disconnected

Last night was a fucking weird night. I got out of class at 4:30 and I think it was all the talk about the future, or maybe the catastrophy that is our Cuba trip, or I don't know but I felt down in the fucking dumps. And I haven't felt that way in a long ass time.

I was supposed to go to they gym, but I didn't. I just sat in front of the computer in Nat Sci and pouted. Katherine MSN'd me and we made dinner plans. I talked to J for a bit. He kept going about about how, I would get over whatever the problem was and that he was always there if I needed an ear.

Now I do apreciate the sentiment, but J come on. This is going to be harder on him than it will on me. *eye roll*

Anyways dinner was amazing and I was feeling so much better when she drove me home. I'll go upstairs and change and relax and go to bed early and feel better tomorrow, I said to myself. I went to the main house to see what the boys were saying. Sitting there watching my Leafs battle Tampa Bay, I realized, I had picked up a shift for that night. All the feelings of despare came flooding back and I felt like shit.

I stayed and watched the Leaf's victory (3/4 is 'winning' right?) but on the way to work, I don't know how to explain it and maybe it was the weed, but I had a real break down. Look at me in my tiny existence. Going to a place where I stand in the dark for five hours and then they give me money and I go home. And I do this without thinking. What am I doing with my life. And I started to think about all the other people around me wasting thier lives, doing mindless, meaningless things.


And I wanted to spill thier blood. I wanted stop the waste, the consumption. If only those who deserve to live did, the world would be a much better place. And even as the image of so many hacked bodies made my stomach turn, I felt it. The drive to kill.


Dexter - A dark, drama-dy, produced by Showtime. Starring Michael C. Hall of Six Feet Under fame the show is about a serial killer who uses his homicidal tendencies ... for good (?)

The show doesn't air on Canadian TV, or at least not yet anyways, so we watch the bootlegged internet copies on www.alluc.org


I was totally fucking influenced by a mother fucking TV show. To feel the need to kill. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

I still chalk it up to the weed. I was pretty high. But still. Holy Shit. And I consider myself a pretty stable preson. Who else is watching this?

Anyways, I walk into the bar and its DEAD and so i make eye contact with my boss and make a "keep me and you're a bastard" face and he waves me off. On the way home, I am sober. I realize that I am just being stupid and its all the little problems in my life that caused that screwed up self examination. I also had a theory that it had something to do with the face that I haven't had my computer for sooo long.

And the light bulb went off. I had a book idea. I'm not going to tell you. But its awesome. Or at least should be.