the way that I raised their quality, but you sometimes things just happen that are more interesting. Well relatively.

My planned blog topics, or just stuff that I've wanted to touch on yet that I haven't include, my inability and insatiable desire for muscle. Would have been good for visuals. Also there is my white issues. Stuff like how I don't see myself as brown and I am so white, culturally, what is my heritage? That would go into really weird political and sexual areas, and I would probably go crazy writing it.

My first brown crush however kind of ties into that. I have always been attracted to white guys exclusively for a long time now. Even when I lived in India, I always kept my eye on the European boys. Today however, over an English muffin and a mug of tea, I heart fluttered when I caught my first glimpse of Zaib Shaikh as Amaar Rashid on the CBC comdey Litte Mosque on the Prairie.

The show deals very frankly with muslins in the West, touching on everything from the hopes of modernization to the struggle to hold on to tradition. The story is told from a omniscient point of view so we get to see the town bigots, the older muslin communities reaction to the new Imam from Toronto, a progressive and the show's lead.

Zaib's handsome face and seeming detachment from the world's expectations of him (at least this is Amaar's approach to the world), I think are what make me hot for him. Also that fact that he is a leading minority character. I love success, its sexy in same way that Brady and Sundin are sexy. The sweat, blood, mud, quick quips and bright smiles. These are men who have succeeded.

I was going to go into my inferiority complex and how much I envy the talented writer of Debriefing the Boys, (whose blog is an inspiration to all multi-tasking, creative, sensitive, intelligent university homos everywhere), but I'm going to go smoke some bowls with Mike and then start editing my youtube video. Much more productive. And there, something to look forward to, non-existent readers. Until next time. Cheers

My First Real Blog

2007-02-07T02:01:00.000-04:00

Ok so for this blog I am going to talk about things. Where do I begin.

It always starts with sex so why not. I love ginger kids. Its a crude term, but its better than redhead. Because its more than that. Its its a very distinct, north British Ilse blood. Fair skin, tall, and not always large but mostly meaty.

Living in Canada, and going to white school, I am fortunate enough to have a number on my campus. Today I ran into one at the gym and he wasn't big by any means, he could been like a buck 50, maybe 65. But he was ripped. And pale. But his shooting blue eyes and large swaying bluge. glwlwlwl

Oh I lost myself for a second there - ok men. There are so many facets. I want to do them all but its too many.

But That is why I am sharing this information with you. My obsession with my own gender is gross. I love guys. I love a very particular kind of guy. I love straight guys. Which is a predicament, yes? Yes.

Well I found someone who loves straight guys as much as I do. A new lover? No.

His name is Charlie LeDuff. An Irish boy. Brown hair. But a very interesting face on an interesting man. LeDuff is a journalist who works in cultural analysis. I saw him on Steven Colbert's The Colbert Report, Tuesday night promoting his new book US Guys. He travelled the country to document the current male condition.

What a great fucking idea! I am all over this book, and when I wikipedia'd him I found that he hosts a television program on the Discovery Times channel (!??!!?!? - you fucking lucky stupid americans!). I can't wait until it comes out on DVD.

This is my tribute to ginger boys. Cheers.

thats something thatwould happen to me...

2007-02-03T19:06:00.000-04:00

So remember that digital camera I bought off ebay? Well I got it - And I lost it!

I got it on Feb 1 and today is Feb 3. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

I want to go into how God must hate me -- or at least he enjoys my misfortune. But I won't. I'm in Toronto for my best friend's birthday. We are going to roll a joint, get drunk and have a good time.

And I have discovered the secret to good blogging - i think. Its planning. By planning my blogs you wont have to read about my shitty day anymore. Not that anyone reads this blog. So get ready for some good stuff. Next week on Disfunctional.

Cuba! Si!

2007-01-31T13:23:00.000-04:00

I got my passport today!! Yesterday we booked the trip. I'm going to motherfucking CUBA!

Its weird, things seems to be going strangely well. I got this shit looked after, I'm going to Toronto on Saturday for Lauren's birthday, which I can definately afford. Or at least will be after work Thurs and Friday.

