the pledge

I spent the day sitting at my computer working on my FINAL assignment of 3rd year. Got it done around 6. Decided to go for a run because I skipped the gym yesterday.

On my way to the bathroom to shower, I caught myself in the mirror. I have lost my figure. I actually did a double take. WTF?!

I know exactly what happened. I got lazy. I stopped going to gym after Cuba, pretty much. I started eating like shit. I ate out a lot, laziness. I ate a lot of carbs, but I say that I do that because it makes me feel good. I went out for a Froster and a bag of cheeies at midnight last night. Why? Why not? has been my response for the past 2 months.

But the summer is on its way. And when I saw those hips, I couldn't believe my eyes. So, I have been contemplating no carbs for a while, and I guess there is no time better than the present. So May 1st - Will goes no carbs. I may also try and quite smoking and just make it hell month. We'll see.

The run I went on today was great. I could try and focus on that. Bah.

Saturday Afternoon

It's 2:30, and I've been up for about an hour. I have a huge flash website that I need to start today. I was cruising around the internet and came across this post at DTB.

After Viringa Tech this week, I came to the conclusion that the US has fully and completely become a hyperreal state. I was just getting off work I believe when I saw the TVs in the University Community Centre displaying the news out of VT, and I stopped for about 30 seconds to hear the headline and kept on walking. 33 dead, a 2 hour interval between shootings, and flashes of Columbine. I'd seen it before.

So for as large as a tragedy as that incident was, I didn't shed a tear for almost two days, when I was watching the 6 o'clock CBC news hoping to find out what was going in my world, to find that apparently nothing happened in my world that wasn't related to the shooting.

Me and some friends of mine are currently in the process of trying to get a conscious publication off the ground for September. We consider ourselves very enlightened individuals and one of the reasons that we want to start this magazine is so that we can have intelligent conversations with a larger portion of our peer group. I had one with my roommate the other day about about how Canada's liberal party is creating a big mess for itself but making alliances left, green and everywhere. But even that conversation starting to draw in big media punditry and started to lose substance quickly.

Anyways, how do these things relate? I am a media savvy, conscious individual in my liberal minded Canadian haven. I can't imagine who I might be if I lived in the US. I am only turned onto the evils of the organized world about half the time as it is, and thats partly because I don't run into it at every turn. South of the boarder though, I can't fathom how torturous it must to be to see it everywhere. I posted DTB's post because I saw it and said 'who cares' - the exact motherfucking attitude that I am trying to combat in my peer group.

I will continue to blame commercial culture for the way that we are. I found a fucking fantastic public sphere show on TVO call the Agenda. Its an hour show that deals with political topics and includes a great feedback section. This is the television everyone should be watching. Except the only reason I came across it is because I don't have cable.

I am going to read that post and file yet another reason why I'm afraid, in awe, perplexed, disgusted, fascinated with the the US. I am going to read the comments to see what the DTBs readers think. I am going to battle the who care attitude until I begin to see it picked up by everyone.

*side note* great idea for a book - a post modern tragedy where the main character's life spirals away from him through a series of hyperreal events

what it feels like for a girl

This is my attempt at a quick blog. I'm just about to eat dinner and go out for a couple of beers with a buddy of mine I haven't seen in a while.
And I'm standing in the kitchen thinking, "Fuck! I don't want to have sex with ___." This is the short guy that I have hooked up with a couple of times over the past few months. He was the guy I saw right after I got back from Cuba. We are going to same bar tonite, seperatly.
Anyways hes moving to Montreal and he wants to see me again before he goes. I have been trying to avoid it but hes leaves next week. And it is the civil thing to do. Theres really no reason for me not too - except - its too easy. It came to me in a stream on consciousness, I don't want a guy who loves to suck my cock or be my bottom. I want someone who calls me fat and fucks me hard. Someone I have work for their approval.
What is wrong with me? And then it hit me.
This is what it must feel like to be a girl.

