Post Post Modern

If you have 22 minutes and have a good stomach watch this video.

We learn a concept called abjection in my second year theory class. It means to be both attracted and disgusted over something at the same time. They use it to example teenager's relationship with their parent. They hate them but love and need them. Also why babies play with shit - and if you've ever examined a booger or what you've dropped in a toilet. Car crashes too. Dare I say 2 girls 1 cup (thats fucking sick though fo real).

Anyways I present to you Toronto's favorite sons in:

Kenny Vs. Spenny - Who can eat more meat?

Internship - Day 1

So this is just a quick note on my first day of my internship. It wasn't nearly as awkward as it could have been. There was an uncomfortable silence or two, but not too bad.

We had a short meeting where he outlined the make up of the department. He then listed off the things that he would like to get accomplished with my help. So far we are set on writing portions of the PPD newsletter as well as keeping the website up-to-date and working on the Green awards of recognition. He wants to me chair meetings of some sort (I have it written down) and I said I'd love to firstly because it will be more hours for my commitment and second because that is what I need to work on - talking with people I have no personal connection to.

We also toured the new campus rec facility, which was awesome. Got to do some photography and ask questions. Should have thought to steal some pictures. Then we tried to work on a poster, but his computer was slow like death and I never go the chance.

I don't think I'll post everyday, but who knows maybe.

the end...?

My dream boy quit his job at the bar today, so I won't be seeing him anymore.

He texted my at 2:45, when he got home from the bar I suppose, to say that we still have to chill.

His response to my email about about how his poking me on facebook was playing dangerous games with my heart was: "hahahahahahaha"

So, I don't know anything anymore. These be some dark days.

the reluctant post

I don't even want to post today. But then again, I'm not really inspired to post much anymore anyways, so this is as a good an opportunity as any.

The pledge is going terribly. I have been ... smoking? Lets count. Monday I was smoking because I spent the night on a patio and it was nice. Tuesday I only smoked what three cigarettes. Wednesday I went to a party where I didn't know everyone (a birthday for my ex- attended by people in my faculty - I really need to get out more), so me and a friend spent the evening on the deck smoking. Last night I only had two smokes. All in I have smoked something like 15 cigarettes in four days. Not bad but not good. However in my defense this was a heavy party week, I'm really not this popular usually.

Goal for next week - less than 10 all week.

Oh and the carbs - also going terribly. On what was it may have even been Thursday I sat done for dinner and cracked a beer, only then realizing that beer is carbs. Bullshit! I also had a pizza binge on Monday. And a giant slice on Wednesday. BUT all the other days have been ... better. I had a bagel this morning from Tim's because I was near death. I went to a movie on Tuesday and bought almonds and cereal from the bulk store to snack on. I am watching what I eat more carefully, and I think that as time goes by I will be making better choices without even thinking. But I crave it so bad. It will get better. As an alternative to beer I now drink liquor with diet pop. Rye and Diet Ginger. Rum and Diet Coke. I was drinking Gin and Tonics, but tonic is like 24g of sugar a serving, and I can drink oh - 5 servings? 6? Lots, so thats out.

And the gym. Oh the gym. I'm going when I can. I went Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Had to skip Thursday for work and today (conveniently) the power went out just as I was heading over.
I am going to say that my effort affords me a C-. Mostly because of the smoking and the pizza disasters. Shooting a B at least for next week. I am scared for what an A looks like.

Other dramas in my life: Fighting the FIMS office for being dill holes. Oh and the poke guy is at it again. After finally locking him in a box over the break, I ran into his beautiful tan face the first day, first thing in the morning, of school *shakes head*. Then I saw him and some chick flirting it up Thursday night. Then he gave me a hug after work *sigh*. Then, of course, a poke. *shakes head*. I don't know anymore. I put myself out there to him in a email, because lets be serious, I have no balls, so we'll see what happens.

True. I think I feel better. Cheers.

quick post

01.03.08
Today was/is day two of the pledge. I had a really bad day yesterday. Sorta. I went to the gym and did my groceries and made dinner. All things I was proud of. And then I a second helping of spaghetti, a wonder bar and like 4 beers. DAMNIT!!!

This shit is going to be hard!!! I totally forgot about the beer and the carbs until was well into my first one, and then my boring roommate didnt want go to the bar which resulted in us sitting our ass on the couch watching Shooter. Good movie by the way. Hunky Marky Mark? Come on.

I was only supposed to be on here for as long as Piece of me was on. But I'm going to play it again. Fucking love it.