I guess the only thing I have left to do is get on top of my school work. :S I hate reading, and it seems that is all the work I have to do. And I hate reading! But I need to get on it. I have a midterm on Monday, which I have to read 3 chapters for. Not too bad. But then I have to get started on reading for another midterm, and and essay. And I also have to work on a presentation. But I should be ok. At least I know what I need to be doing. Bah I hate being evaluated.

Had some great sex the other night. It was with short Rob. I wish I knew to work links and tags so if you wanted you could go back and read about my short guys debate. Anyways the sex was amazing, but I need to start having sex with people I'm hot for. I felt bad that he didn't get off, but like, if I wanted to get off, I'd make it known that thats what needed to happen. He didn't seem to interest. When I fool around with Cameron though, its my goal to get him off, because I'm hot for him. Sex is weird. But awesome all the same.

Oh heres a link for today. My friend Eric (I'm sure I talked about him before - my sexy classmate) are making a video to enter into the Edge's youtube challenage. It took me a couple weeks to come up with the concept, but we have one, I'm writing the script and looking for an actress. We have until Feb 16th (I think) to get it in. I'll post it here obviously when its done.

Girl TV

2007-01-29T03:02:00.000-04:00

Girl TV is always a guilty pleasure, and I'm not sure why. From when I was a young fag watching Ally Mcbeal, to middle school drama that everyone could get away with, Dawson's Creek, to the vernacularly endowed Gilmore Girls, I can only admit the addiction to other fans.

People's television choices in general are pretty fucked up. There isn't much to choose from these day, but what people seem to pick up and leave behind is weird. For example, 30 Rock, an SNL backed Tina Fay vehicle apparently got canceled. It appears from their website that there is a special episode coming up, but I don't know if they ordered a full season yet. Come on Meta tv is all the rage. And Tina Fay is awesome.

Thats a girls show too though. What brought me to the issue of girl tv is my only real series of choice this season. Ugly Betty is the story a girl from Queens trying to make it in Manhatten. She has a killer job and has to deal with all of these semi-moral dilemmas. The writing is fabulous, the lessons inspiring, the hunk, hunkilious (if a bit on the small side) and the aesthetic styling and shot composition is very modern.

I just thought that I was kind of interesting. Oh these are all things that you can check out on alluc.org

Is it me or PCs?

2007-01-26T12:58:00.000-04:00

I have, for the most part, been a PC advocate my whole life. I hated people who had macs because they always think they're better than everybody. And for a long time their user interface just didn't seem as ... good.

It seems though times have changed. I am so fucking sick of my laptop. I'msick of the laptop I work on at work. I hate my buddy'scomputer with all the pop-ups.I'm sick of accidently deleteing my posts with one keystroke.

I want a mac. I was looking on ebay for one a while back. But then I realized that the company is doing so much with the intel core duo, that Imight as well hold off until I can afford it.

While might take me while with my spending habits. Bought this digi cam on ebay on wednesday. It s a dv camcorder too, and for $175, I'd say its a pretty good deal. I'm gonna get off now before I lose this one - or get caught. http://www.digilifeglobal.com/ddv-m1.htm

FUCK

2007-01-24T12:41:00.000-04:00

Fuck! This is the second time I writing this post!! I hate Internet Explorer ... and to a lesser extent, blogger!

So I was originally mad that I had forgetten my dinner on the bus. Obviously it was becuase I had been staring at a hot guy.

I gotta run though boss coming. CUBA!!

post script

2007-01-23T14:54:00.000-04:00

So even though I couldn't post last night, I controlled my urge to cum.

Until this morning. Pulled one out before I got out of bed. *Shurgs* what are ya gonna do?

internet porn and popularity

2007-01-23T14:38:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in the library between classes. I should be reading, but I need to blog.

I'm sitting across from a former dream boy of mine. He messages me off the PW message board at the beginning of last year. He a tall thin, irish boy, down to the blue eyes and thin brown hair. He sent me a naughty picture of himself and we tried to hook up, but was lazy/scared/confused and has chose to embrace the str8 side of his bisexual identity. Which I awesome. I saw him at the bar over the weekend, didn' think I'd run into him this quickly. We had never actually met, and so I don't hink he remembers me. But if I remember him....

