New Years & The Pledge (& Inspiration)

So another year comes to a close today - and the only reason that this is a positive post is because I am not working. Some poor bastard offered to take shifts so I gave him the only one that matters. Instead of cursing life tonight surrounding by drunk idiots, I will be a drunk idiot toasting life. Much better.

I am going to Guelph to party with Lea and Lauren, and I have no doubt it will be sloppy. I am supposed to be packing, but I as I was dressing, I put on the MTV.ca video mix which started off with Rihanna and Britney. Why do female pop stars inspire me to be the best I can be? I want to be pretty girl deep down inside I guess. I was thinking that in 2008 I will finally do drag. I have wanted to for a while but have not really been inspired. But I think I can pull off a Riri. Get a cute weave, short dress and some nice size 12 high heels. I will try and do it for Pride...

And Britney I love you! I love that you are a shameless whore. I hate that you won't clean up your life. I've cut friends off for less. But... You're priceless. If you haven't seen her latest creative endeavour:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89oS4SN4mNg

And of course the pledge is back. I can't remember what it was last time. I think it was no carbs. I am going to start that up again. Except it won't be HARDCORE - I just took a loaf of bread out of the freezer. And I have a big bag of russet potatoes that have to get eaten - and I'm poor. So not hardcore, but still a lot better than I'm doing now. That means no more Tim's bagels :( - I means more water, more fruit, - oh and gyming 5 days a week - I wam going to try for 6, but no promises. I AM GOING TO BET A BODY SPACE. And I will link to it.

I also have to work harder on FD.
I also have to flush out my ideas for Real Canadian Man Magazine (title subject to change)
And The 13.

Oh and I'm going to read a lot more. I am have two books on the go right now. And I bought Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.

Four months until Freedom. I just have to set a good base in those months and hopefully everything will go well after that. A Prayer:
Dear God,
Please see my through the next year safely, healthily, and happily. And Peace on earth.

See you bitches in 2008

because I need to...

I need to write this post so that I can say to myself that I'm not a piece of shit.

I have been as lazy as I have ever been - ever. I spent 7 hours in front of the TV a couple of days ago. I just finished dealing with my internship thing that took a week longer than it should have. I got blind drunk on Monday and may have said something stupid to 'poke' boy. But for whatever reason, here I am, Friday afternoon, watching Oprah and struggling to write this post.

I have felt for a while to need to get a creative project to work on. And recently I feel like writing again. I should get my hands on a copy of Creative Suite but I've tried, and no fucking go.

This is a shit post. But its been a shit month... or two so...
At least I tried...

Strange State of Grace

So, I realized today that I haven't done any writing (outside of class) for a long ass time. I picked up an MIT Zine this morning and scoffed. But as I flipped through the issue, I realized that I could not have done much better. But then I realized that it wasn't for my lack of writing ability, but because I was just lacking things to say.

Ever since I have decided what I want to do with my life, I have sort of found this strange state of grace, where, I am no longer worried about what is going to happen next, I have an end goal, and I will make strides to reach it.

But my goal doesn't require a whole lot out of me at the present. And so as I am no longer panicking, it seems I have lost the sense of passion I once had. I don't feel enraged about things anymore, or joyous for that matter, I just don't feel very much of anything.

I am sure it is partly to do with the fact that I am so fucking busy I don't have time to watch the news of catch up on the world. But I think it partly has to do with ... I don't know a sort of disillusionment. From what I don't know... I'm not sure I care... But it bothered me that I haven't written. So here I am writing....

In other news, I decided that that boy that I like at work, needed to know how I felt about him because in my head, he felt the same way I did.... So I just said to myself one night, Ok I'm gonna do. I had what I would planned out but as we walked through the still Sunday morning air through the white Victoria Park, I realized I was way way off. But there were words already coming out of my mouth.

I was apologizing for treating him poorly over the past few weeks. I had been avoiding him in an attempt to stomp out my passion for him, which obviously didn't work. Well, why would you treat me badly, he asked. Don't worry, I said, thats not important. Well, I want to know, he said, you can't bring it up and not tell me. So I did.

"I realized that I was really starting to like you," I said "And I would consider you one of my better friends, and I don't like to weird out my friends. So I was a dick to you, thats how I dealt with it."

"Well that's stupid," he said. He went on that he only really like me and one other guy at work and that it would be "stupid" to lose a friend for that.

We parted ways and I convinced myself I felt better. Which I do... "That's stupid" echoed in my head for the Sunday and into the Monday. And then Tuesday night after staff dinner, he poked me again.

What a fucking guy...

Last crap item for the day. I know these two girls who like EXACTLY the same and I have almost called them the wrong name. I ran into one this morning, I am going out with the other one tonight and so as I was about to say "Can't wait till tonight" I realized it was the other one and changed it to "are you coming out tonight". Stupid look a like girls, can't keep them straight.
Anyways handing in my second to last paper today, so I should probably start.

a dark muse

I am not sure why I am propelled to write when I feel like shit. Today I feel like an unaccomplished piece of shit that is taking of space in the world, wasting time and energy trying to be someone that I will never be. But I don't see any alternative and that's the strangest part. I guess I could strive for a life of mediocrity, managing a Starbucks are something. With my dog. In a rental.

This was the last journal entry I included in my package to my creative writing prof:

Who are these fags?

So I went to this queer function last night run by the campus queer constituency group, held at the bar that I work at. I was quite surprised by the turn out, could have been 60 or 70 college aged queers at my bar, dancing and kissing and chatting up a storm. When I got there I knew no one. A few faces look familiar from campus, but I didn’t know anyone. I bought a drink and milled around the room getting more and more uncomfortable as I sank into a dark hole of isolation.

I was angry at these gays last night and I can’t figure out why. Well, I know exactly why, jealousy. How the hell did these fags have friends – gay friends? I don’t have any gay friends. I know my two ex-s one other guy in my writing class, and that about it. I have been introduced to a bunch over the past four years, but none of them are friends of mine. Even people that I didn’t know were gay were there, and seemingly in the Western queer posse. I mean come on, right?

I have a good idea of why don’t know any fags. I don’t like them. There seems to me to be this weird sexual tension amongst us, or maybe that is just me. Or if not sexual tension, its this other kind of competitive tension, like a silent pissing contest. Again though, maybe that is just me, they seem to get along fine with each other. I fell like I am being judged when I am in a room with them. Because I know that they recognize me from campus. I know they know I’m that fag who refuses to be their friend.

Which really is part of the equation. When I was in second year, I realized that there was a group of students in my faculty that were the elites. I made a conscious decision to infiltrate the group and though it took me a few weeks and a lot of ego stomping, but I was accepted. I realized in second year as well that the Western fags were a tight elite group, but I gave up trying to infiltrate them after the first try. They stand in a circle at the gay bar and look over their shoulders to see who is encroaching on their space.

I used to think that I was snobby bastard, which I am, but after Vancouver this summer I’m not so sure. Maybe its an East coast/West Coast thing, but I didn’t perceive so much attitude out West. Yes there are those gorgeous boys from ridiculous gene pools who make it clear that you must be of a certain aesthetic standard to get their attention, but they didn’t even seem as hostel as these queers.

On the one hand, it is all my fault. I work weekends, and the fags have all their bonding time at the bar on Saturday night. On that same hand, I hate going to that bar, it depressing - which is not to say there weren’t stints when I was there for months on end. On top of that I suppose I do contribute to the hostile relationship. But I truly think these queers are a breed of their own. And they can have it. I don’t care what anyone thinks are says, I am a well adjusted queer, whatever that means, and when I grow up I will have a gay posse too, who loves me for me, and the sad memory of being the unpopular fag will be a glimmer a nightmare a I may have once had.

dark days

So this what the internet determined I was. I am not sure just how to react. But I am sure that there is an abundance of truth behind it.

Went to this queer function last night. Shitty. Didn't know anyone. Felt like a loser. Left before midnight.

This has really been one depressing semester. The sole thing keeping me going is the vision in my head of me returning from Korea, paying out of student loan and starting a fabulous life on the west coast. fuck everything and everyone.

Somebody kill me now. And Gxxxxx, fucking straight oblivious turd. Smile, Will, this goes on.

heartbreaking work of staggering genius

You need to buy this album. I don't care what the critics say (its b-sides, not impressive) - it is a fucking beautiful album.

