delusions of grandure

Today, I am all by myself. My roommate went home, the last of the boys in the downstairs apartments left this morning. I have work tonight at 10, it is now 3:30. I have the day to myself. And I don't have to motivation to do anything.

When I'm out, waiting for the bus, running on the treadmill (which hasn't been for like 3 , will be 4 weeks) my creative juices flow the freest. I let my mind run wild with dreams of writing the next great screenplay, blogging about current relevant issues. I come up with ideas for zine articles, the club that will change the world. I live in a world where I am genius that is on his way to being recognized for it. But then as soon as I get home I check my email, my gay blogs (which i never read, just peruse for porn) and allfg.org for my daily fix of internet television.

I don't know what keeps me from starting on any of these projects. I know it myself. I know that had I any motivation I could set aside an hour to write, to muse, to create. But I find myself in Mike's room shooting the shit, smoking bowls and spacing, until its good and late. Late enough to fit in a quick wank before bed. And then its the next day and the cycle repeats itself.

I think it might have to do with my schedule. I have class, I have work, I go to the gym, so when I'm not doing those things I should be doing school work. And the only way that I can justify not doing school work is by telling myself that I am recharging my batteries.

So the question is how do I balance, school, work, and my delusions of grandure. I might try to schedule my days better. I have a very strange conception of time. I pretty much do not do anything that isn't work related outside of the regular business hours. When I have school work to do, I go to the library and try it get it done during the day, so that when I go home I don't have to try and fight the temptation of the internet.

I might also benefit from - see I don't know what! Ok so schedule my days better. School, work, school work, creative endevours, social time. Seems like a lot. I just remembered that I have to add a course (or two) to my timetable because I dropped a full credit course. Balls.

And thats another thing. The last four months have blown by. I never at any point felt it lagging. And I compare that to last year when I spent most of my time literally diddling myself. This year I am on campus 10 hours a day more days than not.

I just came to revelation. i think one of my problems is that I rely on my computer far too much. I don't journal, I blog. I don't handwrite anything, I type. And my computer doesn't travel- well. The battery is dead so I have plug it in, and my wireless card crapped out on me last year. What waste of $100. So this is the revelation. I am going to start carrying around my Moulin Rouge notebook that Lauren gave me and use that to write my screenplay ideas down, notes for zine articles. That way I can work on stuff on campus, whenever I have 20 minutes to spare.

Now that only other thing I have to try and get on top of is my school work. I have to say this semester didn't go too badly. There were some motivations problems for one of my MITs and I did end up dropping chinese, but lets be honest, unless I was willing to devote time to it, it wasn't going to happen. And I just don't have the time/motivation to learn chinese that badly. I have always and more than likely will always be proud English speaker. I have the books, and the audio accompaniment so if I feel so inclined in the future, I will teach myself.

I feel a lot better. Its 4:00 now. I wanted to make this apple pie to take home to mom. I think I will go and try. I will feel like a douche if I don't. So heres goes nothing.

Billy Singleton I love you

This is an experiment in blogging for me. I have been at work since 12 today and it is now 3:42 am. Awesome. So I was at the bar tonight and Billy Singleton was there. He was drunk. He was fucking smashed. I first noticed him leaning up against a post to hold his gaint body up. As I got closer to him (and I sized him up) I noticed his fly was down. So I put my hand over my mouth and leaned in and yelled at him, "You're fly!". I'm not sure if he heard me, he kind of looked at me funny and I kept going about my business. I realized later, he didn't have a fucking clue what I said. The bar is loud and I covered my mouth.
Anyways, Billy Singleton is a freshman at school. He is on the football team *melt*. He's ... 6'3''ish, I'd said probably, 190-200 pounds. Big broad chest. solid torso. Oh and a baby face to die for! We first made acquantence with him a couple months ago at a writer's meeting for this online magazine at my school. The project is a front for keeners trying to pad their resume. Whether or not anybody reads it, we write it, edit and publish it so pppfffbbbb. The fact that he had similar ambitions/ambitiousness made him that much hotter.
Of course I facebook creeped him and found some lovely shirtless res pics. Oh boys. I do love them. Ok I was gonna try and write for 20 minutes but my brain is working slower so I'm quitting now.

finally!

I have finally been able to take a blogging break! I have been on the go pretty much all week, all the week before. I can't believe it is already December. Seriously though!
Oh jees where do I start. I'm soo tired. I am literally falling asleep at my computer. But I have two papers I have to get the done like the next 36 hours so I need to stay up. For the next 36 hours. :D

I wanted to write a thing on short guys. I keep seeing all these really hot short guys all over the place, and like i hooked up with this shorter guy not too far back, and the reason I haven't seen him again since is - well - he's short. I was thinking about (since I haven't been able to blog) the one advantage to sleeping with someone who is shorter than you is that you get the upper hand more often. Unless the guys is muscle powerhouse, he will more than likely weight less than you so you can throw him around which is kind of fun and kind of impossible with bigger guys. And I have had sex with a tall guy before (like 6'3'' plus i think) and that was AWESOME and awkward as well. Like I was in him from behind but I had to like prop myself in such as way so that I could reach.