So I took the weekend off of blogging. Why? I got my computer back. And we all know what that means: Internet Porn. I love internet porn. It is my reason for gettin up in the morning. Ok its not, but I do really enjoy. As you may have gathered I am fairly sex obessed. I don't really care about much else. And so much of my time on the internet is spent surfing porn. Bloggers, and xtube offer up for fucking amazing content, and if it wasn't for the fact that I one day want to work in the industry, I would never pay for porn again. So that was Friday, then I worked Saturday and watched football on Sunday. I'm sure I could have squeezed a quick ''whats up''s in but I was suffering delusions of grandure. Which seems to keep me from a lot.

Anyways I tried to go one night without cranking one off, Monday. I sat down at my computer at 1:45 and wrote a quick little blog about idle hands and how glad I was I had something that could save me from myself. I click publish and the dreaded "try again in 30 seconds" appeared. Blogger is too popular. Stupid google and their FINITE processing capabilities. If you are going to helm Internet 2.0 please make sure you have the capasity before you buy up and popularize all the internets creative outlets.

Soon enough it will be back to the paper and pen 'logs'. And how said would that be.

This is Tom Brady's ass. He's my football hero. Mats Sundin is my Hockey one. I love him /them because he a great leader, a garcious winner and fucking hottie. The Pats aren't going to the Super Bowl this year, but who like football anyways?

I [heart] blogging

2007-01-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

Friday afternoon. 2:51. I'm on the tail end of my 'lunch' break. Hit up d-listed partly because I too enjoy celebrity fodder, partly becuse I think he is hilarious, and partly because I find pink to be visually - *shudder*.

I then surfed over to completely naked. From there I linked to DTB. The internet is an awesome place.

I love blogging because once you do it, you realize that no, not everyone is or should be a superstar blogger. People whose blogs are read worldwide put tons of time and energy into them. Just creating the links for this post took me forever. The pictures from the last post took even longer. I'm really not sure how Jared or Matt (Who is a uni student like me) do it.

But I also love blogging because it is an outlet. It is democratic. You (or I) have control of what we read, what we write. I will hopefully be back online tonight, when I get my a/c adapter from fedex. And I'd like to continue to blog. Its fun. And I will have a goal of just having a more visually appealing blog. Then I will work on gettin my name out there. I have started to comment on pages.

If anyone, anywhere reads this, savour your internet. It is a great and powerful and wonderful tool that should be used for more than porn and free streaming media. You should google everything you ever wondered arout. Wikipedia it. Learn, share, grow.
Back to the grind.

disconnected

2007-01-17T12:42:00.000-04:00

Last night was a fucking weird night. I got out of class at 4:30 and I think it was all the talk about the future, or maybe the catastrophy that is our Cuba trip, or I don't know but I felt down in the fucking dumps. And I haven't felt that way in a long ass time.

I was supposed to go to they gym, but I didn't. I just sat in front of the computer in Nat Sci and pouted. Katherine MSN'd me and we made dinner plans. I talked to J for a bit. He kept going about about how, I would get over whatever the problem was and that he was always there if I needed an ear.

Now I do apreciate the sentiment, but J come on. This is going to be harder on him than it will on me. *eye roll*

Anyways dinner was amazing and I was feeling so much better when she drove me home. I'll go upstairs and change and relax and go to bed early and feel better tomorrow, I said to myself. I went to the main house to see what the boys were saying. Sitting there watching my Leafs battle Tampa Bay, I realized, I had picked up a shift for that night. All the feelings of despare came flooding back and I felt like shit.

I stayed and watched the Leaf's victory (3/4 is 'winning' right?) but on the way to work, I don't know how to explain it and maybe it was the weed, but I had a real break down. Look at me in my tiny existence. Going to a place where I stand in the dark for five hours and then they give me money and I go home. And I do this without thinking. What am I doing with my life. And I started to think about all the other people around me wasting thier lives, doing mindless, meaningless things.

And I wanted to spill thier blood. I wanted stop the waste, the consumption. If only those who deserve to live did, the world would be a much better place. And even as the image of so many hacked bodies made my stomach turn, I felt it. The drive to kill.

