deeper and deeper

This funk has not really ended yet. I am still not very motivated to do anything. I applied for the editor position of my faculties publication the MIT'Zine. I was the front runner, the most qualified. And of course didn't get it.
And because I haven't been going to gym regularly, I am getting man boobs. Not hot at all. However I am hoping that I get this job at campus rec. which means I will be at the gym all the time, which is totally a dream.
I had hoped to get a lot more out of this post. But it seems I don't have motivation for this either. No one reads it. It doesn't make me feel better like it used to. I need to find a new drug.

It is this fragmented world, that has me this way I think. I can't get anything done, because I only see a small part of my life at a time. I only see until tomorrow. I don't care beyond that. And that is the problem with our society as a whole. But how do you change an entire world's organizational technique.

I am trying to write this article about green products and the reasons that they are not the standard. The reasont hey are not the stardard is because people are disconnected from the earth. They throw their garbage into a can, leave it on a curb and then it disappears. Because they don't see the gross amount of garbage they produce they also have no idea of the time it will take that garbage to decompose. It will decompose, but not tomorrow or in a year. It will be generations. If people knew this, could see this then the world would be a much different place. All products would be green. People would not choose plastic over paper. EVER. I recycle as much as I possibly can. But there are a large number of products that are seemingly essential that are uber harmful to the earth.

And here I sit blogging about it.

I have always followed the philosophy of doing your part. Well I'm doing my part, what about everyone else. Who are these fuckers? Why won't they change their ways? Why won't the government do anything? why do people hate the government? Why aren't people political?

I was at my catering job last night and one of my managers was complaining about the food services staff at one of the affiliated colleges who are on strike and blocking the parking lot enternces. She said she didn't sign their petition because she doesn't like to attach her name to things. She said that she fully understood the position of the strikers. She works for the same people essentially. But she still wouldn't sign. She wouldn't call the school administration to voice her concern. WTF?

We are going to hell because of post modernism. Capitalism I hope you're happy. Fucker.

whats the word... validated

Its sad when I put it out there like this, but last night I hooked up with my elusive blonde fuck buddy, and it was fucking awesome. This is the kid who I chase pretty hard (for me) on msn all the time and he's either just brushes me off or explains why we can't meet. Lately he's been msging me, but I've just closed them because I can't deal witht he the tease.

Last night however, after spending the entire evening shmusing, I got home and the little box from him was flashing on my desktop. I hit him with a whats up, and he said he was thinking about smoking a joint and then going to bed. I said I was thinking about the same thing, and cock.

"Cock?" he said. "Whose cock?" "No one in particular." I replyed. "Just cock." Pause on both ends. "So you wanna smoke then?" I ask. "Sure."

So I go over. He lives across the motherfuckign street from me. Literally a 2 minute walk. Dangerous Minds was on TV. We smoked the joint. It was huge and awesome. We had to put it out. The last few times we've done this (which hasn't been for MONTHS mind you) we sit on the edge of his bed and my hand slowy creeps up his side and we move closer and we kiss and then get down to it. Last night, he outted the joint and just went for it. I was like - well then. It was nice. I'm smiling right now.

The best thing about Cameron - big cock. He's my dream boy, except he's skinny. But even then, thats not really a negative. And the orgasim. 10+. And thats the worst thing about Cameron. We first hooked up... in the summer? So like 7 months ago, and we've only hooked up like a handful of times. I guess he used to have a boyfriend so... but like everytime we see each other its a longer intervel than the time before. But everytime, the sex is better.

*SIGH* I'm glad I got it last night though. I really needed. I had actually begun counting how long it had been. March 2nd - March 22 so like weeks. I've definately gone longer, but I was beginning to itch. I honestly feel a whole lot better.

Ok enough on that.

I remember that I had tried to make this blog something of value, so here are my links for the past couple months.

Want to feel inspired by the power of the internet, individual creativity and the wonderful world of science: http://www.makezine.com Something new everyday. You might even find a project you want to try.

Tired of crappy corporate radio? Internet radio is my new heaven. It saves my downloading, theres no commericals and its free. I was all over Yahoo! Music's LaunchCast Radio, but they have been screwing around with the channels that I like.
My roommate read about Slacker on some tech website. It is basically the same thing as the Yahoo service, except, this summer they are going to be launching a WIFI, satellite radio capable music player. The was it was explained to me, when you get up in the morning, you turn it on and connect it and its syncs up all the music for they day. Depending on which service package you sign up for, you can skip songs. I like the idea, and I like the mix of music that they offer. Check it out.

its not fair

its not fucking fair! I'm 21 years old and I'm loosing a tooth like a fucking 8 year old! what the fuck is going on!??!
This is the worst thing that happened to me since, I don't know when. I am sitting here eating a bagel and I feel this familiar feeling in my mouth. And I thought it felt loose a day or two ago, but now I'm pretty sure that its coming out. I have spent the last little bit googling solutions and they all suck. Loosing a tooth sucks. And I have no one to turn too. I talked to my best friend about it the other night. But I need someone to tell me that I'm going to be all right. I don't. I am all alone.
I am trying to get some tears about but nothing will come. I need someone to hold me. I keeping thinking "Mommy" but that bitch is the worst and there is no way I am telling her anything. I am, at this moment more than any in recent memory, an orphan. Yes my parents aren't actully dead, but I've been abandoned. One literally, the other lost her mind and can no longer think beyond her own crazy desires. That leaves me and this blog. How sad is that.

blogging at work

I think I may be out of my funk. I woke up this morning, and didn't feel like a sac of shit. I was slightly motivated to get to school and get work done. I have a fairly busy week coming up and I opened my agenda for the first time in two weeks today.