See this is the reason i dont blog. I try to write this masterpiece, but then I type slow I guess or something so half an hour later I'm not very far and I have to get back to work. SO I do and sometimes I come back and most times I don't.

Tonite I did. I must I go again. Dinner and then more essays.
Yeah.
Christmas is coming soon.
Where have I heard that before?

my body hurts

My body hurts. It hurts a lot, and I'm not exactly sure why. I have not been sleeping enough, I have been eating shittily, and working out/not working out.

I'm in my Graphic Design class right now and I really don't want to be here. But I couldn't phathom staying home because I have so much work to do. I have a 3000 word essay due tomorrow I haven't started. Well I've started, but just barely. But I do figure that I have - what, 6 hours - more than enough time to get it done. And its on Madonna and postmodernity, two of favorite things ever. So I'm not to worried.

I'm more worried about not feeling well. If tomorrow is worse than today, I'm fuct. So I'm going to go to bed, partially early tonight. Weeds @ 10, session, in bed by midnight. Which still only give me 6.5 hours of sleep. All I want to do is sleep. Its not mono ... I think. I would even be more inclines to say its mild depression.

The longer I sit here through the worse I feel. Like my teeth hurt.

And I thought that if I let all my horny out in my blog I'd feel better. But this class is a follow along type workshop. - hold on -

Yeah I don't think this is gonna work. For the record it would have been a fantasy about the trades guys at funshawe. They're burly and gruff. And if they were all into it, it would be fun. An orgy I mean. In the metal shop, or automotive garage. Aaah hot

So thats how its gonna be

I don't even know where to begin on this one. I want to talk about my lack of motivation for LIFE, but what is weighing on my mind is stupid last night. Maybe we'll do that first and then move onto what is wrong with me.

So Last night had the potential to be a fucking fantastic night, and no doubt it was. But then he had to go and ruin it. Saturday night, after not doing anything all day, I showered put on my clothes and headed out to the beer store. It was a normal shitty London night, rainy almost, windy and gross. I get back to the house just as the Leafs scored their first or five goals against the Habs. A leafs win, some points for my pool, beer, friends and pot. It was perfect.

Then we tried to get the night started. Made the phone calls to see which party/bar we wre going to. Of course my crew can't get anything done, so we ended up at the boys house trying to get them to leave. I was having none it. I was going to the gay bar.

My good friend Laura, was going to support this guy she is seeing [GORGEOUS] who was going to support his gay friends. So it was like one big support group. So I get to bar, by myself and realize that it isn't so easy to show up by yourself, confident, hot and ready for action. I walked in and recognize not a single face. And while all of this is clicking in my head, I remember the ex-.

I didn't even think to think if he was coming or not. I think a large part of me didn't give a fuck. But the night went on of course as it tends to do. I found my friend and her hot lover and we danced slutily for a good chunk of songs. I left the dance floor to grab a drink with a friend, and after waiting at the bar for like 10 minutes I turned anf caught a gilmspe of him in the crowd coming towards me. Thank god for my new hair cut.

Its funny because while we were going out I had always threatened to get a mohawk, but never did. The week we break up though I'm all over that shit. So I barried my face in my big plastic cup, and turned my back to him and he kept moving. While I drunk at the time, I knew this wasn't going to go well.

Fast forward, back on the dancefloor I'm grooving my ass when a former flig walks by. Of course this is the guy who is my ex-'s gay enemey. And of course he's drunk and of course he grabs me for a kiss, and of course I push him off [with one hand and grab his cock with my other, which of course sent mixed messages] and of course he tries again. Holding his head with both my hands I yell ' Please, for me, don't!' He keeps walking and I try and find the ex- but hes gone [from dancing not to far away].

I go out for a butt w/ my friend to discuss and her other friend comes out. She explains that the guy she came with is my ex-'s ex-. It is at about this point that the night is officially ruined. Absolute fucking bullshit. I can't concievablely go back in the club and try and pick up with all of this drama in the room. In addition its getting late, and one thing that I have learned is that the longer you stay in the bar after last call, the slimmer the pickings get and generally the worse you look.

We stomp out our butts and walk in the doors and there goes the ex- speeding past me head down. Behind him is my friend who shakes his head in a discouraging manner.

And that was my Saturday night.

So far as my motivation problem, I think what the issue is is simply my personal capacity for work. I don't work well under low pressure situations. I need it to be like do this or you will fail at life, not o this so you can stay ahead. Ahead, who likes to be ahead? Its not exciting when you have your days planned out weeks. Its not fun trying to pencil in friends.