Videotape

When I'm at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
and he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
and i have it all here
In red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my center
When i spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
I'm talking to you after it's too late
From my videotape

No matter what happens now
You shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.

http://www.inrainbows.com/

WTF??!?!?!!?

Who is this guy?! I know I haven't posted in weeks and that I could have used this as a venue to talk a bout crappy movies (yes, I'm talking about you Michael Clayton and The Kingdom) but no. I am posting about this "straight" boy whom I am in love with that just poked me on facebook.

The facebook poke is very big deal because most people, I know at least, don't use 'poke' to get peoples attention. The only time I have ever sen it used it by random people who have somehow found you, and want to talk to you. As in they fancy you. Which is ridiculous because even if they could see my profile (which they can't) how can you judge someone for from a web profile. Come on.

But he poked me! ME!! We have had, what I thought, was this weird flirting thing going on. Then I talked to one of his long time friends who said "Gxxxxx is not gay. He's a lady's man, he loves it." While my rational side says, 'Ok, Will move along, he's cute get over it.' my emotional side says, 'No Dream Boy! Don't go! I love you!!'

And now this. WTF Gxxxxx?! Is this funny to you, because this isn't funny. I refuse to speculate anything because speculation only gets my hopes up, which will only be dashed when I say or do something stupid around him.

Oh Gxxxxx, please don't break my heart. I just don't know if I could take it.

A deep sense of Lose

Today the world seemed more empty to me than it usually does. I seem to have lost purpose, will, and determination. The truth is that I have always struggled with these qualities but some days they are harder to muster up than others.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a good writer, and it really saddens me because was a passion of mine. I thought to myself, there are lots of things that I am not good at but I at least have writing. Now that has been taken away from me by this cruel institution.

My assessment of the university experience so far is fairly bleak. I have enjoyed my time here, but on days like today I really wonder if it was worth the thirty thousand dollars plus interest it will end up costing. Time will be the ultimate judge of that.

On days like today I daydream of escaping to a beach town in some tropical country that was at one or still is a British colony, so I don't have to learn another language. Once there I would establish a relationship with local eatery and trade my services in the kitchen and in the dining in exchange for a meal a day and maybe a cot in the back. And there I would spend the rest of my days, eventually taking over the hut, never changing the menu and never dwelling on the so called life I left behind.

When I cannot picture white sand beaches and clear blue water, I am forced to decide Vancouver or Toronto, leadership program or internship, telecommunications or media content. It was just over a month ago, as I spent the last of my undergraduate summer on Vancouver's English Bay, that I thought, I can't wait to be out of school. Now I wish I had never started.

Another truth is that these are just the melancholy thoughts of an sleep deprived, overworked, underpaid fourth university student who is working every night over Thanksgiving weekend. It is hard to keep an upbeat attitude when there is little to look forward to in the near future. A few short years ago I lived by the undergraduate mantra “I'll sleep when I'm dead”. Some mornings I feel like it has fulfilled itself.

Tonight I will trudge through Victoria Park, cutting across the already dewy grass, to my bar on Richmond Row. It will be empty except for the few poor souls trapped behind the bar and the unsuspecting partons who feel trapped after paying the cover charge. Together we will be prisoners of the London Tap House, a dungeon in every sense with the added misery of flashing, spinning lights, overplayed top 40 and bar classics, and high drink prices. This self imposed punishment will repeat itself on Friday and Saturday.

Usually at the end of an entry like this I would look at the positive things in my life, reaching and pulling from every possible corner, in an effort to keep me from going under completely. This time I won't. This time I will let these dark feelings take their final bow in front of a silent audience. I will let them walk off stage thinking they have finally won. But just like Toronto musicals, this one shall close too. It might have an extended run like the Phantom of the Opera, but I think it will more like the Lord of the Rings – over hyped, and quietly cut short.

How do you like this??

Globalization causes a lot of bad things. This I know. But this ^^^^ this is awesome. I never thought the day would come when I couldn't have to calculate US exchange. Those poor poor bastards.

Anyways I'm back in shitty London. I miss Van. Just a little though. Today its raining and I couldn't imagine having to deal with 4 months of that shit. No way. No how.

I am soo over school already - I am trying to keep on top of everything but I just can't. I just want to drink and sleep and fuck and get high and not read and not to go to class and not WORK - oh not to work...

I haven't anything else to say. I have to save it all for my journals *barf*. Stupid writing - whatever. Its werid because I am so used to being able to talk about whatever I want on here and now I have to censor it and make it sound pretty. Kinda. I wrote a journal this morning that was a complete rant. I don't care though, that was my mood at the time and thats what he is going to get. I figure what I will do is just bang them out whenever I can and then befor eI hand them in I will write I donno 5 or 6 really good ones. *rolls eyes* STOP EVALUATING ME!

Big two weeks

My heart is aching. I just came back from the airport. My two loves left for Toronto after a week of fabulousness.
But since, I have been busy drinking and dancing and working in between, I have not had a chance to post about my trip to Vancouver Island. So let's start at the very beginning. Its a very good place to start (Julie Andrews)

Vancouver Island
We (me and Shawn) left for the Island on Friday night (8/17). We had a reservation for a 7 o'clock boat, but Shawn didn't get back from work until close to 6. So we had a sushi dinner and left on an 9/10 o'clock ferry (can't remember). The ferry was huge and we watched Kathy Griffin on my laptop as we sail through the black water.

We landed at Swartz Bay and drove south to Victoria. Again, we were working from a crappy map in the Vancouver gay guide. We located the one gay bar in town and parked on the edge of downtown on a residential side street. The bar was balls - super small, downstairs, crap music - but me and Shawn made the most of it. Ran into a homeless guy who did spoken work at like 3 a.m. and were shoo-ed away from outside of someone's window when I got loud talking about how much I missed Neil.

The next morning we woke up early in hopes of driving to Tofino. We had no idea it was on the far end of the island and that it would take some 5 hours to get to. Oh and it rained. Saturday it rained all day. The further we got from Victoria the harder it rained. We stopped in Nanaimo to assess the situation. The tourist info place we stopped at was right next to the grounds where they were holding the VIEX (Van. Is. Exhibition). We had pretty much written Tofino off after talking to the girl - so Shawn says, "Well, I want to see old trees." "No problem," she said. She circled on the map where we should go and another cool park to check out. [Pictures to be posted at the later date]

The rain actually let up a couple of times so our adventures weren't completely wet. Except when I stepped in the river. Balls. So that was Saturday, and since the original plan was to stay in Tofino that night, we decided that would drive back to Victoria for the night, party and then drive back to Nanaimo on Sunday and go to the fair. We should have just stayed in Nanaimo - but live and learn, I guess. The bar was even worse on Saturday (go figure) - but I ran into Katu, the coat check girl (drag queen) from 181 in London. How friggin' random.

Anyways. Woke up on Sunday and was wet and cold because it rained all night and all morning. As soon as we left Victoria though, the sky cleared and the VIEX was definitely a hit. VERY much a COUNTRY fair. They had a tractor parade. The 'agroplex' had a displays about about different B.C. fair animals and their importance to the economy. Shawn particularly liked the miniature horses and Jack Russel terrier races. We kept missing the real fun stuff like sheep sheering and goat bathing, but we definitely made the cow milking demo. [Pictures to be posted at a later date]

Around 3 in the afternoon Shawn had his fill and we slowly started to head back south to the ferry. Thank God we had a reservation. The line to get on a ferry was like 2km long. Nuts.

And then the truck broke down. I was SOOO PISSED OFF - but we were really lucky. It just stopped a couple (relatively) block from our place. It was the alternator, and cost Shawn $700.

The Girls
Monday night (8/20)went Industry Night ($3 in, $3 drinks) and got TRASHED - with Neil. I 'forgot' that I had arranged with Adam (Lauren's brother who was RANDOMLY in B.C.) to pick the girls up at the airport in Tuesday morning. So he called me at 11:30 from outside my building and had run back - half drunk.

Seeing the girls was like having a big weight taken off my shoulders. Lauren and Leanne are probably the people closest to me in my life. We don't see each other as often as we should, but the connection we have is stronger than that. We got dropped off at Lauren's friend Chantel's house where they were staying. She left us a joint and the suggestion of Toby's (a bar) for lunch. I couldn't tare myself away from the table and was like an hour late for work.