What else. I feel like I am over smoking but I am working tonight and its always bad at work. I am determined not tbuy cigarettes, but I smoked heavily in grade ten with the support of friends. So I guess I will hope that no one has smokes. I think I should be ok. On the 1st, I spilt a smoke with the girl in the kitchen and I got a head rush like I was 12. Not cool. So if that keeps happening I should be good.

I will get into a good blog post this weekend, I just felt i needed to document 2 days@ the gym. *rolls eyes* Shut Up!

New Years & The Pledge (& Inspiration)

So another year comes to a close today - and the only reason that this is a positive post is because I am not working. Some poor bastard offered to take shifts so I gave him the only one that matters. Instead of cursing life tonight surrounding by drunk idiots, I will be a drunk idiot toasting life. Much better.

I am going to Guelph to party with Lea and Lauren, and I have no doubt it will be sloppy. I am supposed to be packing, but I as I was dressing, I put on the MTV.ca video mix which started off with Rihanna and Britney. Why do female pop stars inspire me to be the best I can be? I want to be pretty girl deep down inside I guess. I was thinking that in 2008 I will finally do drag. I have wanted to for a while but have not really been inspired. But I think I can pull off a Riri. Get a cute weave, short dress and some nice size 12 high heels. I will try and do it for Pride...

And Britney I love you! I love that you are a shameless whore. I hate that you won't clean up your life. I've cut friends off for less. But... You're priceless. If you haven't seen her latest creative endeavour:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89oS4SN4mNg

And of course the pledge is back. I can't remember what it was last time. I think it was no carbs. I am going to start that up again. Except it won't be HARDCORE - I just took a loaf of bread out of the freezer. And I have a big bag of russet potatoes that have to get eaten - and I'm poor. So not hardcore, but still a lot better than I'm doing now. That means no more Tim's bagels :( - I means more water, more fruit, - oh and gyming 5 days a week - I wam going to try for 6, but no promises. I AM GOING TO BET A BODY SPACE. And I will link to it.

I also have to work harder on FD.
I also have to flush out my ideas for Real Canadian Man Magazine (title subject to change)
And The 13.

Oh and I'm going to read a lot more. I am have two books on the go right now. And I bought Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.

Four months until Freedom. I just have to set a good base in those months and hopefully everything will go well after that. A Prayer:
Dear God,
Please see my through the next year safely, healthily, and happily. And Peace on earth.

See you bitches in 2008

because I need to...

I need to write this post so that I can say to myself that I'm not a piece of shit.

I have been as lazy as I have ever been - ever. I spent 7 hours in front of the TV a couple of days ago. I just finished dealing with my internship thing that took a week longer than it should have. I got blind drunk on Monday and may have said something stupid to 'poke' boy. But for whatever reason, here I am, Friday afternoon, watching Oprah and struggling to write this post.

I have felt for a while to need to get a creative project to work on. And recently I feel like writing again. I should get my hands on a copy of Creative Suite but I've tried, and no fucking go.

This is a shit post. But its been a shit month... or two so...
At least I tried...

Strange State of Grace

So, I realized today that I haven't done any writing (outside of class) for a long ass time. I picked up an MIT Zine this morning and scoffed. But as I flipped through the issue, I realized that I could not have done much better. But then I realized that it wasn't for my lack of writing ability, but because I was just lacking things to say.

Ever since I have decided what I want to do with my life, I have sort of found this strange state of grace, where, I am no longer worried about what is going to happen next, I have an end goal, and I will make strides to reach it.

But my goal doesn't require a whole lot out of me at the present. And so as I am no longer panicking, it seems I have lost the sense of passion I once had. I don't feel enraged about things anymore, or joyous for that matter, I just don't feel very much of anything.

I am sure it is partly to do with the fact that I am so fucking busy I don't have time to watch the news of catch up on the world. But I think it partly has to do with ... I don't know a sort of disillusionment. From what I don't know... I'm not sure I care... But it bothered me that I haven't written. So here I am writing....

In other news, I decided that that boy that I like at work, needed to know how I felt about him because in my head, he felt the same way I did.... So I just said to myself one night, Ok I'm gonna do. I had what I would planned out but as we walked through the still Sunday morning air through the white Victoria Park, I realized I was way way off. But there were words already coming out of my mouth.

I was apologizing for treating him poorly over the past few weeks. I had been avoiding him in an attempt to stomp out my passion for him, which obviously didn't work. Well, why would you treat me badly, he asked. Don't worry, I said, thats not important. Well, I want to know, he said, you can't bring it up and not tell me. So I did.

"I realized that I was really starting to like you," I said "And I would consider you one of my better friends, and I don't like to weird out my friends. So I was a dick to you, thats how I dealt with it."

