The one that got away/ Mindless Self Indulgence

Last night, my imaginary boyfriend for real broke up with me. It happened at the scene of the crime, The Odyssey. I walked in the back door and saw him smoking onn the patio and I walked right past him. Play hard to get, I thought. He caught up with me in the washroom and we went and had a drink and a dance.

Then he pulls me aside and says that we need to talk. Oh shit.

"I can't get involved with someone who is leaving in two weeks," he says. " My heart can't take it."

"And don't get me wrong, I really like you. Which I why it has to be like this."

With a smile on my face I knodded. 'Big girls don't cry' plays in the background. "How appropriate," he says.

I can't fault him for it. I would have loved to have a passionate 2 week fling - but I could tell he wasn't that sort of guy.

The first question I asked him after he destroyed my world (dramatics) was, "Have you joined the facebook revolution?"
"No. I'm anti-technology. I don't even have e-mail." My heart sank further. I at least held on to the notion that we would keep in touch, but if this kid doesn't even check email... But he said " I'll get one if thats important to you." I told him it was. I don't want to... force him - but - I'll take all the interaction with him I can. Of course I'm going to give him this blog - but I doubt he'll visit. *Shrugs*

I am a big believer in 'things hjappen for a reason'. When he said, "If you were here longer, I'd be willing to give it a shot," my first thought was, 'well I haven't booked a flight.' But then I remembered I just made a $3000 tuition payment. Fucking school. But my one shining hope is that he is going back home in December. That should mean he will be off the market till then - and probably while he's there. Now anything can happen but hey read the title - mindless self indulgence. All I can do is hope and pray that we cross paths again and feel the sames things we did this past week. *Sigh*

I would post the vanity picture I took of us last night - but he deserves his privacy. And so ends the love story that was - Will & Neil.

elbows and knees

I tend to decide the name of my posts before I start writing them. It keeps me focused on what I want to talk about. This is the post that I will talk about the boys I met at Odyssey on Saturday. As I began to sign-in to write it, I had second thoughts. Why? Well, it's nothing more than a fling. I've had lots of flings that don't end up on here. But Neil is different, and I don't know why.

Well I know why, but I'm going to post anyways, sort of as an archive of this boy I knew once upon a time.

The way he danced was what first attracted me to him. He dances just like me, without a care in the world and with 100% spunk. He describes his dancing as 'all elbows and knees', which it is. 'You can't dance with me, just at me.'

So he's clever, and confident. Have I mentioned he's gorgeous? Well, he is. I am trying to put into words all the small things that make me want to stare at him all day long. His deep brown eyes, his strong jawline, his high cheek bones. He has a beautiful mouth -great kisser. I want to talk about his body details, but thats trashy, right?

He is also hilarious. He and his (lesbian) roommate are a dynamic duo. They are also uber cool. They read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun. They come up with drag names. Sometimes, I can't believe I met him. Which I why I am so shook. Which I why I am posting about him.

My subtitled msn name is ' - life is one great big tease'. Of course I have to meet somebody that is so clearly short term - that I can imagine long term. I doubt if circumstances were different things would work out. He makes a big deal about our age difference (7 years) and I am seemingly a much more sexual person than he is, and he parties harder than most people I know. But I would try my hardest to win his heart - if I had the time.

We met on Saturday night and spent Sunday and Monday together. I didn't see him last night and my world is crumbling. He needed a good night's sleep so I wasn't in hysterics or anything. But I probably won't see him until Sunday and even then its all a big maybe. Maybe our relationship was those three days and thats it. Maybe I'll never see him again. That would be a mighty shame. But I as I said to start, thats the reason for this post. To remember Neil, a magnificent, beautiful, dream of a boy, I met in Vancouver once upon a time.

update

Today is July 31st which means that I have been out in Vancouver for a little over a month. And I have nothing to show for it. Well, I just paid three months of rent. Two back home, one here. It is really frustrating to work so gad damned much and not be able to buy what I want. I drink, a lot, so I guess thats where a good chunk of my money goes, but I don't drink more here than I do at home. $20 at the bar, plus a couple of six packs here and there. I don't get it. But this will be my last week of back breaking labour. It should calm down slightly after the weekend, which I am not even working, which I am thankful for.

This weekend of Vancouver Pride, and I should really be more excited than I am. I missed Toronto and was kinda P.O. that I didn't stay for it. But only kinda. I think I am not as psyched for pride because I am not free. I am not free to buy the outfits I want. I am not free to chase after the boys I want. I am perpetually being held back.

I think I am the one that is holding me back. But I so much prefer to blame other people. My 'lover' from London is in town, and while I thought it would be good to see him and have a good fuck, he wants to be with me, and I am not all about that. Friday at Odyssey was by far the best night we have gone there. the boys were HOT, the music was AWESOME and everyone was FLIRTY. But lover was in the room so I couldn't get my dance on with the three hotties checking me and Shawn out. BALLS.

Anyways, I think I made it pretty clear that me and Shawn are doing our own thing this weekend. We will have to decide what parties we are going to tomorrow so we can buy tickets. You know my cheap ass, I hate buying things, especially expensive things, especially expensive gay things, especially expensive gay event things. But Lord knows I hate waiting in line more than all of those things. So I figure we will get tickets to two or three parties. That will be a good $200. Fuck the gay scene.

What else. I think I am also down because I have not been gymming as hard as I should be. I barely get there twice week. I blame that on working 40+ hours a week. I say 40+ only because last week I worked 42. This week was 60. The week before last was 55. This week coming up will be... just under 50. And the money? Rent. I can't imagine if I was trying to pay for school too. I guess all this hard work will seem worth is when I don't have to worry about rent in September. I guess....