Wednesday was a perfect day. We went to a place called Bon's off Broadway for breakfast. If you are even in Vancouver's east side (Commercial Dr. Area) go. $3.00 for a full breakfast. Me and Adam had 2. We went to PNE (Pacific National Exhibition) that afternoon and had a fabulous time. Got a shave, thought the girl was gonna hack my face off. Went to see Superdogs, totally overrated. They had a street performers who were fantastic - the ones we saw at least. I believe they were called OzStar Airlines.

After the fair we went to the New Amsterdam Cafe, to smoke a J. And boy was that a great idea. SO HIGH. Then we went to dinner at White Spot. I went to White Spot once before the last time I was in Vancouver, and I really wasn't impressed. Adam had the same experience, so when we heard that that was the plan we made our opinion heard. Didn't change anything. Anyways, this time was a much better experience.

After dinner we went back to my place and had a few drinks and then went to the 'O'. Wednesday nights they have a drag show - and this was the first time that I had seen one from the beginning. It was FAB - totally awesome!! Those girls work really hard and I could never do it - or at least as good and they do. The girls got to meet Neil and everyone loved everyone. So much so that we went to Neil's after for drinks (surprise) and we all stayed over. We drank and sang until 5 a.m when we got a noise complaint. It was wonderful

I was going to take everyone to Joe's Grill for breaky, but Adam demanded a variation, so hungover and smelling of booze, we had sushi at 12:30. We went back to mine and got ready for the beach. We smoked a bowl or two and ventured down Davie. The day was perfect - hot with a slight breeze. The water was cool, but refreshing - I was the only one who went in thought. I had to work Thursday night and open on Friday.

Saturday morning (8/25)we went up to Whistler. On the way up we stopped at Brohm Lake, a small glacier lake just outside Squamish. It was serene. The water was freezing cold. Warm enough to coax you in but so cold I couldn't take full breathes. And because it was cloudy, the water was black and ominous. And me and open water don't get along.

Whistler is another world. Its called a resort village, and I had no idea what that meant until we took a stroll through the main village. That was really serene. Everything was prefect and small and chateau like. Kind of plastic. But I got over it pretty quick. The other reason its called 'resort' is because everything is resort priced. We went out for lunch and I had a $13 turkey sandwich. Yeah. But its Whistler.

We went looking a hostel - half-heartedly. I had always planned to stay in the truck, but when we couldn't find rooms anywhere, we found our digs in Lot 4 (overnight parking). There were a whole bunch of campers and RVs parked there so we didn't feel like total sketch bags. We went to the BCL and grocery store and stocked up. Chantel poured the first drink at 5:30 - I looked.

We were parked next to each other and used the mini van trunk as the bar and the truck bed as a lounge. We fit 7 people into the bed and we had to because it started to rain. This went on until about 10 when the rain let up and we went to see what the scene was like. We went to a resto/bar and got a round of drinks on the patio. One of Chantel's friends showed up and stole my girls away. "If you don't go now, you won't get in." "No, no," I said, "I work at the same bar in London." "Whatever!" She said as they went into some bar called Moe Joe's and me and the boys (Adam, Kevin and Shawn) went back to the bar and had a few more drinks.

Showed up at the Buffalo Bill at 11:45 and talked to the door guy. He knew what was going on and told me to go to 'Express' entrence. He said he could walk me in in 20 mins. So I sent Kevin into Moe Joe's to fetch the girls. Shawn, I find leaning his head on a post, so I sent him back to the car. Turns out he got lost (LOL). We get into the bar and the manager bought us a round of double shots. Leanne started to waver and Lauren decided to take her back to the car. Turns out they got lost (LMFAO). The bar was really nothing special and it was creppy because it was just like my bar in London. But whatever, danced and had a wicked time. (Total drinking time = 8 hrs)

Sunday morning, I was looking forward to a greasy McDy's breafast, but got dragged to a crepe place. It was good and not greasy but cost me $12.50. Two eggs, peameal, cheese, on a crepe. $12.50. Anyways.

Yesterday (8/27) we all went to a fabulous all you can eat Japanese place on Burrard called Shobusen. I definitely ate my $21.50 worth. And it was just good times. After we went to Chantel's for a night cap.

Of course I don't know my limit and I went to the 'O' afterwards. Neil was there, but I should have figured when he didn't call me back that he was doing his own thing - which is cool - *tear*

And that brings me back to the beginning. I have lots of work to look forward to this week. And I have to move out of my closet and onto Shawn's floor on Friday. The Irish boys are also back this weekend. And I bought my plane ticket home yesterday. It truly is a bittersweet symphony. *sigh*

The one that got away/ Mindless Self Indulgence

Last night, my imaginary boyfriend for real broke up with me. It happened at the scene of the crime, The Odyssey. I walked in the back door and saw him smoking onn the patio and I walked right past him. Play hard to get, I thought. He caught up with me in the washroom and we went and had a drink and a dance.

Then he pulls me aside and says that we need to talk. Oh shit.

"I can't get involved with someone who is leaving in two weeks," he says. " My heart can't take it."

"And don't get me wrong, I really like you. Which I why it has to be like this."

With a smile on my face I knodded. 'Big girls don't cry' plays in the background. "How appropriate," he says.

I can't fault him for it. I would have loved to have a passionate 2 week fling - but I could tell he wasn't that sort of guy.

The first question I asked him after he destroyed my world (dramatics) was, "Have you joined the facebook revolution?"
"No. I'm anti-technology. I don't even have e-mail." My heart sank further. I at least held on to the notion that we would keep in touch, but if this kid doesn't even check email... But he said " I'll get one if thats important to you." I told him it was. I don't want to... force him - but - I'll take all the interaction with him I can. Of course I'm going to give him this blog - but I doubt he'll visit. *Shrugs*

I am a big believer in 'things hjappen for a reason'. When he said, "If you were here longer, I'd be willing to give it a shot," my first thought was, 'well I haven't booked a flight.' But then I remembered I just made a $3000 tuition payment. Fucking school. But my one shining hope is that he is going back home in December. That should mean he will be off the market till then - and probably while he's there. Now anything can happen but hey read the title - mindless self indulgence. All I can do is hope and pray that we cross paths again and feel the sames things we did this past week. *Sigh*

I would post the vanity picture I took of us last night - but he deserves his privacy. And so ends the love story that was - Will & Neil.

elbows and knees

I tend to decide the name of my posts before I start writing them. It keeps me focused on what I want to talk about. This is the post that I will talk about the boys I met at Odyssey on Saturday. As I began to sign-in to write it, I had second thoughts. Why? Well, it's nothing more than a fling. I've had lots of flings that don't end up on here. But Neil is different, and I don't know why.

Well I know why, but I'm going to post anyways, sort of as an archive of this boy I knew once upon a time.

The way he danced was what first attracted me to him. He dances just like me, without a care in the world and with 100% spunk. He describes his dancing as 'all elbows and knees', which it is. 'You can't dance with me, just at me.'

So he's clever, and confident. Have I mentioned he's gorgeous? Well, he is. I am trying to put into words all the small things that make me want to stare at him all day long. His deep brown eyes, his strong jawline, his high cheek bones. He has a beautiful mouth -great kisser. I want to talk about his body details, but thats trashy, right?

He is also hilarious. He and his (lesbian) roommate are a dynamic duo. They are also uber cool. They read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun. They come up with drag names. Sometimes, I can't believe I met him. Which I why I am so shook. Which I why I am posting about him.

My subtitled msn name is ' - life is one great big tease'. Of course I have to meet somebody that is so clearly short term - that I can imagine long term. I doubt if circumstances were different things would work out. He makes a big deal about our age difference (7 years) and I am seemingly a much more sexual person than he is, and he parties harder than most people I know. But I would try my hardest to win his heart - if I had the time.

We met on Saturday night and spent Sunday and Monday together. I didn't see him last night and my world is crumbling. He needed a good night's sleep so I wasn't in hysterics or anything. But I probably won't see him until Sunday and even then its all a big maybe. Maybe our relationship was those three days and thats it. Maybe I'll never see him again. That would be a mighty shame. But I as I said to start, thats the reason for this post. To remember Neil, a magnificent, beautiful, dream of a boy, I met in Vancouver once upon a time.