"Well that's stupid," he said. He went on that he only really like me and one other guy at work and that it would be "stupid" to lose a friend for that.

We parted ways and I convinced myself I felt better. Which I do... "That's stupid" echoed in my head for the Sunday and into the Monday. And then Tuesday night after staff dinner, he poked me again.

What a fucking guy...

Last crap item for the day. I know these two girls who like EXACTLY the same and I have almost called them the wrong name. I ran into one this morning, I am going out with the other one tonight and so as I was about to say "Can't wait till tonight" I realized it was the other one and changed it to "are you coming out tonight". Stupid look a like girls, can't keep them straight.
Anyways handing in my second to last paper today, so I should probably start.

a dark muse

I am not sure why I am propelled to write when I feel like shit. Today I feel like an unaccomplished piece of shit that is taking of space in the world, wasting time and energy trying to be someone that I will never be. But I don't see any alternative and that's the strangest part. I guess I could strive for a life of mediocrity, managing a Starbucks are something. With my dog. In a rental.

This was the last journal entry I included in my package to my creative writing prof:

Who are these fags?

So I went to this queer function last night run by the campus queer constituency group, held at the bar that I work at. I was quite surprised by the turn out, could have been 60 or 70 college aged queers at my bar, dancing and kissing and chatting up a storm. When I got there I knew no one. A few faces look familiar from campus, but I didn’t know anyone. I bought a drink and milled around the room getting more and more uncomfortable as I sank into a dark hole of isolation.

I was angry at these gays last night and I can’t figure out why. Well, I know exactly why, jealousy. How the hell did these fags have friends – gay friends? I don’t have any gay friends. I know my two ex-s one other guy in my writing class, and that about it. I have been introduced to a bunch over the past four years, but none of them are friends of mine. Even people that I didn’t know were gay were there, and seemingly in the Western queer posse. I mean come on, right?

I have a good idea of why don’t know any fags. I don’t like them. There seems to me to be this weird sexual tension amongst us, or maybe that is just me. Or if not sexual tension, its this other kind of competitive tension, like a silent pissing contest. Again though, maybe that is just me, they seem to get along fine with each other. I fell like I am being judged when I am in a room with them. Because I know that they recognize me from campus. I know they know I’m that fag who refuses to be their friend.

Which really is part of the equation. When I was in second year, I realized that there was a group of students in my faculty that were the elites. I made a conscious decision to infiltrate the group and though it took me a few weeks and a lot of ego stomping, but I was accepted. I realized in second year as well that the Western fags were a tight elite group, but I gave up trying to infiltrate them after the first try. They stand in a circle at the gay bar and look over their shoulders to see who is encroaching on their space.

I used to think that I was snobby bastard, which I am, but after Vancouver this summer I’m not so sure. Maybe its an East coast/West Coast thing, but I didn’t perceive so much attitude out West. Yes there are those gorgeous boys from ridiculous gene pools who make it clear that you must be of a certain aesthetic standard to get their attention, but they didn’t even seem as hostel as these queers.

On the one hand, it is all my fault. I work weekends, and the fags have all their bonding time at the bar on Saturday night. On that same hand, I hate going to that bar, it depressing - which is not to say there weren’t stints when I was there for months on end. On top of that I suppose I do contribute to the hostile relationship. But I truly think these queers are a breed of their own. And they can have it. I don’t care what anyone thinks are says, I am a well adjusted queer, whatever that means, and when I grow up I will have a gay posse too, who loves me for me, and the sad memory of being the unpopular fag will be a glimmer a nightmare a I may have once had.

dark days

So this what the internet determined I was. I am not sure just how to react. But I am sure that there is an abundance of truth behind it.

Went to this queer function last night. Shitty. Didn't know anyone. Felt like a loser. Left before midnight.

This has really been one depressing semester. The sole thing keeping me going is the vision in my head of me returning from Korea, paying out of student loan and starting a fabulous life on the west coast. fuck everything and everyone.

Somebody kill me now. And Gxxxxx, fucking straight oblivious turd. Smile, Will, this goes on.

heartbreaking work of staggering genius

You need to buy this album. I don't care what the critics say (its b-sides, not impressive) - it is a fucking beautiful album.

Videotape

When I'm at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
and he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
and i have it all here
In red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my center
When i spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
I'm talking to you after it's too late
From my videotape

No matter what happens now
You shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.

http://www.inrainbows.com/

WTF??!?!?!!?

Who is this guy?! I know I haven't posted in weeks and that I could have used this as a venue to talk a bout crappy movies (yes, I'm talking about you Michael Clayton and The Kingdom) but no. I am posting about this "straight" boy whom I am in love with that just poked me on facebook.