My one saving grace, the beach. Me and Shawn went to Sunset Beach yesterday and had a few beers before he went get this chest waxed and I went to work. We sat there just enjoying the sun the breeze, the mountains. I said to him, "I can really see myself living out here." I really could.

Ok I gotta go. Make the most of the afternoon... before more work. AGH! Cheers

I just don't know...

Where do I begin?

Note to self: no more free drugs. They're free - but its not worth it.
The story that is connected to that isn't all that horrible. I had a good time, sorta, but just a general rule, its never a good scene.

Next: I am not going to Calgary anymore *thumbs WAY down*
My credit card debt won't support it, and I wasn't looking forward to taking the 17 hour bus ride, so I'm not going. Maybe next year I will try and organize a group of people and go and get fuct up.

I lost my friggin' debt card. BALLS! But I finally got my money back from the bank and can start to pay back some of my debt.

The song that would best encapsulate today would be Monica's first single from back in .. (googling...[wikipedia actually]) 1995 (wow) ''Don't take it personal (Just one of dem days)''.
I wish Napster was still around so I download it. I'll google it anyways.

an update

So, an update for everyone who gives a whoot. I got a job. Flippin burgers at Vera's right by the beach. pays like $9/hr, but I can get as many hours as I want. Right now they are giving me like 35/40, I'm sure I could push it if I wanted. I am still debating weather or not to try the bars. The place that I found is right in the 'club district' so...

I am going to start moving my stuff to my new place as soon as I finish this post. Cameron the guy I'll be moving in with says there a whole bunch of wireless signals I can steal. I hope my laptop can pick them up. I am pretty sure that I am going to the Calgary Stampede.

I am pretty psyched for it, but I REALLY am not looking forward to the 16 hours bus ride. Its fucking brutal. The scenery is gorgeous, but the ride is *shakes head*. But for cowboys... I'll do it. Oh and the Hip.

Coffee and Jazz

Kevin took me to Capilano park yesterday in North Vancouver. The park is at the base of Grouse mountain. There is a river dam and wooded valley, minutes from the city. Minutes.

Today after breakfest, I was having a smoke outside the bakery and the wonderful sounds of band called Uncommon Gold drew my from perch to the grassy square just up the road. This week is the Vancouver Jazz Fest, and though I am not a huge jazz fan, this band was awesome. They were a four piece of musicians, that were just fantastic. I think it was the lap steel that really made it.

I kind of just wanted to remind myself why I came out here. Its different. I really do love it out here. I will meet people in time. I will see my friends again. Think about the money. Got a job by the way. 40 hours a week at Vera's right on the beach. How could that be bad?

From out West

Ok, I'm here. It's been 3 days. I found a place yesterday. Still no job. But thats my own fault. I just don't want to work. I'm going to get on it today. At least for a day job. I have to hit the bars at night and guess I still haven't worked up the courage. But I am going to hit the restaurants after lunch. Which is soon. I was also held up by money, and I got some today, so...

Oh Vancouver. The place is awesome, but I miss home. Not home itself, just the thought of my place, my things, my friends. I have no one here really. There's Kevin who is awesome, but he lives in North Van, and has his own life. Parents are still a big part of that, but I guess when you live at home... The place I found is a fucking closet. Like an actual storage closet in this guy's shoebox condo. Thats not a condo... I don't know. But its a closet. A $475 dollar closet. *shakes head* What am I doing?

I figure I will be able to a get a good bar job which should pay like $350 in tips a month. Plus pay. Plus If I get a restaurant job for during the day. I will be able to eat at work...

I went for a run along the waterfront, Wednesday. It was awesome. The people here are beautiful, the scenery here is breathtaking. So for as much as it isn't perfect, it is exactly what I wanted. Something different, new and interesting. I need to try and find a place to stay for relatively free next week. I can't move in until the 1st. I can't really stay at the hostel for a full week or least not this hostel. $25 a night is cheap but not cheap enough.

The weed here is dicriculous. Like fuct. Smoked two joints and just STONED... Met a really cool guy. Not gonna detail it, but he was really really cool. He had a pocket dog - a Chiwawa named Nemo.



This why I need a camera...

Smarter than I think

So I booked my flight. Thats right I'm going to Vancouver. I have to go. I hate my life.

I don't hate my life, but today was a really long day of work, and its not the work, its just the... everything. I was working to 'reception tent' at the convocations for the university. Today was the kin students. Oh my god. Why was I left out of that gene pool and how do I get in?

These boys are awesome, just specimens. It sucked because of of them were gym crushes that I've had, and to know that they won't be sweating next to me in September is depressing.

Besides that though, just the whole thing of people moving forward while I (literally) stay in the same place. Thats why I'm going to Vancouver. And however scared I am everytime I think about it, I am equally happy that I'm going. This trip is exactly what I needed. I'm glad I made the decision. I'm smarter than I think.

Another depressing thing about today were the number of GOREOUS asses leaving Western today. Kin boys in gym shorts - hot. Kin boys in their Sunday best -HAWT. I do not have an ass, which is probably why I envy and lust boys that do. But I saw taut seems. Just BAM. Here is nice one I recently picked up.


Oh - and I LOVE the new RIHANNA!! I had only hard a bit of the song and seen glimpses of her new stuff, but I heard the whole song on the weekend and just checked out the video. Fucking 10. http://www.defjam.com/site/artist_av.php?artist_id=586