Dexter - A dark, drama-dy, produced by Showtime. Starring Michael C. Hall of Six Feet Under fame the show is about a serial killer who uses his homicidal tendencies ... for good (?)

The show doesn't air on Canadian TV, or at least not yet anyways, so we watch the bootlegged internet copies on www.alluc.org

I was totally fucking influenced by a mother fucking TV show. To feel the need to kill. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

I still chalk it up to the weed. I was pretty high. But still. Holy Shit. And I consider myself a pretty stable preson. Who else is watching this?

Anyways, I walk into the bar and its DEAD and so i make eye contact with my boss and make a "keep me and you're a bastard" face and he waves me off. On the way home, I am sober. I realize that I am just being stupid and its all the little problems in my life that caused that screwed up self examination. I also had a theory that it had something to do with the face that I haven't had my computer for sooo long.

And the light bulb went off. I had a book idea. I'm not going to tell you. But its awesome. Or at least should be.

quickie

2007-01-16T12:07:00.000-04:00

I think I have started to substitute blogging for jerking off. At the moment my laptop doesn't work, and not that I can't get off without internet porn, but jerking off outside of that context makes me feel like a 13 year old again. I beat it in the shower last week, and it was ok, but I felt... I donno. I can blog in public though which seems to be working.

Anyways, its friggin 11 o'clock in the morning, I'm not hung over but I've got my sunglasses on inside the library. Went to my faculty pub last night. AWESOME. Before that I went to a kegger one of the bartenders at my work was having. I get there and there these two HUGE guys at the door. "$10.00" They say. The money comes flying out of my pocket. Played a couple rounds of flip cup, had a shot or two.

Do I drink too much? I have been drinking a lot in the past week, and I need to stop. I can't afford to pay for it anymore and I can't afford the toll its taking on my body. I need to M EFFing sleep. Today was harder to get out of bed than the day before. But I did it. Got to school early to do an interview and the place wasn't even open. And I don't want to write the story. But I need the by-line so I will.

Boys. So. Many. Hott. Boys. I love going to this school. Wish I could find me one that would screw me. (While meeting my exceedingly high standards)

Class in 9 minutes. I feel like death and this prof is the worst. I just remembered the class fills up quick so I go.

That was good, will I see you again?

I don't care

2007-01-15T14:18:00.000-04:00

"and I'm out of his leauge." I said finishing my smoke. She cocked her eyebrow. "How do you mean?" Silence. "Oh... Oh."

This was my friend's response to my finaly decision about J. J occured in the two month period that I wasn't writing this blog. We hooked up one night for sex. I was DRUNK. He came over, we screwed and he left. I woke up the next morning barely remembering any of it, but knew that I looked like a fool.

In a move to try and save face, I called the last number in my phone and left him a message apologizing for my drunkeness. That led to a coffee date, which after two weeks turned into a relationship.

After two months of a very one sided stab at things I finally came out with it; it just wasn't working. I don't want to get into the details of it, but essentially he wanted a long term, I wanted a fuck buddy.

Two months later, I ran into the bar (this is Saturday) and he accosts me and goes on about how he made this big mistake and he wants me back. Now, I am a very lonely person on the inside. Evidence: this blog, which no one reads. So for him to be all gushing over me was the best and worst thing for my ego. We left the bar together and while I don't like calling things mistakes, it was. As soon as we got back to his place (and we were all done doing drugs) I realized that after we had broken up, I tallied all the things I didn't like about him and this reunion was highlighting a lot of them.

I took him back to my place and we fooled around. And he stuck around. - -

We made a lunch date to discuss where to go from here, but there really is no where to go. I told him a loud clear voice at the bar "I am a selfish, self centered person." Which is simply a statement, not an apology. I don't have time in my life for another person and I don't need the drama of worrying about other people's feelings. There were alos a bunch of body issues that both of us had/have to get over. Again I don't want to get into too much detail, but sex was an issue for us.

So the question is how do I let this guy down. He is a great guy, and as well as our personalities go together, we aren't meant to be. Is there a way out of this without getting trapped or him feeling like shit?
I guess we'll find out.

RANT!

2007-01-10T20:04:00.000-04:00

Fuck balls! Why is my life so hard? What did I do to cause myself so much hardship? WHY?!