The facebook poke is very big deal because most people, I know at least, don't use 'poke' to get peoples attention. The only time I have ever sen it used it by random people who have somehow found you, and want to talk to you. As in they fancy you. Which is ridiculous because even if they could see my profile (which they can't) how can you judge someone for from a web profile. Come on.

But he poked me! ME!! We have had, what I thought, was this weird flirting thing going on. Then I talked to one of his long time friends who said "Gxxxxx is not gay. He's a lady's man, he loves it." While my rational side says, 'Ok, Will move along, he's cute get over it.' my emotional side says, 'No Dream Boy! Don't go! I love you!!'

And now this. WTF Gxxxxx?! Is this funny to you, because this isn't funny. I refuse to speculate anything because speculation only gets my hopes up, which will only be dashed when I say or do something stupid around him.

Oh Gxxxxx, please don't break my heart. I just don't know if I could take it.

A deep sense of Lose

Today the world seemed more empty to me than it usually does. I seem to have lost purpose, will, and determination. The truth is that I have always struggled with these qualities but some days they are harder to muster up than others.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a good writer, and it really saddens me because was a passion of mine. I thought to myself, there are lots of things that I am not good at but I at least have writing. Now that has been taken away from me by this cruel institution.

My assessment of the university experience so far is fairly bleak. I have enjoyed my time here, but on days like today I really wonder if it was worth the thirty thousand dollars plus interest it will end up costing. Time will be the ultimate judge of that.

On days like today I daydream of escaping to a beach town in some tropical country that was at one or still is a British colony, so I don't have to learn another language. Once there I would establish a relationship with local eatery and trade my services in the kitchen and in the dining in exchange for a meal a day and maybe a cot in the back. And there I would spend the rest of my days, eventually taking over the hut, never changing the menu and never dwelling on the so called life I left behind.

When I cannot picture white sand beaches and clear blue water, I am forced to decide Vancouver or Toronto, leadership program or internship, telecommunications or media content. It was just over a month ago, as I spent the last of my undergraduate summer on Vancouver's English Bay, that I thought, I can't wait to be out of school. Now I wish I had never started.

Another truth is that these are just the melancholy thoughts of an sleep deprived, overworked, underpaid fourth university student who is working every night over Thanksgiving weekend. It is hard to keep an upbeat attitude when there is little to look forward to in the near future. A few short years ago I lived by the undergraduate mantra “I'll sleep when I'm dead”. Some mornings I feel like it has fulfilled itself.

Tonight I will trudge through Victoria Park, cutting across the already dewy grass, to my bar on Richmond Row. It will be empty except for the few poor souls trapped behind the bar and the unsuspecting partons who feel trapped after paying the cover charge. Together we will be prisoners of the London Tap House, a dungeon in every sense with the added misery of flashing, spinning lights, overplayed top 40 and bar classics, and high drink prices. This self imposed punishment will repeat itself on Friday and Saturday.

Usually at the end of an entry like this I would look at the positive things in my life, reaching and pulling from every possible corner, in an effort to keep me from going under completely. This time I won't. This time I will let these dark feelings take their final bow in front of a silent audience. I will let them walk off stage thinking they have finally won. But just like Toronto musicals, this one shall close too. It might have an extended run like the Phantom of the Opera, but I think it will more like the Lord of the Rings – over hyped, and quietly cut short.

How do you like this??

Globalization causes a lot of bad things. This I know. But this ^^^^ this is awesome. I never thought the day would come when I couldn't have to calculate US exchange. Those poor poor bastards.

Anyways I'm back in shitty London. I miss Van. Just a little though. Today its raining and I couldn't imagine having to deal with 4 months of that shit. No way. No how.

I am soo over school already - I am trying to keep on top of everything but I just can't. I just want to drink and sleep and fuck and get high and not read and not to go to class and not WORK - oh not to work...

I haven't anything else to say. I have to save it all for my journals *barf*. Stupid writing - whatever. Its werid because I am so used to being able to talk about whatever I want on here and now I have to censor it and make it sound pretty. Kinda. I wrote a journal this morning that was a complete rant. I don't care though, that was my mood at the time and thats what he is going to get. I figure what I will do is just bang them out whenever I can and then befor eI hand them in I will write I donno 5 or 6 really good ones. *rolls eyes* STOP EVALUATING ME!

Big two weeks

My heart is aching. I just came back from the airport. My two loves left for Toronto after a week of fabulousness.
But since, I have been busy drinking and dancing and working in between, I have not had a chance to post about my trip to Vancouver Island. So let's start at the very beginning. Its a very good place to start (Julie Andrews)

Vancouver Island
We (me and Shawn) left for the Island on Friday night (8/17). We had a reservation for a 7 o'clock boat, but Shawn didn't get back from work until close to 6. So we had a sushi dinner and left on an 9/10 o'clock ferry (can't remember). The ferry was huge and we watched Kathy Griffin on my laptop as we sail through the black water.