I think that as I get into the swing of work I sort of gain momentum. I skipped work on Friday, to sleep, so today I came in to a pile of emails to write. I got those off with enough time to get a blog in. I have to leave here and go and finish my Zine Editor application, and then I have a Campus Rec interview (I really hope I get it). Then I have class till 10 and then I gotta go home and get my shit in order. I totally fucking wasted this whole weekend. At the time it seemed reasonable, but I really need to get on top of my shit. I need to figure out my finances (fucking debt) to see if I actually can go to NYC before May.

I have a gum infection to top it all off. I am dredding going to see a dentist, but I really really need to. How fucking embarassing though. I was thinking yesterday about cruising/calling up my booty call, but just the thought of my sore gums rubbing up against cock, makes me shudder. Gum disease - That would happen to me.

I also found out that I got an interview for an IBM internship that I don't even want.

*I just lost part of my blog b/c the touch pad on this laptopFUCKING SUCKS*

So with that I am going to quit while I'm ahead. Fuck off you fucking piece of shit

Getting back on the horse

It has been a really tough two weeks. Since I got back from Cuba I have been dealing with this weird crisis of faith. I think I talked about it in my last post. I am/was just so tried of the fucking grind that is my life. It seems that I am always doing something and that when I'm not doing something I'm losing time for stuff that I should be doing. But I think I have been putting too much pressure on myself.

The other thing thats been bothering me is this whole 'pressure on myself' business. I have no one to tell me that I am being crazy or that my hard work will pay off. I have to tell myself all of these things and I guess myself just got sick of motiving myself, and thats where I found myself last week. But over the past few days, I have come to the realization that I can only do so much. I have resolved to try my hardest, but if I fall short of my goals, I just need to learn from the experience and move on.

Right?

From fag hags to this empty blog, I seek validation and comfort that I am a well adjusted young man. But it doesn't seem to be coming. Why? Went to the MIT formal last night. My ex was there with his new boyfriend. It was gross. They slobbered all over each other all night. I got a couple comments from people who were completely detached ("Who are those gross people making out on the dance floor?") And as vindicating as that was for me, I thought, that used to be us being slutty. *SIGH*

I guess this is as good a time as any to go into my perfect man. He is tall and handsome and is like me in every way, but also different in all the right ways. He is ripped, shoulders, back and chest. He has a small waist and a big butt, the kind that hold up pants. Hes just an awesome smile and uses it a lot. He is kind and thoughtful and loves me for me and I love him for loving me.

My dream guy exists, because I've seen him on xtube. He is between 19-21 and knows how to use a dildo. He's got shame, but his hot body is too hot not to be shared with the world. He is my dream boy and one day I will meet him.

One day. Until then... I'll jerk off.

I thought I did this already

21 and 1 day old, and I am in the dumps. I was running on a bit of a drain when I got back from Cuba on Friday. I wasn't ready to come back and get back into the grind. As much as I knew that it was only a month until this semester will be over, I just didn't want to. The weekend passed and Monday was my birthday as well as a near 12 hour day on campus. I came home to an empty house, roommates gone to play poker. My best friend gave me the cold shoulder the whole night and I just couldn't figure out why, except for that fact that he is an inconsiderate bastard.

Today I ran into the internship co ordinator for my program who told me to apply for an internship in Toronto. I - don't know how to articulate just how I am feeling, but just was I was getting into the swing of what this program is all about, I am thrust back into the business world.

I am more than likely over reacting but I don't know what to do. Or I know what I have to do, but I just don't want to do it. I have to apply for this internship, I have to go forward with Katie's project, I have write all my papers and I have to go to work.

And the gym. My fuck buddy told me that he could see my muscle mass diminishing. I was glad that he said something so I know, but WTF? I skipped the gym today because I ran into a friend of mine who I don't see very often. We talked over our issues and I felt a lot better, but just not up to going to gym. I really wish that I had.

I think that I am going to 'train' for the Western bi-athlon. Its called a 'splash and dash' 500m swim, 5km run. Nothing too much. but I'm going to do it so at least I have one race. 'Race'.

I have to figure out this motivation problem because it's hit me like a ton of bricks. My girls are coming up from Toronto to party for my birthday on Friday. I am sure that it should be a good thing for me, but it might just make things worse. Whatever it will be a fun night nonetheless.


I also wanted to write a review of the resort that we went to in Cuba, but I just don't want to. I don't want to over analysis the experience. I had an awesome time, great memories, totally worth the money. That all that really needs to be said. And I'll post a picture or two, just to make the post semi-interesting. This was one of those masturbatory/therapeutic posts...

Future topics: My dream boy, Trent Reznor and NIN, and something random.