Strange State of Grace

So, I realized today that I haven't done any writing (outside of class) for a long ass time. I picked up an MIT Zine this morning and scoffed. But as I flipped through the issue, I realized that I could not have done much better. But then I realized that it wasn't for my lack of writing ability, but because I was just lacking things to say.

Ever since I have decided what I want to do with my life, I have sort of found this strange state of grace, where, I am no longer worried about what is going to happen next, I have an end goal, and I will make strides to reach it.

But my goal doesn't require a whole lot out of me at the present. And so as I am no longer panicking, it seems I have lost the sense of passion I once had. I don't feel enraged about things anymore, or joyous for that matter, I just don't feel very much of anything.

I am sure it is partly to do with the fact that I am so fucking busy I don't have time to watch the news of catch up on the world. But I think it partly has to do with ... I don't know a sort of disillusionment. From what I don't know... I'm not sure I care... But it bothered me that I haven't written. So here I am writing....

In other news, I decided that that boy that I like at work, needed to know how I felt about him because in my head, he felt the same way I did.... So I just said to myself one night, Ok I'm gonna do. I had what I would planned out but as we walked through the still Sunday morning air through the white Victoria Park, I realized I was way way off. But there were words already coming out of my mouth.

I was apologizing for treating him poorly over the past few weeks. I had been avoiding him in an attempt to stomp out my passion for him, which obviously didn't work. Well, why would you treat me badly, he asked. Don't worry, I said, thats not important. Well, I want to know, he said, you can't bring it up and not tell me. So I did.

"I realized that I was really starting to like you," I said "And I would consider you one of my better friends, and I don't like to weird out my friends. So I was a dick to you, thats how I dealt with it."

"Well that's stupid," he said. He went on that he only really like me and one other guy at work and that it would be "stupid" to lose a friend for that.

We parted ways and I convinced myself I felt better. Which I do... "That's stupid" echoed in my head for the Sunday and into the Monday. And then Tuesday night after staff dinner, he poked me again.

What a fucking guy...

Last crap item for the day. I know these two girls who like EXACTLY the same and I have almost called them the wrong name. I ran into one this morning, I am going out with the other one tonight and so as I was about to say "Can't wait till tonight" I realized it was the other one and changed it to "are you coming out tonight". Stupid look a like girls, can't keep them straight.
Anyways handing in my second to last paper today, so I should probably start.