We landed at Swartz Bay and drove south to Victoria. Again, we were working from a crappy map in the Vancouver gay guide. We located the one gay bar in town and parked on the edge of downtown on a residential side street. The bar was balls - super small, downstairs, crap music - but me and Shawn made the most of it. Ran into a homeless guy who did spoken work at like 3 a.m. and were shoo-ed away from outside of someone's window when I got loud talking about how much I missed Neil.

The next morning we woke up early in hopes of driving to Tofino. We had no idea it was on the far end of the island and that it would take some 5 hours to get to. Oh and it rained. Saturday it rained all day. The further we got from Victoria the harder it rained. We stopped in Nanaimo to assess the situation. The tourist info place we stopped at was right next to the grounds where they were holding the VIEX (Van. Is. Exhibition). We had pretty much written Tofino off after talking to the girl - so Shawn says, "Well, I want to see old trees." "No problem," she said. She circled on the map where we should go and another cool park to check out. [Pictures to be posted at the later date]

The rain actually let up a couple of times so our adventures weren't completely wet. Except when I stepped in the river. Balls. So that was Saturday, and since the original plan was to stay in Tofino that night, we decided that would drive back to Victoria for the night, party and then drive back to Nanaimo on Sunday and go to the fair. We should have just stayed in Nanaimo - but live and learn, I guess. The bar was even worse on Saturday (go figure) - but I ran into Katu, the coat check girl (drag queen) from 181 in London. How friggin' random.

Anyways. Woke up on Sunday and was wet and cold because it rained all night and all morning. As soon as we left Victoria though, the sky cleared and the VIEX was definitely a hit. VERY much a COUNTRY fair. They had a tractor parade. The 'agroplex' had a displays about about different B.C. fair animals and their importance to the economy. Shawn particularly liked the miniature horses and Jack Russel terrier races. We kept missing the real fun stuff like sheep sheering and goat bathing, but we definitely made the cow milking demo. [Pictures to be posted at a later date]

Around 3 in the afternoon Shawn had his fill and we slowly started to head back south to the ferry. Thank God we had a reservation. The line to get on a ferry was like 2km long. Nuts.

And then the truck broke down. I was SOOO PISSED OFF - but we were really lucky. It just stopped a couple (relatively) block from our place. It was the alternator, and cost Shawn $700.

The Girls
Monday night (8/20)went Industry Night ($3 in, $3 drinks) and got TRASHED - with Neil. I 'forgot' that I had arranged with Adam (Lauren's brother who was RANDOMLY in B.C.) to pick the girls up at the airport in Tuesday morning. So he called me at 11:30 from outside my building and had run back - half drunk.

Seeing the girls was like having a big weight taken off my shoulders. Lauren and Leanne are probably the people closest to me in my life. We don't see each other as often as we should, but the connection we have is stronger than that. We got dropped off at Lauren's friend Chantel's house where they were staying. She left us a joint and the suggestion of Toby's (a bar) for lunch. I couldn't tare myself away from the table and was like an hour late for work.

Wednesday was a perfect day. We went to a place called Bon's off Broadway for breakfast. If you are even in Vancouver's east side (Commercial Dr. Area) go. $3.00 for a full breakfast. Me and Adam had 2. We went to PNE (Pacific National Exhibition) that afternoon and had a fabulous time. Got a shave, thought the girl was gonna hack my face off. Went to see Superdogs, totally overrated. They had a street performers who were fantastic - the ones we saw at least. I believe they were called OzStar Airlines.

After the fair we went to the New Amsterdam Cafe, to smoke a J. And boy was that a great idea. SO HIGH. Then we went to dinner at White Spot. I went to White Spot once before the last time I was in Vancouver, and I really wasn't impressed. Adam had the same experience, so when we heard that that was the plan we made our opinion heard. Didn't change anything. Anyways, this time was a much better experience.

After dinner we went back to my place and had a few drinks and then went to the 'O'. Wednesday nights they have a drag show - and this was the first time that I had seen one from the beginning. It was FAB - totally awesome!! Those girls work really hard and I could never do it - or at least as good and they do. The girls got to meet Neil and everyone loved everyone. So much so that we went to Neil's after for drinks (surprise) and we all stayed over. We drank and sang until 5 a.m when we got a noise complaint. It was wonderful

I was going to take everyone to Joe's Grill for breaky, but Adam demanded a variation, so hungover and smelling of booze, we had sushi at 12:30. We went back to mine and got ready for the beach. We smoked a bowl or two and ventured down Davie. The day was perfect - hot with a slight breeze. The water was cool, but refreshing - I was the only one who went in thought. I had to work Thursday night and open on Friday.

