never good enough

Oh where to start, where to start...

I was going to make this post about the only semi-eventful thing that has happened to me in the past little bit, and wait till you here what it is.

But then I stopped and thought about it and came to the conclusion that it would have been a boring post since, truth be told, its a pretty sad state of affairs.

The story starts on Saturday night. My Toronto Maple Leafs had just beaten Montreal in the last game of the regular season. We were in 9th going in and with that win we knocked out Montreal for a (temporary) playoff spot. I was in high spirits and as me and my mates headed out for the night things were good. We started the night at a Richmond St. condo, finishing our predrinking and shooting the shit. Soon enough we left for the Ceeps, a legendary London watering hole. Straight bar with wood everywhere, I had planned to stay till about 12:30 and go to the gay bar. My usual course of action. This night however I had two girls in tow.

We get to 181, and I am still feeling good. The place had a pretty decent size crowd. I get out on the dance floor with the girls, and I'm getting into my groove. This gorgeous boy dances past me and we have a short exchange. He was commenting on my blue and white TML santa hat. The leafs are one of the few things about Toronto that I will defend nowadays so I didn't care that my hat was one Christian holiday late.

I keep dancing, and realize, WAIT one GODDAMN minute. A hot boy stopped to talk to ME?! I couldn't let something like that just go by the wayside. He was just my type too. Red head, slim, but with mass, close fitting clothes, but not tight. I excused myself to the bathroom and gave his ass a good squeeze on the way by.

On my way back I see the boy dancing on a speaker. I wait for him to see me. I extend me hand, "Can I dance with you?" I overly annunciate, hoping he reads lips. He takes my hand and pulls. And I lose my footing. I was up in half a second, and luckily I was drunk so there was some excuse for my clumsiness. Smiling extra wide at him, he leans in and goes, "I'm (either) not totally/not actually gay." And it was as quick as a reflex. I put hands on his torso just under his arms and ran them down just past his waist. "Well," I said, "thats what you get." And with that I was off, back to my friends.

Meanwhile, I believe, my ex was keeping an eye on me. I believe, because I keep my eye on him at the bar. Who knows why, but we do, so whatever. He is chillin' with my peeps. Dancing, dancing, dancing. A new boy is talking to me. Two boys in one night, I am a fucking star. He makes another Leafs/santa hat comment and I give my reasons. Chris, he says extending a hand. He dances away and my ego has a raging hard-on. Or did I have one?

Anyways, this is all at about last call and I hate, hate, HATE to be in a bar past last call. Chris is still on the other side of the room, but my pride (and general sensibility) tells me not pursue him. So its me and J. And we're dancing a little closer, a little closer. I knew what was happening. He knew what was happening. "Wanna come over and have sex?" He asks to make sure. "Yeah, sure." I reply.

Sex was ok. Probably some of our better, but overall I'd have to say median. He drove me home Sunday afternoon. And thats when the blogging nag started to hit me. I held off until today though. Partly because I'm a lazy bastard. Partly because I wanted to figure out what I wanted to say.

The point of this story was to explore the ideas of greener grass and settling. The grass, they say, is greener on the side. Did I settle when I went home with J? My brief encounters should have told me I was better than that. Or was I being realistic and taking what I can get? I'm 21 and year away from the beginning of my sexual decline. This should be the best sex of my life. But its a once a month, hit or miss affair. What am I doing wrong? I wasn't good enough for bi guy or Chris, J wasn't good enough for me. sex isn't good enough. My prudence isn't good enough. Its just never good enough.

And maybe thats just what I needed to take from that. It's never good enough, so appreciate what I get.

...

Another reason I held off on this post was because after J dropped me off, I turned on my computer and my email has a message from Steven. Steven is a guy that I hooked up with when I was in Calgary. He was inviting me to join him in Montreal in July for the Just for Laughs and Jazz fest which are during the same week this year.

He was MSN and we chatted for a bit. I think I'm going. But we'll see....