Fucking just spent ten minutes looking for a class that when I found by pure flooke the lights were off. What an idoit. This is the second prof that is an idoit so far. And theres no msn on this computer. More fuck balls.

I got the ac adapter for my laptop today. And it didn't fit. Why did I need an ac adapter? Well because my mother threw mine in the garbage. Do you see what I'm talking about?! Fuck - like really. All I want to do is sleep in my bed with a boy, forever. But I have to get up early tomorrow morning so I none of that. And I have o boy with which to sleep so my king size duvet will have to do.

> one hour later<

The rage has settled slightly. I have come across an ebay site, which has the adapter i need for sure. The only problem is that they have a fucking plethora of options and I am not wasting anymore money. Since my crazy ass mother scratched the model number off my computer, I am going to email the company and get their advice.

Just went to get a drink and remembered the best part of my day. Totally saw one of my crushes in the shower today. Its some kid that I noticed at the gym. He's got this look about him that just says 'hold me'. I caught his name on the back of a jersey one day and facebook stocked him. I see him every now and then. I couldn't believe it when he walked and dropped his towel today. Of course I had other shit to do otherwise I would have stayed and watched him wash. Didn't strike me as a shower at school kind of guy.

And I need to get on this fucking diet asap. I want to start taking protein, but from what I understand, results are best when you eat properly on it. And I am not eating properly. Had pizza last night which makes it at least a week of eating fast or frozen food as my main meal. I finally went grocery shopping today, and had leftover pizza for dinner. This was of course after I opened my fedex to find that I am still without a computer. Fucking balls.

I'm gonna warp this up because I can't listen to this crappy teacher and dwell on the hardships of my life. So salut, until I'm back online.

delusions of grandure

2006-12-22T16:26:00.000-04:00

Today, I am all by myself. My roommate went home, the last of the boys in the downstairs apartments left this morning. I have work tonight at 10, it is now 3:30. I have the day to myself. And I don't have to motivation to do anything.

When I'm out, waiting for the bus, running on the treadmill (which hasn't been for like 3 , will be 4 weeks) my creative juices flow the freest. I let my mind run wild with dreams of writing the next great screenplay, blogging about current relevant issues. I come up with ideas for zine articles, the club that will change the world. I live in a world where I am genius that is on his way to being recognized for it. But then as soon as I get home I check my email, my gay blogs (which i never read, just peruse for porn) and allfg.org for my daily fix of internet television.

I don't know what keeps me from starting on any of these projects. I know it myself. I know that had I any motivation I could set aside an hour to write, to muse, to create. But I find myself in Mike's room shooting the shit, smoking bowls and spacing, until its good and late. Late enough to fit in a quick wank before bed. And then its the next day and the cycle repeats itself.

I think it might have to do with my schedule. I have class, I have work, I go to the gym, so when I'm not doing those things I should be doing school work. And the only way that I can justify not doing school work is by telling myself that I am recharging my batteries.

So the question is how do I balance, school, work, and my delusions of grandure. I might try to schedule my days better. I have a very strange conception of time. I pretty much do not do anything that isn't work related outside of the regular business hours. When I have school work to do, I go to the library and try it get it done during the day, so that when I go home I don't have to try and fight the temptation of the internet.

I might also benefit from - see I don't know what! Ok so schedule my days better. School, work, school work, creative endevours, social time. Seems like a lot. I just remembered that I have to add a course (or two) to my timetable because I dropped a full credit course. Balls.

And thats another thing. The last four months have blown by. I never at any point felt it lagging. And I compare that to last year when I spent most of my time literally diddling myself. This year I am on campus 10 hours a day more days than not.

I just came to revelation. i think one of my problems is that I rely on my computer far too much. I don't journal, I blog. I don't handwrite anything, I type. And my computer doesn't travel- well. The battery is dead so I have plug it in, and my wireless card crapped out on me last year. What waste of $100. So this is the revelation. I am going to start carrying around my Moulin Rouge notebook that Lauren gave me and use that to write my screenplay ideas down, notes for zine articles. That way I can work on stuff on campus, whenever I have 20 minutes to spare.