I'm sure there is something to be said about growing up and forward thinking, but I think my three jobs are forward thinking enough thank you, and so I deserve every single ounce I get. Or at least thats how I'm going to justify it.

I do have to go on a diet though. Looked at myself in the mirror the other day and was like 'whats the verdict?' And I stood there and looked at my ass, and my legs and my middle and my chest and back and I like it all. Except for my middle. I have been letting loose lately and the lines thats should be straight are getting round. I need to keep and eye on that. Awesome I love blogging. I feel a lot better.

Why is Nathan such a stud?

So there is this guy that goes to my school and he is gay and he is a stud. His name is Nathan and hes really pretty, but not too pretty, and hes tall but not too tall, and hasa good build but not a tank. He is a dreamboat.
But this kid is like the most ellusive person ever. You only ever catch glimeses of him on campus, in and out of the library. I only ever saw him at the gay bar... what twice last year, none this year. He's got a private profile on facebook, and no one I know knows him.
What about this boys with the nice smile is so appealing. Maybe hes prefect in his silent splendor. Maybe its because hes hot and not stuck up about it. Maybe its the fact that he doesn't know I exsist. All the other fags know who I am. They give me dirty looks to prove it. This kid though doesn't even know I exist and we've danced together before.
Oh Nathan how I love thee... from afar and completely superficially.

Speak of the devil

So yeah, yesterday as I was setting up this blog and writing my first, god aweful posting, I was toggleing between my firefox window and an msn conversation with a boy named Greg.
Greg is short, skinny mc who I first noticed when we worked at the same grocery story last fall. Hes a got a killer smile, which he has stupidly plastered on his face at all times. And his ass looked great in a pair of black slacks. Turned out that I got fired from the store right as my 3 month probation coming to an end, and that was that.
Until April when me and my roommated moved into closer quarters and one night a group of his friends from home up to visit. A boy in the group struck me as familiar, and cute. It came up in conversation that he was a cashier at that same grocery store and that in fact this was the same boy.
We flirted heavily in our subsiquent meetings, something I was very new to, but he flirted back which made it a whole lot easier. I questioned my roommate on his sexual status and he shrugged his shoulder, as he does so often. Finally I got up the courage to ask him...
[msn conversation, verbatum]

{me}what are u doing?
{him}just chatting too a couple people
indeed
so yea........
lol ok so i got ur phone # the other nite and have pretty much just been a big pussy about calling you.... - Try and not be mad!! - but - I like you..... am i barking up the wrong tree...
not at all
*MEGA sigh*

And that was pretty much it. I called him a couple times to see if he wanted to chill and I got nothing. Then it turns out that he has an internet girlfriend.... yeah. I was a little put off, but I was like no harm no foul. And I don't hear from, think of the child for the next three months. Then yesterday he messages me to say hello.
[msn convo, verbatum]

{me} what have u been up to - u dont come down anymore
{him} i do i do just havent called brady in a while saw him friday
ah ha - well i dont see u anymore
so we still need to fool around - can that be an exucse to come down?
well i bought a latex hood with penis attachment at "it's fun" this afternoon:D
u have a pic / link of the contraction u speak of - i can imagine but hey its the internet there must be somewhere i can see it
not at the moment anyway you'll just have to wait to see me in it
horseshit i've waited what like 3 months - i'm on my edge here greg
hey i'm just trying to live my life
lol - i guess that sounded a bit dramatic - but i'm like that I'll wait paitently greg, dont u worry
what time do you work till tonight?
I don't
we'll i'll be heading back into masonville after dinner to hand in my references so i could stop by if you like

And that was that. He brought over the latex hood. it was fun. kinky as shit but fun all the same.

note to self : never cut and paste msn histories

Inspired

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
It has been forever since my last confession.
The internet has taken the privacy screen out of the confession box and replaced it with a HD camera, a Hi-Fi microphone and an amplifier that broadcasts people's deepest darkest secrests to the world.
And I fucking love it. Blogger seems to be the blog of choice, its simple and clean. I had one on here before, but I stopped writing it because it acted more as a live journal than anything. Recounts of events for my friends to keep up on my life. Thruthfully it was because my memory is pretty bad and I can't really remember last week.
I plan on using this to do more introspective lamenting. It will no doubt will be base and trivial and all things mundane but this is more for my pleasure anyways. If you enjoy following this blog, then cheers mate.
I titled this post inspried because, and I mentioned above, I've doen the blog thing before. I stumbled on the 'gay blog' curcit just this summer and was amazed to find the kind of blogs I wanted to read. About young, professional, promiscuous homosexuals, that give all the nitty-gritty details I long to exprience.
Imagine a well adjusted young male, with a career and a body and healthy sex life.
Well this blog will tell the 'tales in the city' of a brown boy, with a few issues that lives in a very tradtional town. I wish not to gush over London, Ontario and the ways in which this town irritates me. Well at least not all at once.


So here goes ya'll.