My All American Experience (The Remix): Seattle

This trip was WAAAYYY better then my first. Seattle is awesome. Ok, maybe that is a little over-stated but we had an awesome time there. This will be a quick run down, no social commentary. Got through the boarder quickly and smoothly. I didn't even say a word. Driving is definitely the way to go. Rolled into town late Friday night. Got a heads up of where the 'gay' area was, but for the love of a good man, couldn't find any clubs. Me and Shawn walked around in cirlces drinking vodka and Crans out of juice bottles, until we came across of group of prancing queers (well one was prancing) and followed them to a bar called The Cuff. It was a leather/daddy/bear/jock place. But I kind of saw it as an all purpose kind of bar. They had a proper bar room with darts and pinball and porn on the TV's (p.s. my new gauge of a gay bar's gayness) then they had a separate dance floor. The music was truly shite. Could pick out one Hilary Duff (gag), a Modonna (that was far too sped up), and of of the gay anthem of Summer 2007 Umbrella (ella, ella, eh).

We totally camped out in the bed of Shawn's truck, which I was sure was illegal, but we got away with it, so there. We got a good and early start to Saturday. Had breaky a crap restaurant in the public market. Sure we had a wicked waterfront view, but the service was sooo slow and premium priced food left much to be desired. Took a dump in and brushed my teeth outside a McDonald's outside the Space Needle. Real homeless like.

Went to the Experience Music Project. So. Friggin'. Cool. It's like Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, but better (I assume). It focused mainly on popular American music, but in a very cultural sense. Who was listening to what. Who influenced who? How technology has influenced the was the create music of the past century. We were only the for two hours but could have spent the whole day. And for $15, I'd call that a pretty moderately priced tourist attraction.


Then we took a drive down to 'Pioneer Square'. Getting off the highway we pass Safeco Field, which is totally a feat of engineering. This picture doesn't do it justice.



In 'Pioneer Square' I find Utilikilts. I have wanting a kilt for long time. Not sure why. I think that they ooze with masculinity. This was the first time I have come across a practical affordable kilt. Its got pockets. It come sin demin and cotton like dickies and brushed cotton that kind of feel likes wool. Awesome. I thought $130+ wad pricey, but really its not. I am getting one. For September. It was be my 'good for you for trying new things' gift.


We left the city soon after that so that we would make it back to Van to go out that night. We stopped at an outlet mall first. To do some power shopping. 3 hours later, my credit card was maxed, I have 4 new hats (yes 4!) and a serious yearning to go back. Which I will because I have to buy my kilt.

I met a guy at the bar that night. But thats another post.

The media post

Ok I just spent like a 1/2 hour customizing my blog, but I'm back. Ah I love mornings off.

Ok so the first part of the media blog has to do with the up swing in middle east related movies that have/are coming out. Last night I went to go see A Mighty Heart, the Angelina Jolie film about Washington Post reporter Daniel Pearl who was kidnapped and beheaded in 2002 in Pakistan. The film wasn't what I expected. I was kind of in the mood for a good cry, but instead got a thick dose of reality. It was shot in a very docudrama kind of way and didn't get to develop the Daniel character or the relationship. Still a good pic.

During the previews The Kingdom stood out. An American team is sent to Iraq (I guess) to investigate bombing. Team member gets kidnapped, all hell ensues. I think it was Chris Cooper made me think it was a legit film. Also stars Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner and apparently Jeremy Piven and Jason Bateman. Weird thing about this movie is that I think it was filmed before Jennifer Garner was pregnant, which means its a few years old, but they have sitting on it for whatever reasons....

And then over at ohlala I saw the trailer for Rendition, which has a much better cast (Jake Gyllenhaal, Resse Witherspoon, Meryl Streep). Its about an Arab American who is detained by the government is some other country. Streep plays the president (I think) Witherspoon the wife and Jakie the interrogator.

My point of making these observations is because I am all about communicating. It is expected that since the west is engaged in such heavy military operations in the east that the east would invade out realm of media experience. But that worries me is how the east is being portrayed. It still exists in the 'orientalist' mindset, whereas this would be a good opportunity to Arab stories rather than Americans in Arabia ones....



Back on the 'light' side, I came across this video last night and almost died. At the club one night this weekend, this beautiful boy walked past me and I said, 'Now why can't I meet guys like that.' Totally obnoxious, but... then I saw this - WHY CAN'T I MEET GUYS LIKE THIS!!???
Warning: Penises
Hawt, Drunk Rugby players this way

My First Grown-up Pride: aka 'the grass is always greener'

This past weekend was Vancouver Pride. And let me say it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!
Where do I begin? Well first, the four musketeers. Me and Shawn, and our friends the Irish boys. We were a force to be reckoned with. It was amazing to have a crew. Of gay boys. Back home it is usually me and girls. Girls who I love, with all my heart. But Gay boys!!! Oh it was nice.

Went to Celebrities on Friday for their 'Pride Ball'. We were HAMMERED when we got there. Had a massive predrink, almost forgot to go the bar. They had a KITCHY stage show going on when were got there. We all cheered even though we had no idea who the performer was. Made out with some blonde guy. I knew at the time (kinda) and after that it was totally beer goggles, but who is to say he didn't feel the same way. I thought it was a good start to the weekend.

Saturday was weird. During the day me and Shawn went to the beach. It was packed because people were camping out for the grand finale of the 'Sponsor' Celebration of Light. My friend Steve was in town from Calgary and gave me a call. He came to see his brother, but got ditched, so we got to hang out. We ended up going to his (brother's) place and barbequeing. He had a beautiful loft. We all went down to watch the fireworks, and I held Steve in my arms and let me tell you, it was pretty much the most romantic thing ever!
Since fireworks didn't end till 10:30 we didn't get to drinking till late and we didn't make it to the bar until like 1:30. We STILL had to wait in line until 2:30. By time time they let us in the door was was ready to jump out of my skin. We paid out cover, and they made us wait! I was dying! I don't wait in lines, but pride... there's really no choice. Fucking DJ decided to start his hip hop set at like 3:40. So while the normal people hooked up and went home at a normal time, me and Shawn, (and two crazy blondes) shook our booties HARD.

Sunday was the parade. Almost missed it. I kept telling people, 'parade starts at 2'. Steven txtd me at 11 am Sunday and it says 'parade starts at 12'. I barely could open my eyes to read it. But I knew Shawn would have my balls if we missed it so, I called him and we went down. It was really nice. Not uber big, but not small by any means. Two hours long. Hot boys, community groups, everything a pride parade should have.
Sunday night we got a good predrink on and walked into the club - no line!!! Gotta love tickets. This where the whole 'grass is greener' thing comes in. To this point we had a fucking fantastic Pride, as you can read. But I kept looking over my shoulder a the prettier more popular boys and envying them, just a little bit. But I got over it really quick. This was my first grown-up pride.

update

Today is July 31st which means that I have been out in Vancouver for a little over a month. And I have nothing to show for it. Well, I just paid three months of rent. Two back home, one here. It is really frustrating to work so gad damned much and not be able to buy what I want. I drink, a lot, so I guess thats where a good chunk of my money goes, but I don't drink more here than I do at home. $20 at the bar, plus a couple of six packs here and there. I don't get it. But this will be my last week of back breaking labour. It should calm down slightly after the weekend, which I am not even working, which I am thankful for.

This weekend of Vancouver Pride, and I should really be more excited than I am. I missed Toronto and was kinda P.O. that I didn't stay for it. But only kinda. I think I am not as psyched for pride because I am not free. I am not free to buy the outfits I want. I am not free to chase after the boys I want. I am perpetually being held back.

I think I am the one that is holding me back. But I so much prefer to blame other people. My 'lover' from London is in town, and while I thought it would be good to see him and have a good fuck, he wants to be with me, and I am not all about that. Friday at Odyssey was by far the best night we have gone there. the boys were HOT, the music was AWESOME and everyone was FLIRTY. But lover was in the room so I couldn't get my dance on with the three hotties checking me and Shawn out. BALLS.

Anyways, I think I made it pretty clear that me and Shawn are doing our own thing this weekend. We will have to decide what parties we are going to tomorrow so we can buy tickets. You know my cheap ass, I hate buying things, especially expensive things, especially expensive gay things, especially expensive gay event things. But Lord knows I hate waiting in line more than all of those things. So I figure we will get tickets to two or three parties. That will be a good $200. Fuck the gay scene.