Saturday morning (8/25)we went up to Whistler. On the way up we stopped at Brohm Lake, a small glacier lake just outside Squamish. It was serene. The water was freezing cold. Warm enough to coax you in but so cold I couldn't take full breathes. And because it was cloudy, the water was black and ominous. And me and open water don't get along.

Whistler is another world. Its called a resort village, and I had no idea what that meant until we took a stroll through the main village. That was really serene. Everything was prefect and small and chateau like. Kind of plastic. But I got over it pretty quick. The other reason its called 'resort' is because everything is resort priced. We went out for lunch and I had a $13 turkey sandwich. Yeah. But its Whistler.

We went looking a hostel - half-heartedly. I had always planned to stay in the truck, but when we couldn't find rooms anywhere, we found our digs in Lot 4 (overnight parking). There were a whole bunch of campers and RVs parked there so we didn't feel like total sketch bags. We went to the BCL and grocery store and stocked up. Chantel poured the first drink at 5:30 - I looked.

We were parked next to each other and used the mini van trunk as the bar and the truck bed as a lounge. We fit 7 people into the bed and we had to because it started to rain. This went on until about 10 when the rain let up and we went to see what the scene was like. We went to a resto/bar and got a round of drinks on the patio. One of Chantel's friends showed up and stole my girls away. "If you don't go now, you won't get in." "No, no," I said, "I work at the same bar in London." "Whatever!" She said as they went into some bar called Moe Joe's and me and the boys (Adam, Kevin and Shawn) went back to the bar and had a few more drinks.

Showed up at the Buffalo Bill at 11:45 and talked to the door guy. He knew what was going on and told me to go to 'Express' entrence. He said he could walk me in in 20 mins. So I sent Kevin into Moe Joe's to fetch the girls. Shawn, I find leaning his head on a post, so I sent him back to the car. Turns out he got lost (LOL). We get into the bar and the manager bought us a round of double shots. Leanne started to waver and Lauren decided to take her back to the car. Turns out they got lost (LMFAO). The bar was really nothing special and it was creppy because it was just like my bar in London. But whatever, danced and had a wicked time. (Total drinking time = 8 hrs)

Sunday morning, I was looking forward to a greasy McDy's breafast, but got dragged to a crepe place. It was good and not greasy but cost me $12.50. Two eggs, peameal, cheese, on a crepe. $12.50. Anyways.

Yesterday (8/27) we all went to a fabulous all you can eat Japanese place on Burrard called Shobusen. I definitely ate my $21.50 worth. And it was just good times. After we went to Chantel's for a night cap.

Of course I don't know my limit and I went to the 'O' afterwards. Neil was there, but I should have figured when he didn't call me back that he was doing his own thing - which is cool - *tear*

And that brings me back to the beginning. I have lots of work to look forward to this week. And I have to move out of my closet and onto Shawn's floor on Friday. The Irish boys are also back this weekend. And I bought my plane ticket home yesterday. It truly is a bittersweet symphony. *sigh*

The one that got away/ Mindless Self Indulgence

Last night, my imaginary boyfriend for real broke up with me. It happened at the scene of the crime, The Odyssey. I walked in the back door and saw him smoking onn the patio and I walked right past him. Play hard to get, I thought. He caught up with me in the washroom and we went and had a drink and a dance.

Then he pulls me aside and says that we need to talk. Oh shit.

"I can't get involved with someone who is leaving in two weeks," he says. " My heart can't take it."

"And don't get me wrong, I really like you. Which I why it has to be like this."

With a smile on my face I knodded. 'Big girls don't cry' plays in the background. "How appropriate," he says.

I can't fault him for it. I would have loved to have a passionate 2 week fling - but I could tell he wasn't that sort of guy.

