I don't care

"and I'm out of his leauge." I said finishing my smoke. She cocked her eyebrow. "How do you mean?" Silence. "Oh... Oh."

This was my friend's response to my finaly decision about J. J occured in the two month period that I wasn't writing this blog. We hooked up one night for sex. I was DRUNK. He came over, we screwed and he left. I woke up the next morning barely remembering any of it, but knew that I looked like a fool.

In a move to try and save face, I called the last number in my phone and left him a message apologizing for my drunkeness. That led to a coffee date, which after two weeks turned into a relationship.

After two months of a very one sided stab at things I finally came out with it; it just wasn't working. I don't want to get into the details of it, but essentially he wanted a long term, I wanted a fuck buddy.

Two months later, I ran into the bar (this is Saturday) and he accosts me and goes on about how he made this big mistake and he wants me back. Now, I am a very lonely person on the inside. Evidence: this blog, which no one reads. So for him to be all gushing over me was the best and worst thing for my ego. We left the bar together and while I don't like calling things mistakes, it was. As soon as we got back to his place (and we were all done doing drugs) I realized that after we had broken up, I tallied all the things I didn't like about him and this reunion was highlighting a lot of them.

I took him back to my place and we fooled around. And he stuck around. - -

We made a lunch date to discuss where to go from here, but there really is no where to go. I told him a loud clear voice at the bar "I am a selfish, self centered person." Which is simply a statement, not an apology. I don't have time in my life for another person and I don't need the drama of worrying about other people's feelings. There were alos a bunch of body issues that both of us had/have to get over. Again I don't want to get into too much detail, but sex was an issue for us.

So the question is how do I let this guy down. He is a great guy, and as well as our personalities go together, we aren't meant to be. Is there a way out of this without getting trapped or him feeling like shit?
I guess we'll find out.