Now that only other thing I have to try and get on top of is my school work. I have to say this semester didn't go too badly. There were some motivations problems for one of my MITs and I did end up dropping chinese, but lets be honest, unless I was willing to devote time to it, it wasn't going to happen. And I just don't have the time/motivation to learn chinese that badly. I have always and more than likely will always be proud English speaker. I have the books, and the audio accompaniment so if I feel so inclined in the future, I will teach myself.

I feel a lot better. Its 4:00 now. I wanted to make this apple pie to take home to mom. I think I will go and try. I will feel like a douche if I don't. So heres goes nothing.

Billy Singleton I love you

2006-12-15T04:42:00.000-04:00

This is an experiment in blogging for me. I have been at work since 12 today and it is now 3:42 am. Awesome. So I was at the bar tonight and Billy Singleton was there. He was drunk. He was fucking smashed. I first noticed him leaning up against a post to hold his gaint body up. As I got closer to him (and I sized him up) I noticed his fly was down. So I put my hand over my mouth and leaned in and yelled at him, "You're fly!". I'm not sure if he heard me, he kind of looked at me funny and I kept going about my business. I realized later, he didn't have a fucking clue what I said. The bar is loud and I covered my mouth.
Anyways, Billy Singleton is a freshman at school. He is on the football team *melt*. He's ... 6'3''ish, I'd said probably, 190-200 pounds. Big broad chest. solid torso. Oh and a baby face to die for! We first made acquantence with him a couple months ago at a writer's meeting for this online magazine at my school. The project is a front for keeners trying to pad their resume. Whether or not anybody reads it, we write it, edit and publish it so pppfffbbbb. The fact that he had similar ambitions/ambitiousness made him that much hotter.
Of course I facebook creeped him and found some lovely shirtless res pics. Oh boys. I do love them. Ok I was gonna try and write for 20 minutes but my brain is working slower so I'm quitting now.

finally!

2006-12-03T16:49:00.000-04:00

I have finally been able to take a blogging break! I have been on the go pretty much all week, all the week before. I can't believe it is already December. Seriously though!
Oh jees where do I start. I'm soo tired. I am literally falling asleep at my computer. But I have two papers I have to get the done like the next 36 hours so I need to stay up. For the next 36 hours. :D

I wanted to write a thing on short guys. I keep seeing all these really hot short guys all over the place, and like i hooked up with this shorter guy not too far back, and the reason I haven't seen him again since is - well - he's short. I was thinking about (since I haven't been able to blog) the one advantage to sleeping with someone who is shorter than you is that you get the upper hand more often. Unless the guys is muscle powerhouse, he will more than likely weight less than you so you can throw him around which is kind of fun and kind of impossible with bigger guys. And I have had sex with a tall guy before (like 6'3'' plus i think) and that was AWESOME and awkward as well. Like I was in him from behind but I had to like prop myself in such as way so that I could reach.

See this is the reason i dont blog. I try to write this masterpiece, but then I type slow I guess or something so half an hour later I'm not very far and I have to get back to work. SO I do and sometimes I come back and most times I don't.

Tonite I did. I must I go again. Dinner and then more essays.
Yeah.
Christmas is coming soon.
Where have I heard that before?

my body hurts

2006-11-15T20:09:00.000-04:00

My body hurts. It hurts a lot, and I'm not exactly sure why. I have not been sleeping enough, I have been eating shittily, and working out/not working out.

I'm in my Graphic Design class right now and I really don't want to be here. But I couldn't phathom staying home because I have so much work to do. I have a 3000 word essay due tomorrow I haven't started. Well I've started, but just barely. But I do figure that I have - what, 6 hours - more than enough time to get it done. And its on Madonna and postmodernity, two of favorite things ever. So I'm not to worried.

I'm more worried about not feeling well. If tomorrow is worse than today, I'm fuct. So I'm going to go to bed, partially early tonight. Weeds @ 10, session, in bed by midnight. Which still only give me 6.5 hours of sleep. All I want to do is sleep. Its not mono ... I think. I would even be more inclines to say its mild depression.

The longer I sit here through the worse I feel. Like my teeth hurt.