What else. I think I am also down because I have not been gymming as hard as I should be. I barely get there twice week. I blame that on working 40+ hours a week. I say 40+ only because last week I worked 42. This week was 60. The week before last was 55. This week coming up will be... just under 50. And the money? Rent. I can't imagine if I was trying to pay for school too. I guess all this hard work will seem worth is when I don't have to worry about rent in September. I guess....


My one saving grace, the beach. Me and Shawn went to Sunset Beach yesterday and had a few beers before he went get this chest waxed and I went to work. We sat there just enjoying the sun the breeze, the mountains. I said to him, "I can really see myself living out here." I really could.

Ok I gotta go. Make the most of the afternoon... before more work. AGH! Cheers

Passion

So, there is this commercial on TV and I am going to try and embed it in this post so that you can see it. This commerical is pure marketing geneius. Its patriotic, it builds heros out of everyday guys and most importantly the product takes a huge backseat to the passion that is hockey.



Watching it makes me want to learn how to skate. again. It doesn't help that the boys are hott. *drools* I have decided that I won't settle for anything less than a 6'+ hockey/rugby player. Reach for the stars Will.



P.S. I talked about Qwerty (Queerity) in my last post. then I was blog surfing and found out that I totally stole it from a blog called Queerty. Ok I may not have stole it because I actually got it from Engadget. You know qwerty - like keyboards.

My All American Experience

I took a day trip down to Bellingham/Burlington, Washington yesterday and would like to share the experience with you. The story begins on Friday night, when after a nice long day at work my friend Muffty and I went out for Double-Fisted Fridays at Vera's on Davie. 2 'pints' for $6. You really can't go wrong. We stay there for a couple of rounds and decided that we would have to go the gay bar.

Now we had done Celebrities on Tuesday night, their 'straight' night, $5 cover and $3 drinks. The scene, really wasn't me, very clubby, too straight. On Davie (Vancity's 'village') there is the Pumpjack, the 'leather' bar, Celebrities, Oasis, 1181 (both loungey), Numbers and Odyssey. Numbers is a smaller place, and tends to draw an older crowd, from what I have seen so it was off to Odyssey. The place is perfect. Big and open but not too big, not too fancy, but nice. It was also packed on Friday night.

Now after a good hour of dancing they called last call (3 a.m. in Van) and we kept on dancing. Haven't had a good dance in a long time. A boy leans in out of nowhere and yells, "You're an awesome dancer!" Now I have a weakness for flattery, so I chatted with this boy who was tall and slim, but athletic. When he told me he was from Washington state, his rating got a little higher. When he started talking about what he was doing in school (pyshc/public health) it went up even further.

He and his friend and Muffty and I stood outside the club afterwards idly talking for far too long and he mentioned that his hometown pride was on Sunday and that if I had the chance I should come down. I happened to have Sunday off so I decided late Saturday night I would go.

Sunday Morning
Things started to look ify, when my bus left 5 minutes early. Having run to busses mere minutes before their departure, I was shocked by the bus driver's disregard for schedules.
We get to the border and border guard was a complete bitch. Now after some contemplation, I realized that no, she wasn't a bitch, but the training program that she had gone through had turned her into one. The questions, the responses. "Its a privilege to come into this country." I felt like saying "that remains to be seen." I understand, I do that, as she pointed out, the border is serious matter. But getting a passport is not easy, and they make it hard for a reason, so that people who are allowed to travel can, with ease. I would not classify that experience as easy. Its safe to say that when I go to Seattle it will be via ferry and hope that the experience is more pleasant.

We roll into Bellingham, and find that my phone doesn't work (stupid Telus, its 20 minutes from the border!). Not only that but my quarters don't work in the pay phones!!! The nice girl in the coffee shop let me borrow her phone to call the boy. An hour later he comes and picks me up. Fine. Traveling is not always easy, I know, so moving on.

American Eyes
We get to pride festival and its small. Thats cool. Its a small town. According to the boy, its the biggest pride yet, they are making leaps and bounds. He goes off to talk to a very good looking boy, man actually, but he's short and dresses young. After he decided to introduce me, I cannot help but notice his intense eyes. They are open extra wide, listening intently to all that is going on. The boy, here after known as TW, had the same expression the Friday night. TW goes on to tell me, just barely out of earshot of the man, that he has just come out of a 3 year relationship and he is concerned that he will start drinking again and he is trying to council him into GayAA.

My problem with AA or at least how they (seem) to treat AA in the US is that they breed and addict culture. Automatically you are an alcoholic, you are broken , you need to be fixed. I am an advocate of moderation, and while I understand some people can't be moderate, AA (seems) to claim that there is no such thing as moderate. "Its been ____ since my last drink." TW was proud of the fact that he had 'never finished a drink in his life.' Good for you, I've finished many and I'm doing fine thank you very much. 'Because I'm an athlete' he'd follow up. Oh yeah, Western's Champion Rugby teams gets blasted all the time, you wanna tell them they're bad athletes?

Anyways, the man was going through a rough time in his life, and I just couldn't imagine AA making things better. His eyes screamed of the pain he was feeling, his face was the happy facade. TW's eyes may not have been screaming pain, but they were screaming nonetheless.

Politics
TW pushed his politics every instance that he could. He was the type of person who refused to accept silence. For what reason I don't know, but even when he wasn't repeating himself he would fall into these fits of uncomfortable, annoying, gasp-y, laughter, that after an hour was noticeable, and after a day unbearable. He was also... a man-hater. There has got to be a term for it, and I will ask around.
We got in an argument over the use of the word 'bitch', followed by an argument over the use of the word fag. While I held fast that they were just words and that the word only had power when people chose to give it to them, he countered that the words were violent. "Kids kill themselves over it." he clamored. "Yeah but I didn't, and you didn't." I countered. Somehow, I don't know how, but I didn't question it, I managed to play my 'multiple minority' card and had him feeling bad about his privileged position in society.
The one good thing, I think, that I took away from my ordeal with TW was confronting my qwerty (queer-it-y, the way I say it). He made me think about the people who have come before me, who did have to deal with violent homophobia. And while I recognize that the struggle must continue, I don't see it as a battle to be won in on daily basis. "Ignorance will persist," I said to him, "and strength in built through adversity." Yes Faggot is a hateful word, but as minority, we are going to be called it. The answer is not to go on a rampage and start a war on language, the way I see it, it is to stop and think, am I going to give that word the power is seeks, or am I am going to confront the truth of the statement and seek the deeper reason for the hate. Hate is usually based on ignorance, so reasoning with ignorance is like trying to mix oil and water.

TW not only had an interview this morning for a job he presumed he was going to get, but knew that my bus was at 9:15 this morning and still didn't get out of bed until 8:20, took a 30 minute shower and got me there with like 5 minutes to spare. I think its safe to say that that was my first and last trip to Bellingham Washington. If I run into TW again, I will be cordial and friendly, but *shudder*, I kind of hope that that was the end of my all American Experience.

P.S. Crossed the border twice with drugs. Tax dollars hard at work.

I just don't know...

Where do I begin?

Note to self: no more free drugs. They're free - but its not worth it.
The story that is connected to that isn't all that horrible. I had a good time, sorta, but just a general rule, its never a good scene.

Next: I am not going to Calgary anymore *thumbs WAY down*
My credit card debt won't support it, and I wasn't looking forward to taking the 17 hour bus ride, so I'm not going. Maybe next year I will try and organize a group of people and go and get fuct up.

I lost my friggin' debt card. BALLS! But I finally got my money back from the bank and can start to pay back some of my debt.

The song that would best encapsulate today would be Monica's first single from back in .. (googling...[wikipedia actually]) 1995 (wow) ''Don't take it personal (Just one of dem days)''.
I wish Napster was still around so I download it. I'll google it anyways.

quick post

everything is right with the world at this moment.


thats all

an update

So, an update for everyone who gives a whoot. I got a job. Flippin burgers at Vera's right by the beach. pays like $9/hr, but I can get as many hours as I want. Right now they are giving me like 35/40, I'm sure I could push it if I wanted. I am still debating weather or not to try the bars. The place that I found is right in the 'club district' so...

I am going to start moving my stuff to my new place as soon as I finish this post. Cameron the guy I'll be moving in with says there a whole bunch of wireless signals I can steal. I hope my laptop can pick them up. I am pretty sure that I am going to the Calgary Stampede.