The first question I asked him after he destroyed my world (dramatics) was, "Have you joined the facebook revolution?"
"No. I'm anti-technology. I don't even have e-mail." My heart sank further. I at least held on to the notion that we would keep in touch, but if this kid doesn't even check email... But he said " I'll get one if thats important to you." I told him it was. I don't want to... force him - but - I'll take all the interaction with him I can. Of course I'm going to give him this blog - but I doubt he'll visit. *Shrugs*

I am a big believer in 'things hjappen for a reason'. When he said, "If you were here longer, I'd be willing to give it a shot," my first thought was, 'well I haven't booked a flight.' But then I remembered I just made a $3000 tuition payment. Fucking school. But my one shining hope is that he is going back home in December. That should mean he will be off the market till then - and probably while he's there. Now anything can happen but hey read the title - mindless self indulgence. All I can do is hope and pray that we cross paths again and feel the sames things we did this past week. *Sigh*

I would post the vanity picture I took of us last night - but he deserves his privacy. And so ends the love story that was - Will & Neil.

elbows and knees

I tend to decide the name of my posts before I start writing them. It keeps me focused on what I want to talk about. This is the post that I will talk about the boys I met at Odyssey on Saturday. As I began to sign-in to write it, I had second thoughts. Why? Well, it's nothing more than a fling. I've had lots of flings that don't end up on here. But Neil is different, and I don't know why.

Well I know why, but I'm going to post anyways, sort of as an archive of this boy I knew once upon a time.

The way he danced was what first attracted me to him. He dances just like me, without a care in the world and with 100% spunk. He describes his dancing as 'all elbows and knees', which it is. 'You can't dance with me, just at me.'

So he's clever, and confident. Have I mentioned he's gorgeous? Well, he is. I am trying to put into words all the small things that make me want to stare at him all day long. His deep brown eyes, his strong jawline, his high cheek bones. He has a beautiful mouth -great kisser. I want to talk about his body details, but thats trashy, right?

He is also hilarious. He and his (lesbian) roommate are a dynamic duo. They are also uber cool. They read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun. They come up with drag names. Sometimes, I can't believe I met him. Which I why I am so shook. Which I why I am posting about him.

My subtitled msn name is ' - life is one great big tease'. Of course I have to meet somebody that is so clearly short term - that I can imagine long term. I doubt if circumstances were different things would work out. He makes a big deal about our age difference (7 years) and I am seemingly a much more sexual person than he is, and he parties harder than most people I know. But I would try my hardest to win his heart - if I had the time.

We met on Saturday night and spent Sunday and Monday together. I didn't see him last night and my world is crumbling. He needed a good night's sleep so I wasn't in hysterics or anything. But I probably won't see him until Sunday and even then its all a big maybe. Maybe our relationship was those three days and thats it. Maybe I'll never see him again. That would be a mighty shame. But I as I said to start, thats the reason for this post. To remember Neil, a magnificent, beautiful, dream of a boy, I met in Vancouver once upon a time.

My All American Experience (The Remix): Seattle

This trip was WAAAYYY better then my first. Seattle is awesome. Ok, maybe that is a little over-stated but we had an awesome time there. This will be a quick run down, no social commentary. Got through the boarder quickly and smoothly. I didn't even say a word. Driving is definitely the way to go. Rolled into town late Friday night. Got a heads up of where the 'gay' area was, but for the love of a good man, couldn't find any clubs. Me and Shawn walked around in cirlces drinking vodka and Crans out of juice bottles, until we came across of group of prancing queers (well one was prancing) and followed them to a bar called The Cuff. It was a leather/daddy/bear/jock place. But I kind of saw it as an all purpose kind of bar. They had a proper bar room with darts and pinball and porn on the TV's (p.s. my new gauge of a gay bar's gayness) then they had a separate dance floor. The music was truly shite. Could pick out one Hilary Duff (gag), a Modonna (that was far too sped up), and of of the gay anthem of Summer 2007 Umbrella (ella, ella, eh).

We totally camped out in the bed of Shawn's truck, which I was sure was illegal, but we got away with it, so there. We got a good and early start to Saturday. Had breaky a crap restaurant in the public market. Sure we had a wicked waterfront view, but the service was sooo slow and premium priced food left much to be desired. Took a dump in and brushed my teeth outside a McDonald's outside the Space Needle. Real homeless like.

Went to the Experience Music Project. So. Friggin'. Cool. It's like Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, but better (I assume). It focused mainly on popular American music, but in a very cultural sense. Who was listening to what. Who influenced who? How technology has influenced the was the create music of the past century. We were only the for two hours but could have spent the whole day. And for $15, I'd call that a pretty moderately priced tourist attraction.


Then we took a drive down to 'Pioneer Square'. Getting off the highway we pass Safeco Field, which is totally a feat of engineering. This picture doesn't do it justice.



In 'Pioneer Square' I find Utilikilts. I have wanting a kilt for long time. Not sure why. I think that they ooze with masculinity. This was the first time I have come across a practical affordable kilt. Its got pockets. It come sin demin and cotton like dickies and brushed cotton that kind of feel likes wool. Awesome. I thought $130+ wad pricey, but really its not. I am getting one. For September. It was be my 'good for you for trying new things' gift.


