The Ugly Side of Cruising

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Life on Hold

I had a great post good to go for today, called the Ugly side of Cruising, but its trapped on my work computer. I don't know what the issue is with getting me on the net, but they haven't figured it out yet.

This event seems to be mirroring the general theme of my life over the past week. As you may or may not know I leave for Cuba on Friday: T-minus 3 days (not counting today). Last week was my 'hell' week. Exam, project, presentation. I spent most my time cramming and so I missed the gym. Also because I was spending so much time on campus, I ate like crap. I had been cruising the bodybuilding.com website, and found 'bodyspace', a myspace-esque profile where you cronicle your progress in the body modification process. The homepage has the apt slogan, 'Strength in numbers'.

Now this will end up being the biggest farce I have been a apart of since I joined 'Let's make a deal' (a 'quit smoking' program at Western) last year. Nonetheless, I said to myself, when I get back from Cuba I'll sign up. I'll start buying protein, working out more diligently, keeping track, etc, etc, etc. ... when I get back from Cuba.

When I was working this weekend, which was as bad as its been almost ever, I motivated myself through the shift with the comfort of knowing once those gruwling 10 hours were done, I'd be free from the dungeon - at least for a week.

I have had a problem in my past of inflating my expectation and then being completely deflated when they don't meterialize. For that reason, I have been writing off this trip. It probably won't be that good, I tell myself whenever dreams of sun and sand enter my brain. But I think I may have fucked myself.

I have put so much pressure on the trip being mediocore, I am starting to wonder if it was worth the $1106. I haven't even gone! What is wrong with me?! I am also scared that once I go, it will rush by and I will be back to the hell that is this life too quickly. I am already worring about stuff that is due in March. And as these thoughts terrorize me, I have to continually push them away and deal with the shit at hand. Paying my phone bill and rent, making sure I have applied for all the summer jobs whose applications closing soon, maintaining the multiple oh so vital work relationships I have. Oh and school.

*Sigh*

Update: My submission for the Edge Youtube challange never got completed. Dispite the lighting and battery issues, we managaed the shoot 90% of it in one day, last Saturday. When I went to edit it on Sunday, I found that because my computer is not designed to handle multimedia applications, the latter part of the video is a jumble of stlited video and unsync'd audio. I even tried to edit it on at the Mac lab on campus, but it just wasn't meant to be. The video that did win was awesome though. Let me see if I can find it.

Stay Tuned: Finally gonna start shit disturbing the MITSC. - A.P. if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem

bad mood

I was up until 3 a.m. making flash project, that nearly killed me. I'm lying, it wasn't that bad, but it took like 3 hours.

I came to the class, which is on the far end of town, in shitty weather, expecting to hand it in and leave. I checked with the prof though, just before I left.

"Are you lecturing today or is it just the assignment?"
"No, no. I'm lecturing."

Fucking crushed. I had planned to go the bank, and get chinese for dinner and bask in the feeling of feeling ahead of the game. As I sit here, dying, I'm watching people putting their finishing touches on their projects. And they look fucking fantastic. I feel like a douche.

I have never beena very artistic person, and I do believe that design requires a certain amount of ... fuck I can't even think of the word. I just want to go to bed and sleep for a year. I'm so tired.

But I've got shit to do when I get home. I've got a presentation tomorrow. And then I have to start of the stuff for next week.

9 days till Cuba

My first brown crush

Where to start where to start. I know I had said that planning my blogs was going to be the way that I raised their quality, but you sometimes things just happen that are more interesting. Well relatively.

My planned blog topics, or just stuff that I've wanted to touch on yet that I haven't include, my inability and insatiable desire for muscle. Would have been good for visuals. Also there is my white issues. Stuff like how I don't see myself as brown and I am so white, culturally, what is my heritage? That would go into really weird political and sexual areas, and I would probably go crazy writing it.

My first brown crush however kind of ties into that. I have always been attracted to white guys exclusively for a long time now. Even when I lived in India, I always kept my eye on the European boys. Today however, over an English muffin and a mug of tea, I heart fluttered when I caught my first glimpse of Zaib Shaikh as Amaar Rashid on the CBC comdey Litte Mosque on the Prairie.

The show deals very frankly with muslins in the West, touching on everything from the hopes of modernization to the struggle to hold on to tradition. The story is told from a omniscient point of view so we get to see the town bigots, the older muslin communities reaction to the new Imam from Toronto, a progressive and the show's lead.

Zaib's handsome face and seeming detachment from the world's expectations of him (at least this is Amaar's approach to the world), I think are what make me hot for him. Also that fact that he is a leading minority character. I love success, its sexy in same way that Brady and Sundin are sexy. The sweat, blood, mud, quick quips and bright smiles. These are men who have succeeded.

I was going to go into my inferiority complex and how much I envy the talented writer of Debriefing the Boys, (whose blog is an inspiration to all multi-tasking, creative, sensitive, intelligent university homos everywhere), but I'm going to go smoke some bowls with Mike and then start editing my youtube video. Much more productive. And there, something to look forward to, non-existent readers. Until next time. Cheers

My First Real Blog

Ok so for this blog I am going to talk about things. Where do I begin.

It always starts with sex so why not. I love ginger kids. Its a crude term, but its better than redhead. Because its more than that. Its its a very distinct, north British Ilse blood. Fair skin, tall, and not always large but mostly meaty.

Living in Canada, and going to white school, I am fortunate enough to have a number on my campus. Today I ran into one at the gym and he wasn't big by any means, he could been like a buck 50, maybe 65. But he was ripped. And pale. But his shooting blue eyes and large swaying bluge. glwlwlwl

Oh I lost myself for a second there - ok men. There are so many facets. I want to do them all but its too many.

But That is why I am sharing this information with you. My obsession with my own gender is gross. I love guys. I love a very particular kind of guy. I love straight guys. Which is a predicament, yes? Yes.

Well I found someone who loves straight guys as much as I do. A new lover? No.

His name is Charlie LeDuff. An Irish boy. Brown hair. But a very interesting face on an interesting man. LeDuff is a journalist who works in cultural analysis. I saw him on Steven Colbert's The Colbert Report, Tuesday night promoting his new book US Guys. He travelled the country to document the current male condition.

What a great fucking idea! I am all over this book, and when I wikipedia'd him I found that he hosts a television program on the Discovery Times channel (!??!!?!? - you fucking lucky stupid americans!). I can't wait until it comes out on DVD.

This is my tribute to ginger boys. Cheers.

thats something thatwould happen to me...

So remember that digital camera I bought off ebay? Well I got it - And I lost it!

I got it on Feb 1 and today is Feb 3. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

I want to go into how God must hate me -- or at least he enjoys my misfortune. But I won't. I'm in Toronto for my best friend's birthday. We are going to roll a joint, get drunk and have a good time.

And I have discovered the secret to good blogging - i think. Its planning. By planning my blogs you wont have to read about my shitty day anymore. Not that anyone reads this blog. So get ready for some good stuff. Next week on Disfunctional.