I am pretty psyched for it, but I REALLY am not looking forward to the 16 hours bus ride. Its fucking brutal. The scenery is gorgeous, but the ride is *shakes head*. But for cowboys... I'll do it. Oh and the Hip.

Coffee and Jazz

Kevin took me to Capilano park yesterday in North Vancouver. The park is at the base of Grouse mountain. There is a river dam and wooded valley, minutes from the city. Minutes.

Today after breakfest, I was having a smoke outside the bakery and the wonderful sounds of band called Uncommon Gold drew my from perch to the grassy square just up the road. This week is the Vancouver Jazz Fest, and though I am not a huge jazz fan, this band was awesome. They were a four piece of musicians, that were just fantastic. I think it was the lap steel that really made it.

I kind of just wanted to remind myself why I came out here. Its different. I really do love it out here. I will meet people in time. I will see my friends again. Think about the money. Got a job by the way. 40 hours a week at Vera's right on the beach. How could that be bad?

From out West

Ok, I'm here. It's been 3 days. I found a place yesterday. Still no job. But thats my own fault. I just don't want to work. I'm going to get on it today. At least for a day job. I have to hit the bars at night and guess I still haven't worked up the courage. But I am going to hit the restaurants after lunch. Which is soon. I was also held up by money, and I got some today, so...

Oh Vancouver. The place is awesome, but I miss home. Not home itself, just the thought of my place, my things, my friends. I have no one here really. There's Kevin who is awesome, but he lives in North Van, and has his own life. Parents are still a big part of that, but I guess when you live at home... The place I found is a fucking closet. Like an actual storage closet in this guy's shoebox condo. Thats not a condo... I don't know. But its a closet. A $475 dollar closet. *shakes head* What am I doing?

I figure I will be able to a get a good bar job which should pay like $350 in tips a month. Plus pay. Plus If I get a restaurant job for during the day. I will be able to eat at work...

I went for a run along the waterfront, Wednesday. It was awesome. The people here are beautiful, the scenery here is breathtaking. So for as much as it isn't perfect, it is exactly what I wanted. Something different, new and interesting. I need to try and find a place to stay for relatively free next week. I can't move in until the 1st. I can't really stay at the hostel for a full week or least not this hostel. $25 a night is cheap but not cheap enough.

The weed here is dicriculous. Like fuct. Smoked two joints and just STONED... Met a really cool guy. Not gonna detail it, but he was really really cool. He had a pocket dog - a Chiwawa named Nemo.



This why I need a camera...

Smarter than I think

So I booked my flight. Thats right I'm going to Vancouver. I have to go. I hate my life.

I don't hate my life, but today was a really long day of work, and its not the work, its just the... everything. I was working to 'reception tent' at the convocations for the university. Today was the kin students. Oh my god. Why was I left out of that gene pool and how do I get in?

These boys are awesome, just specimens. It sucked because of of them were gym crushes that I've had, and to know that they won't be sweating next to me in September is depressing.

Besides that though, just the whole thing of people moving forward while I (literally) stay in the same place. Thats why I'm going to Vancouver. And however scared I am everytime I think about it, I am equally happy that I'm going. This trip is exactly what I needed. I'm glad I made the decision. I'm smarter than I think.

Another depressing thing about today were the number of GOREOUS asses leaving Western today. Kin boys in gym shorts - hot. Kin boys in their Sunday best -HAWT. I do not have an ass, which is probably why I envy and lust boys that do. But I saw taut seems. Just BAM. Here is nice one I recently picked up.


Oh - and I LOVE the new RIHANNA!! I had only hard a bit of the song and seen glimpses of her new stuff, but I heard the whole song on the weekend and just checked out the video. Fucking 10. http://www.defjam.com/site/artist_av.php?artist_id=586

Ugly Betty

I've said it before and I will say it again. Ugly Betty is a great show. If you not had a chance to catch it, here.

quick post

Ok, so for those of you who don't know I'm a porn junkie. Get over it.

Anyways, I found this guy and saved him under the file name 'god'.

Too much? - What do you think?



p.s. yes I lifted the image, the only reason I'm not linking it because I'm afraid you'll go... msg me

I [heart] the Internet

I had to go to stupid Wal-Mart yesterday, to get some workboots. I hate going to Wal-Mart, but for stuff like that, $60 is too good to pass up. Wal-Mart 1 bajillion +1 - the little guy 0.

Anyways, while I was at the mall, I tried my hardest not to buy other stuff. Yeah right. But I am proud of myself, kept it on the clearance rack, $50 for two pairs of pants and a t-. I think I might take back pair of jeans and the t- though. They only fit ok, and I can't afford to be buying just 'ok' clothes.

Anyways so as I did my deciding today, I thought who is this American Eagle company and where did they come from. Me being me, I wikipedia'd it. The article told me what I wanted to know, I guess. They are #2 in their market, which I was surprised to find was in against Old Navy, rather than A&F.

The article used the word 'Preppy' to describe the style. Preppy had an article so I read that where I fond the link to FrattingHard.com

Wow - thats dedication. Like omg. I wish I could produce something of that caliber. But really - Fratting? Wow.

Anyways, I [heart] the Internet.

I also love: Feist, CBC Radio, Eau de Douche, and these condoms:


What are great idea! Aloe

ok, so I have a type...

The guy on the left, his is name Matt Czuchry. He was the love interest of Roriee Gilmore, on the Gilmore Girls for the past few seasons.

I Google (image)'d him and found this one.



Now I liked Matt because: hes blonde, I like his squinty eyes, and of course his straight teeth.

But then I saw the guy on the right. Who is that?! Like he is at least 8 - 10x hotter.

But I thought I had a thing for blondes?

Angles. Beauty is a game of genes and angles. the brow, the cheek bones, the jaw. Mr. Right has ever so slightly tighter angles. Or is that just me?

Anyways if anyone knows who the guy on the right is holler at me, just for curiosity's sake.

Link to: TV makes you stupid
(Its a blog by someone who is obsessed with TV - its postmodern)

according to Channel 4 ...

update

Just gonna throw this out there - if there are people who check this - I appologize for slagging off the past few weeks. I haven't been doing anything really, just kinda getting into the grove of summer.

I am kind of glad that I haven't been on here regularly, playing out the mirco drama of my life. Suffice to say, I don't trust bisexuals, I hate my job and I love carbs.

Yeah that pledge thing - ppffbb. Now I am trying to keep up on getting in shape. I started taking whey protein FINALLY. That was a stupid story. Bought it at a silent auction I was working at. But I have it, I'm taking it. I love it.

What else - I want to bitch about - I don't even know how to phrase it. Long and Short: Crush on a guy at work. He calls me a fag. I confront him. We're friends. He comes out to me - as bi(curious?). He won't talk to me outside work. He pukes on me. He talks out of his ass. But you know what? Fuck him. Hard :s lol!!

Right oh, Cherio.

the pledge

I spent the day sitting at my computer working on my FINAL assignment of 3rd year. Got it done around 6. Decided to go for a run because I skipped the gym yesterday.

On my way to the bathroom to shower, I caught myself in the mirror. I have lost my figure. I actually did a double take. WTF?!

I know exactly what happened. I got lazy. I stopped going to gym after Cuba, pretty much. I started eating like shit. I ate out a lot, laziness. I ate a lot of carbs, but I say that I do that because it makes me feel good. I went out for a Froster and a bag of cheeies at midnight last night. Why? Why not? has been my response for the past 2 months.

But the summer is on its way. And when I saw those hips, I couldn't believe my eyes. So, I have been contemplating no carbs for a while, and I guess there is no time better than the present. So May 1st - Will goes no carbs. I may also try and quite smoking and just make it hell month. We'll see.

The run I went on today was great. I could try and focus on that. Bah.

Saturday Afternoon

It's 2:30, and I've been up for about an hour. I have a huge flash website that I need to start today. I was cruising around the internet and came across this post at DTB.

After Viringa Tech this week, I came to the conclusion that the US has fully and completely become a hyperreal state. I was just getting off work I believe when I saw the TVs in the University Community Centre displaying the news out of VT, and I stopped for about 30 seconds to hear the headline and kept on walking. 33 dead, a 2 hour interval between shootings, and flashes of Columbine. I'd seen it before.