Summer's here by the by, so I will have time more prolific blog.
My mircowave is beeping at.

never good enough

Oh where to start, where to start...

I was going to make this post about the only semi-eventful thing that has happened to me in the past little bit, and wait till you here what it is.

But then I stopped and thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would have been a boring post since, truth be told, its a pretty sad state of affairs.

The story starts on Saturday night. My Toronto Maple Leafs had just beaten Montreal in the last game of the regular season. We were in 9th going in and with that win we knocked out Montreal for a (temporary) playoff spot. I was in high spirits and as me and my mates headed out for the night things were good. We started the night at a Richmond St. condo, finishing our predrinking and shooting the shit. Soon enough we left for the Ceeps, a legendary London watering hole. Straight bar with wood everywhere, I had planned to stay till about 12:30 and go to the gay bar. My usual course of action. This night however I had two girls in tow.

We get to 181, and I am still feeling good. The place had a pretty decent size crowd. I get out on the dance floor with the girls, and I'm getting into my groove. This gorgeous boy dances past me and we have a short exchange. He was commenting on my blue and white TML santa hat. The leafs are one of the few things about Toronto that I will defend nowadays so I didn't care that my hat was one Christian holiday late.

I keep dancing, and realize, WAIT one GODDAMN minute. A hot boy stopped to talk to ME?! I couldn't let something like that just go by the wayside. He was just my type too. Red head, slim, but with mass, close fitting clothes, but not tight. I excused myself to the bathroom and gave his ass a good squeeze on the way by.

On my way back I see the boy dancing on a speaker. I wait for him to see me. I extend me hand, "Can I dance with you?" I overly annunciate, hoping he reads lips. He takes my hand and pulls. And I lose my footing. I was up in half a second, and luckily I was drunk so there was some excuse for my clumsiness. Smiling extra wide at him, he leans in and goes, "I'm (either) not totally/not actually gay." And it was as quick as a reflex. I put hands on his torso just under his arms and ran them down just past his waist. "Well," I said, "thats what you get." And with that I was off, back to my friends.

Meanwhile, I believe, my ex was keeping an eye on me. I believe, because I keep my eye on him at the bar. Who knows why, but we do, so whatever. He is chillin' with my peeps. Dancing, dancing, dancing. A new boy is talking to me. Two boys in one night, I am a fucking star. He makes another Leafs/santa hat comment and I give my reasons. Chris, he says extending a hand. He dances away and my ego has a raging hard-on. Or did I have one?

Anyways, this is all at about last call and I hate, hate, HATE to be in a bar past last call. Chris is still on the other side of the room, but my pride (and general sensibility) tells me not pursue him. So its me and J. And we're dancing a little closer, a little closer. I knew what was happening. He knew what was happening. "Wanna come over and have sex?" He asks to make sure. "Yeah, sure." I reply.

Sex was ok. Probably some of our better, but overall I'd have to say median. He drove me home Sunday afternoon. And thats when the blogging nag started to hit me. I held off until today though. Partly because I'm a lazy bastard. Partly because I wanted to figure out what I wanted to say.

The point of this story was to explore the ideas of greener grass and settling. The grass, they say, is greener on the side. Did I settle when I went home with J? My brief encounters should have told me I was better than that. Or was I being realistic and taking what I can get? I'm 21 and year away from the beginning of my sexual decline. This should be the best sex of my life. But its a once a month, hit or miss affair. What am I doing wrong? I wasn't good enough for bi guy or Chris, J wasn't good enough for me. sex isn't good enough. My prudence isn't good enough. Its just never good enough.

And maybe thats just what I needed to take from that. It's never good enough, so appreciate what I get.

...

Another reason I held off on this post was because after J dropped me off, I turned on my computer and my email has a message from Steven. Steven is a guy that I hooked up with when I was in Calgary. He was inviting me to join him in Montreal in July for the Just for Laughs and Jazz fest which are during the same week this year.

He was MSN and we chatted for a bit. I think I'm going. But we'll see....