We left the city soon after that so that we would make it back to Van to go out that night. We stopped at an outlet mall first. To do some power shopping. 3 hours later, my credit card was maxed, I have 4 new hats (yes 4!) and a serious yearning to go back. Which I will because I have to buy my kilt.

I met a guy at the bar that night. But thats another post.

The media post

Ok I just spent like a 1/2 hour customizing my blog, but I'm back. Ah I love mornings off.

Ok so the first part of the media blog has to do with the up swing in middle east related movies that have/are coming out. Last night I went to go see A Mighty Heart, the Angelina Jolie film about Washington Post reporter Daniel Pearl who was kidnapped and beheaded in 2002 in Pakistan. The film wasn't what I expected. I was kind of in the mood for a good cry, but instead got a thick dose of reality. It was shot in a very docudrama kind of way and didn't get to develop the Daniel character or the relationship. Still a good pic.

During the previews The Kingdom stood out. An American team is sent to Iraq (I guess) to investigate bombing. Team member gets kidnapped, all hell ensues. I think it was Chris Cooper made me think it was a legit film. Also stars Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner and apparently Jeremy Piven and Jason Bateman. Weird thing about this movie is that I think it was filmed before Jennifer Garner was pregnant, which means its a few years old, but they have sitting on it for whatever reasons....

And then over at ohlala I saw the trailer for Rendition, which has a much better cast (Jake Gyllenhaal, Resse Witherspoon, Meryl Streep). Its about an Arab American who is detained by the government is some other country. Streep plays the president (I think) Witherspoon the wife and Jakie the interrogator.

My point of making these observations is because I am all about communicating. It is expected that since the west is engaged in such heavy military operations in the east that the east would invade out realm of media experience. But that worries me is how the east is being portrayed. It still exists in the 'orientalist' mindset, whereas this would be a good opportunity to Arab stories rather than Americans in Arabia ones....



Back on the 'light' side, I came across this video last night and almost died. At the club one night this weekend, this beautiful boy walked past me and I said, 'Now why can't I meet guys like that.' Totally obnoxious, but... then I saw this - WHY CAN'T I MEET GUYS LIKE THIS!!???
Warning: Penises
Hawt, Drunk Rugby players this way

My First Grown-up Pride: aka 'the grass is always greener'

This past weekend was Vancouver Pride. And let me say it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!
Where do I begin? Well first, the four musketeers. Me and Shawn, and our friends the Irish boys. We were a force to be reckoned with. It was amazing to have a crew. Of gay boys. Back home it is usually me and girls. Girls who I love, with all my heart. But Gay boys!!! Oh it was nice.

Went to Celebrities on Friday for their 'Pride Ball'. We were HAMMERED when we got there. Had a massive predrink, almost forgot to go the bar. They had a KITCHY stage show going on when were got there. We all cheered even though we had no idea who the performer was. Made out with some blonde guy. I knew at the time (kinda) and after that it was totally beer goggles, but who is to say he didn't feel the same way. I thought it was a good start to the weekend.

Saturday was weird. During the day me and Shawn went to the beach. It was packed because people were camping out for the grand finale of the 'Sponsor' Celebration of Light. My friend Steve was in town from Calgary and gave me a call. He came to see his brother, but got ditched, so we got to hang out. We ended up going to his (brother's) place and barbequeing. He had a beautiful loft. We all went down to watch the fireworks, and I held Steve in my arms and let me tell you, it was pretty much the most romantic thing ever!
Since fireworks didn't end till 10:30 we didn't get to drinking till late and we didn't make it to the bar until like 1:30. We STILL had to wait in line until 2:30. By time time they let us in the door was was ready to jump out of my skin. We paid out cover, and they made us wait! I was dying! I don't wait in lines, but pride... there's really no choice. Fucking DJ decided to start his hip hop set at like 3:40. So while the normal people hooked up and went home at a normal time, me and Shawn, (and two crazy blondes) shook our booties HARD.

Sunday was the parade. Almost missed it. I kept telling people, 'parade starts at 2'. Steven txtd me at 11 am Sunday and it says 'parade starts at 12'. I barely could open my eyes to read it. But I knew Shawn would have my balls if we missed it so, I called him and we went down. It was really nice. Not uber big, but not small by any means. Two hours long. Hot boys, community groups, everything a pride parade should have.
Sunday night we got a good predrink on and walked into the club - no line!!! Gotta love tickets. This where the whole 'grass is greener' thing comes in. To this point we had a fucking fantastic Pride, as you can read. But I kept looking over my shoulder a the prettier more popular boys and envying them, just a little bit. But I got over it really quick. This was my first grown-up pride.