So for as large as a tragedy as that incident was, I didn't shed a tear for almost two days, when I was watching the 6 o'clock CBC news hoping to find out what was going in my world, to find that apparently nothing happened in my world that wasn't related to the shooting.

Me and some friends of mine are currently in the process of trying to get a conscious publication off the ground for September. We consider ourselves very enlightened individuals and one of the reasons that we want to start this magazine is so that we can have intelligent conversations with a larger portion of our peer group. I had one with my roommate the other day about about how Canada's liberal party is creating a big mess for itself but making alliances left, green and everywhere. But even that conversation starting to draw in big media punditry and started to lose substance quickly.

Anyways, how do these things relate? I am a media savvy, conscious individual in my liberal minded Canadian haven. I can't imagine who I might be if I lived in the US. I am only turned onto the evils of the organized world about half the time as it is, and thats partly because I don't run into it at every turn. South of the boarder though, I can't fathom how torturous it must to be to see it everywhere. I posted DTB's post because I saw it and said 'who cares' - the exact motherfucking attitude that I am trying to combat in my peer group.

I will continue to blame commercial culture for the way that we are. I found a fucking fantastic public sphere show on TVO call the Agenda. Its an hour show that deals with political topics and includes a great feedback section. This is the television everyone should be watching. Except the only reason I came across it is because I don't have cable.

I am going to read that post and file yet another reason why I'm afraid, in awe, perplexed, disgusted, fascinated with the the US. I am going to read the comments to see what the DTBs readers think. I am going to battle the who care attitude until I begin to see it picked up by everyone.

*side note* great idea for a book - a post modern tragedy where the main character's life spirals away from him through a series of hyperreal events

what it feels like for a girl

This is my attempt at a quick blog. I'm just about to eat dinner and go out for a couple of beers with a buddy of mine I haven't seen in a while.
And I'm standing in the kitchen thinking, "Fuck! I don't want to have sex with ___." This is the short guy that I have hooked up with a couple of times over the past few months. He was the guy I saw right after I got back from Cuba. We are going to same bar tonite, seperatly.
Anyways hes moving to Montreal and he wants to see me again before he goes. I have been trying to avoid it but hes leaves next week. And it is the civil thing to do. Theres really no reason for me not too - except - its too easy. It came to me in a stream on consciousness, I don't want a guy who loves to suck my cock or be my bottom. I want someone who calls me fat and fucks me hard. Someone I have work for their approval.
What is wrong with me? And then it hit me.
This is what it must feel like to be a girl.

Summer's here by the by, so I will have time more prolific blog.
My mircowave is beeping at.

never good enough

Oh where to start, where to start...

I was going to make this post about the only semi-eventful thing that has happened to me in the past little bit, and wait till you here what it is.

But then I stopped and thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would have been a boring post since, truth be told, its a pretty sad state of affairs.

The story starts on Saturday night. My Toronto Maple Leafs had just beaten Montreal in the last game of the regular season. We were in 9th going in and with that win we knocked out Montreal for a (temporary) playoff spot. I was in high spirits and as me and my mates headed out for the night things were good. We started the night at a Richmond St. condo, finishing our predrinking and shooting the shit. Soon enough we left for the Ceeps, a legendary London watering hole. Straight bar with wood everywhere, I had planned to stay till about 12:30 and go to the gay bar. My usual course of action. This night however I had two girls in tow.

We get to 181, and I am still feeling good. The place had a pretty decent size crowd. I get out on the dance floor with the girls, and I'm getting into my groove. This gorgeous boy dances past me and we have a short exchange. He was commenting on my blue and white TML santa hat. The leafs are one of the few things about Toronto that I will defend nowadays so I didn't care that my hat was one Christian holiday late.

I keep dancing, and realize, WAIT one GODDAMN minute. A hot boy stopped to talk to ME?! I couldn't let something like that just go by the wayside. He was just my type too. Red head, slim, but with mass, close fitting clothes, but not tight. I excused myself to the bathroom and gave his ass a good squeeze on the way by.

On my way back I see the boy dancing on a speaker. I wait for him to see me. I extend me hand, "Can I dance with you?" I overly annunciate, hoping he reads lips. He takes my hand and pulls. And I lose my footing. I was up in half a second, and luckily I was drunk so there was some excuse for my clumsiness. Smiling extra wide at him, he leans in and goes, "I'm (either) not totally/not actually gay." And it was as quick as a reflex. I put hands on his torso just under his arms and ran them down just past his waist. "Well," I said, "thats what you get." And with that I was off, back to my friends.

Meanwhile, I believe, my ex was keeping an eye on me. I believe, because I keep my eye on him at the bar. Who knows why, but we do, so whatever. He is chillin' with my peeps. Dancing, dancing, dancing. A new boy is talking to me. Two boys in one night, I am a fucking star. He makes another Leafs/santa hat comment and I give my reasons. Chris, he says extending a hand. He dances away and my ego has a raging hard-on. Or did I have one?

Anyways, this is all at about last call and I hate, hate, HATE to be in a bar past last call. Chris is still on the other side of the room, but my pride (and general sensibility) tells me not pursue him. So its me and J. And we're dancing a little closer, a little closer. I knew what was happening. He knew what was happening. "Wanna come over and have sex?" He asks to make sure. "Yeah, sure." I reply.

Sex was ok. Probably some of our better, but overall I'd have to say median. He drove me home Sunday afternoon. And thats when the blogging nag started to hit me. I held off until today though. Partly because I'm a lazy bastard. Partly because I wanted to figure out what I wanted to say.

The point of this story was to explore the ideas of greener grass and settling. The grass, they say, is greener on the side. Did I settle when I went home with J? My brief encounters should have told me I was better than that. Or was I being realistic and taking what I can get? I'm 21 and year away from the beginning of my sexual decline. This should be the best sex of my life. But its a once a month, hit or miss affair. What am I doing wrong? I wasn't good enough for bi guy or Chris, J wasn't good enough for me. sex isn't good enough. My prudence isn't good enough. Its just never good enough.

And maybe thats just what I needed to take from that. It's never good enough, so appreciate what I get.

...

Another reason I held off on this post was because after J dropped me off, I turned on my computer and my email has a message from Steven. Steven is a guy that I hooked up with when I was in Calgary. He was inviting me to join him in Montreal in July for the Just for Laughs and Jazz fest which are during the same week this year.

He was MSN and we chatted for a bit. I think I'm going. But we'll see....

deeper and deeper

This funk has not really ended yet. I am still not very motivated to do anything. I applied for the editor position of my faculties publication the MIT'Zine. I was the front runner, the most qualified. And of course didn't get it.
And because I haven't been going to gym regularly, I am getting man boobs. Not hot at all. However I am hoping that I get this job at campus rec. which means I will be at the gym all the time, which is totally a dream.
I had hoped to get a lot more out of this post. But it seems I don't have motivation for this either. No one reads it. It doesn't make me feel better like it used to. I need to find a new drug.

It is this fragmented world, that has me this way I think. I can't get anything done, because I only see a small part of my life at a time. I only see until tomorrow. I don't care beyond that. And that is the problem with our society as a whole. But how do you change an entire world's organizational technique.

I am trying to write this article about green products and the reasons that they are not the standard. The reasont hey are not the stardard is because people are disconnected from the earth. They throw their garbage into a can, leave it on a curb and then it disappears. Because they don't see the gross amount of garbage they produce they also have no idea of the time it will take that garbage to decompose. It will decompose, but not tomorrow or in a year. It will be generations. If people knew this, could see this then the world would be a much different place. All products would be green. People would not choose plastic over paper. EVER. I recycle as much as I possibly can. But there are a large number of products that are seemingly essential that are uber harmful to the earth.

And here I sit blogging about it.

I have always followed the philosophy of doing your part. Well I'm doing my part, what about everyone else. Who are these fuckers? Why won't they change their ways? Why won't the government do anything? why do people hate the government? Why aren't people political?

I was at my catering job last night and one of my managers was complaining about the food services staff at one of the affiliated colleges who are on strike and blocking the parking lot enternces. She said she didn't sign their petition because she doesn't like to attach her name to things. She said that she fully understood the position of the strikers. She works for the same people essentially. But she still wouldn't sign. She wouldn't call the school administration to voice her concern. WTF?