And I thought that if I let all my horny out in my blog I'd feel better. But this class is a follow along type workshop. - hold on -

Yeah I don't think this is gonna work. For the record it would have been a fantasy about the trades guys at funshawe. They're burly and gruff. And if they were all into it, it would be fun. An orgy I mean. In the metal shop, or automotive garage. Aaah hot

So thats how its gonna be

2006-11-12T13:59:00.000-04:00

I don't even know where to begin on this one. I want to talk about my lack of motivation for LIFE, but what is weighing on my mind is stupid last night. Maybe we'll do that first and then move onto what is wrong with me.

So Last night had the potential to be a fucking fantastic night, and no doubt it was. But then he had to go and ruin it. Saturday night, after not doing anything all day, I showered put on my clothes and headed out to the beer store. It was a normal shitty London night, rainy almost, windy and gross. I get back to the house just as the Leafs scored their first or five goals against the Habs. A leafs win, some points for my pool, beer, friends and pot. It was perfect.

Then we tried to get the night started. Made the phone calls to see which party/bar we wre going to. Of course my crew can't get anything done, so we ended up at the boys house trying to get them to leave. I was having none it. I was going to the gay bar.

My good friend Laura, was going to support this guy she is seeing [GORGEOUS] who was going to support his gay friends. So it was like one big support group. So I get to bar, by myself and realize that it isn't so easy to show up by yourself, confident, hot and ready for action. I walked in and recognize not a single face. And while all of this is clicking in my head, I remember the ex-.

I didn't even think to think if he was coming or not. I think a large part of me didn't give a fuck. But the night went on of course as it tends to do. I found my friend and her hot lover and we danced slutily for a good chunk of songs. I left the dance floor to grab a drink with a friend, and after waiting at the bar for like 10 minutes I turned anf caught a gilmspe of him in the crowd coming towards me. Thank god for my new hair cut.

Its funny because while we were going out I had always threatened to get a mohawk, but never did. The week we break up though I'm all over that shit. So I barried my face in my big plastic cup, and turned my back to him and he kept moving. While I drunk at the time, I knew this wasn't going to go well.

Fast forward, back on the dancefloor I'm grooving my ass when a former flig walks by. Of course this is the guy who is my ex-'s gay enemey. And of course he's drunk and of course he grabs me for a kiss, and of course I push him off [with one hand and grab his cock with my other, which of course sent mixed messages] and of course he tries again. Holding his head with both my hands I yell ' Please, for me, don't!' He keeps walking and I try and find the ex- but hes gone [from dancing not to far away].

I go out for a butt w/ my friend to discuss and her other friend comes out. She explains that the guy she came with is my ex-'s ex-. It is at about this point that the night is officially ruined. Absolute fucking bullshit. I can't concievablely go back in the club and try and pick up with all of this drama in the room. In addition its getting late, and one thing that I have learned is that the longer you stay in the bar after last call, the slimmer the pickings get and generally the worse you look.

We stomp out our butts and walk in the doors and there goes the ex- speeding past me head down. Behind him is my friend who shakes his head in a discouraging manner.

And that was my Saturday night.

So far as my motivation problem, I think what the issue is is simply my personal capacity for work. I don't work well under low pressure situations. I need it to be like do this or you will fail at life, not o this so you can stay ahead. Ahead, who likes to be ahead? Its not exciting when you have your days planned out weeks. Its not fun trying to pencil in friends.

I'm sure there is something to be said about growing up and forward thinking, but I think my three jobs are forward thinking enough thank you, and so I deserve every single ounce I get. Or at least thats how I'm going to justify it.

I do have to go on a diet though. Looked at myself in the mirror the other day and was like 'whats the verdict?' And I stood there and looked at my ass, and my legs and my middle and my chest and back and I like it all. Except for my middle. I have been letting loose lately and the lines thats should be straight are getting round. I need to keep and eye on that. Awesome I love blogging. I feel a lot better.

Why is Nathan such a stud?

2006-11-01T17:22:00.000-04:00

So there is this guy that goes to my school and he is gay and he is a stud. His name is Nathan and hes really pretty, but not too pretty, and hes tall but not too tall, and hasa good build but not a tank. He is a dreamboat.
But this kid is like the most ellusive person ever. You only ever catch glimeses of him on campus, in and out of the library. I only ever saw him at the gay bar... what twice last year, none this year. He's got a private profile on facebook, and no one I know knows him.
What about this boys with the nice smile is so appealing. Maybe hes prefect in his silent splendor. Maybe its because hes hot and not stuck up about it. Maybe its the fact that he doesn't know I exsist. All the other fags know who I am. They give me dirty looks to prove it. This kid though doesn't even know I exist and we've danced together before.
Oh Nathan how I love thee... from afar and completely superficially.

Speak of the devil

2006-08-24T14:32:00.000-03:00

So yeah, yesterday as I was setting up this blog and writing my first, god aweful posting, I was toggleing between my firefox window and an msn conversation with a boy named Greg.
Greg is short, skinny mc who I first noticed when we worked at the same grocery story last fall. Hes a got a killer smile, which he has stupidly plastered on his face at all times. And his ass looked great in a pair of black slacks. Turned out that I got fired from the store right as my 3 month probation coming to an end, and that was that.
Until April when me and my roommated moved into closer quarters and one night a group of his friends from home up to visit. A boy in the group struck me as familiar, and cute. It came up in conversation that he was a cashier at that same grocery store and that in fact this was the same boy.
We flirted heavily in our subsiquent meetings, something I was very new to, but he flirted back which made it a whole lot easier. I questioned my roommate on his sexual status and he shrugged his shoulder, as he does so often. Finally I got up the courage to ask him...
[msn conversation, verbatum]

{me}what are u doing?
{him}just chatting too a couple people
indeed
so yea........
lol ok so i got ur phone # the other nite and have pretty much just been a big pussy about calling you.... - Try and not be mad!! - but - I like you..... am i barking up the wrong tree...
not at all
*MEGA sigh*

And that was pretty much it. I called him a couple times to see if he wanted to chill and I got nothing. Then it turns out that he has an internet girlfriend.... yeah. I was a little put off, but I was like no harm no foul. And I don't hear from, think of the child for the next three months. Then yesterday he messages me to say hello.
[msn convo, verbatum]

{me} what have u been up to - u dont come down anymore
{him} i do i do just havent called brady in a while saw him friday
ah ha - well i dont see u anymore
so we still need to fool around - can that be an exucse to come down?
well i bought a latex hood with penis attachment at "it's fun" this afternoon:D
u have a pic / link of the contraction u speak of - i can imagine but hey its the internet there must be somewhere i can see it
not at the moment anyway you'll just have to wait to see me in it
horseshit i've waited what like 3 months - i'm on my edge here greg
hey i'm just trying to live my life
lol - i guess that sounded a bit dramatic - but i'm like that I'll wait paitently greg, dont u worry
what time do you work till tonight?
I don't
we'll i'll be heading back into masonville after dinner to hand in my references so i could stop by if you like

And that was that. He brought over the latex hood. it was fun. kinky as shit but fun all the same.

note to self : never cut and paste msn histories

Inspired

2006-08-23T17:03:00.000-03:00

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
It has been forever since my last confession.
The internet has taken the privacy screen out of the confession box and replaced it with a HD camera, a Hi-Fi microphone and an amplifier that broadcasts people's deepest darkest secrests to the world.
And I fucking love it. Blogger seems to be the blog of choice, its simple and clean. I had one on here before, but I stopped writing it because it acted more as a live journal than anything. Recounts of events for my friends to keep up on my life. Thruthfully it was because my memory is pretty bad and I can't really remember last week.
I plan on using this to do more introspective lamenting. It will no doubt will be base and trivial and all things mundane but this is more for my pleasure anyways. If you enjoy following this blog, then cheers mate.
I titled this post inspried because, and I mentioned above, I've doen the blog thing before. I stumbled on the 'gay blog' curcit just this summer and was amazed to find the kind of blogs I wanted to read. About young, professional, promiscuous homosexuals, that give all the nitty-gritty details I long to exprience.
Imagine a well adjusted young male, with a career and a body and healthy sex life.
Well this blog will tell the 'tales in the city' of a brown boy, with a few issues that lives in a very tradtional town. I wish not to gush over London, Ontario and the ways in which this town irritates me. Well at least not all at once.

So here goes ya'll.