We are going to hell because of post modernism. Capitalism I hope you're happy. Fucker.

whats the word... validated

Its sad when I put it out there like this, but last night I hooked up with my elusive blonde fuck buddy, and it was fucking awesome. This is the kid who I chase pretty hard (for me) on msn all the time and he's either just brushes me off or explains why we can't meet. Lately he's been msging me, but I've just closed them because I can't deal witht he the tease.

Last night however, after spending the entire evening shmusing, I got home and the little box from him was flashing on my desktop. I hit him with a whats up, and he said he was thinking about smoking a joint and then going to bed. I said I was thinking about the same thing, and cock.

"Cock?" he said. "Whose cock?" "No one in particular." I replyed. "Just cock." Pause on both ends. "So you wanna smoke then?" I ask. "Sure."

So I go over. He lives across the motherfuckign street from me. Literally a 2 minute walk. Dangerous Minds was on TV. We smoked the joint. It was huge and awesome. We had to put it out. The last few times we've done this (which hasn't been for MONTHS mind you) we sit on the edge of his bed and my hand slowy creeps up his side and we move closer and we kiss and then get down to it. Last night, he outted the joint and just went for it. I was like - well then. It was nice. I'm smiling right now.

The best thing about Cameron - big cock. He's my dream boy, except he's skinny. But even then, thats not really a negative. And the orgasim. 10+. And thats the worst thing about Cameron. We first hooked up... in the summer? So like 7 months ago, and we've only hooked up like a handful of times. I guess he used to have a boyfriend so... but like everytime we see each other its a longer intervel than the time before. But everytime, the sex is better.

*SIGH* I'm glad I got it last night though. I really needed. I had actually begun counting how long it had been. March 2nd - March 22 so like weeks. I've definately gone longer, but I was beginning to itch. I honestly feel a whole lot better.

Ok enough on that.

I remember that I had tried to make this blog something of value, so here are my links for the past couple months.

Want to feel inspired by the power of the internet, individual creativity and the wonderful world of science: http://www.makezine.com Something new everyday. You might even find a project you want to try.

Tired of crappy corporate radio? Internet radio is my new heaven. It saves my downloading, theres no commericals and its free. I was all over Yahoo! Music's LaunchCast Radio, but they have been screwing around with the channels that I like.
My roommate read about Slacker on some tech website. It is basically the same thing as the Yahoo service, except, this summer they are going to be launching a WIFI, satellite radio capable music player. The was it was explained to me, when you get up in the morning, you turn it on and connect it and its syncs up all the music for they day. Depending on which service package you sign up for, you can skip songs. I like the idea, and I like the mix of music that they offer. Check it out.

its not fair

its not fucking fair! I'm 21 years old and I'm loosing a tooth like a fucking 8 year old! what the fuck is going on!??!
This is the worst thing that happened to me since, I don't know when. I am sitting here eating a bagel and I feel this familiar feeling in my mouth. And I thought it felt loose a day or two ago, but now I'm pretty sure that its coming out. I have spent the last little bit googling solutions and they all suck. Loosing a tooth sucks. And I have no one to turn too. I talked to my best friend about it the other night. But I need someone to tell me that I'm going to be all right. I don't. I am all alone.
I am trying to get some tears about but nothing will come. I need someone to hold me. I keeping thinking "Mommy" but that bitch is the worst and there is no way I am telling her anything. I am, at this moment more than any in recent memory, an orphan. Yes my parents aren't actully dead, but I've been abandoned. One literally, the other lost her mind and can no longer think beyond her own crazy desires. That leaves me and this blog. How sad is that.

blogging at work

I think I may be out of my funk. I woke up this morning, and didn't feel like a sac of shit. I was slightly motivated to get to school and get work done. I have a fairly busy week coming up and I opened my agenda for the first time in two weeks today.

I think that as I get into the swing of work I sort of gain momentum. I skipped work on Friday, to sleep, so today I came in to a pile of emails to write. I got those off with enough time to get a blog in. I have to leave here and go and finish my Zine Editor application, and then I have a Campus Rec interview (I really hope I get it). Then I have class till 10 and then I gotta go home and get my shit in order. I totally fucking wasted this whole weekend. At the time it seemed reasonable, but I really need to get on top of my shit. I need to figure out my finances (fucking debt) to see if I actually can go to NYC before May.

I have a gum infection to top it all off. I am dredding going to see a dentist, but I really really need to. How fucking embarassing though. I was thinking yesterday about cruising/calling up my booty call, but just the thought of my sore gums rubbing up against cock, makes me shudder. Gum disease - That would happen to me.

I also found out that I got an interview for an IBM internship that I don't even want.

*I just lost part of my blog b/c the touch pad on this laptopFUCKING SUCKS*

So with that I am going to quit while I'm ahead. Fuck off you fucking piece of shit

Getting back on the horse

It has been a really tough two weeks. Since I got back from Cuba I have been dealing with this weird crisis of faith. I think I talked about it in my last post. I am/was just so tried of the fucking grind that is my life. It seems that I am always doing something and that when I'm not doing something I'm losing time for stuff that I should be doing. But I think I have been putting too much pressure on myself.

The other thing thats been bothering me is this whole 'pressure on myself' business. I have no one to tell me that I am being crazy or that my hard work will pay off. I have to tell myself all of these things and I guess myself just got sick of motiving myself, and thats where I found myself last week. But over the past few days, I have come to the realization that I can only do so much. I have resolved to try my hardest, but if I fall short of my goals, I just need to learn from the experience and move on.

Right?

From fag hags to this empty blog, I seek validation and comfort that I am a well adjusted young man. But it doesn't seem to be coming. Why? Went to the MIT formal last night. My ex was there with his new boyfriend. It was gross. They slobbered all over each other all night. I got a couple comments from people who were completely detached ("Who are those gross people making out on the dance floor?") And as vindicating as that was for me, I thought, that used to be us being slutty. *SIGH*

I guess this is as good a time as any to go into my perfect man. He is tall and handsome and is like me in every way, but also different in all the right ways. He is ripped, shoulders, back and chest. He has a small waist and a big butt, the kind that hold up pants. Hes just an awesome smile and uses it a lot. He is kind and thoughtful and loves me for me and I love him for loving me.

My dream guy exists, because I've seen him on xtube. He is between 19-21 and knows how to use a dildo. He's got shame, but his hot body is too hot not to be shared with the world. He is my dream boy and one day I will meet him.

One day. Until then... I'll jerk off.

I thought I did this already

21 and 1 day old, and I am in the dumps. I was running on a bit of a drain when I got back from Cuba on Friday. I wasn't ready to come back and get back into the grind. As much as I knew that it was only a month until this semester will be over, I just didn't want to. The weekend passed and Monday was my birthday as well as a near 12 hour day on campus. I came home to an empty house, roommates gone to play poker. My best friend gave me the cold shoulder the whole night and I just couldn't figure out why, except for that fact that he is an inconsiderate bastard.

Today I ran into the internship co ordinator for my program who told me to apply for an internship in Toronto. I - don't know how to articulate just how I am feeling, but just was I was getting into the swing of what this program is all about, I am thrust back into the business world.

I am more than likely over reacting but I don't know what to do. Or I know what I have to do, but I just don't want to do it. I have to apply for this internship, I have to go forward with Katie's project, I have write all my papers and I have to go to work.

And the gym. My fuck buddy told me that he could see my muscle mass diminishing. I was glad that he said something so I know, but WTF? I skipped the gym today because I ran into a friend of mine who I don't see very often. We talked over our issues and I felt a lot better, but just not up to going to gym. I really wish that I had.

I think that I am going to 'train' for the Western bi-athlon. Its called a 'splash and dash' 500m swim, 5km run. Nothing too much. but I'm going to do it so at least I have one race. 'Race'.

I have to figure out this motivation problem because it's hit me like a ton of bricks. My girls are coming up from Toronto to party for my birthday on Friday. I am sure that it should be a good thing for me, but it might just make things worse. Whatever it will be a fun night nonetheless.


I also wanted to write a review of the resort that we went to in Cuba, but I just don't want to. I don't want to over analysis the experience. I had an awesome time, great memories, totally worth the money. That all that really needs to be said. And I'll post a picture or two, just to make the post semi-interesting. This was one of those masturbatory/therapeutic posts...

Future topics: My dream boy, Trent Reznor and NIN, and something random.